Analysis: Epiphanies
An Analytical Response, An Emotional Response.
First to begin, an epiphany is defined as, 'a moment of sudden revelation or insight'. Some people might also call them by the term 'a moment of clarity'. The root of the word means 'reveal'. To have an epiphany is to have something revealed to you, whether it be something you hadn't known, or something that you were just simply unaware of.
Recently, i've had two epiphanies, both involving someone who i owe so much for helping me become who i am today. Some background on the issue, i've known this person for the better part of five years, and it wasnt until i'd met said person that it was 'revealed' to me that i was interested in certain subjects, ideas, philosophies, and whatnot. As a lot of people do today, i'd met this person over the internet, and seeing that we'd never met in person, we only had conversations and debate to base any relationship on. Before our acquaintance, i'd been going through a rather confusing period of my life, one where i didnt know what i wanted to be doing with the rest of my life, one where i didnt know what i wanted at all out of friends, lovers, even myself. All that this person really did was to show me what was right in front of my face. Some people wait lifetimes for such truth and honesty in their lives. I made a choice. I made a choice to be honest with myself, and even happy with who i was inside, and this allowed me to delve deeper into those things which i was passionate about (I will discuss passion more in the 'Emotional Response').
A year passed. We'd become friends, i'd suppose. There werent any really emotional ties between us as of yet, and, like many young men, i decided to rectify that. She had been living between Novato, CA, Santa Rosa, CA, and San Rafael, CA, and earlier in the year, i'd sent over a token of my interest: a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. Then, that July, i'd sent a special birthday gift to her, a Windup Victrola, one thing she'd coveted and always desired. Ah, yes, i was a brash, somewhat cocky young man, all of the age of twenty one.
A few good friends of mine had relocated to San Mateo, California, and one of which was my mentor, the person who taught me how to write and produce, and find an outlet for my ideas (also a big brother figure for me). I decided to travel out to visit he and his roommate, and investigate the Bay Area, because i'd been looking into attending a University there. July 9th of 2003, i embarked on my trip, first traveling to Memphis, TN, and then to Fletcher, OK, followed by Madera, CA, and finally San Mateo. Honestly, this trip has, to this day, stood out as one of my great adventures. I'd lived in Memphis a few years before, so i was familiar with the terrain, and had a few friends there, of whom which i could stay with and allow myself to rest before the two thousand plus mile drive from there to Madera. The weekend in Memphis... was not what i'd expected. It ended up being forty eight hours of debauchery and loud, repetitive electronic beats. I dont know why i make note of this, but i wore solid white the entire weekend. That Sunday morning, after staying up far too late, i climbed into my car and took to the road, a fourteen hour trip to a small rural town i'd grown up in.
Fletcher... was unexpected as well. While driving up the rough country roads into the town, everything seemed more yellow and dry than before, as if some drought had been suffered upon the surrounding farmlands. I remember pulling unto my old street, and slowing down to look out at my old home, and seeing the entire piece of property ravaged and obliterated. all of the trees had been cut down, and there was waist high grass and weeds covering the entire acre of land. i'd never felt so much loss and hopelessness in my entire life. in that instant, while slowly pulling by, my entire childhood evaporated. a few minutes later, i pulled up to the house i was staying at for the night, some friends of the family, and spent the evening sitting in their porch swing, reflecting on where i came from. The foundation of WHO I WAS had been shaken that day.
The following morning, i donned a black cowboy shirt, a straw cowboy hat, and some big black aviators and took off on my trip across the American Southwest. Most of the morning, i spent searching for AM stations that were either playing oldies or Johnny Cash... no dice. Finally, as i was passing into New Mexico from Texas, i was privileged with seeing desert for the first time (i've got an obsession with the desert, i'll go into that at a later date). Part of me wishes that i could make the trip again, but with someone else driving and allowing me to just stare out the window at the vast expanse. There was something calm, something beautiful, something 'at home' about it.
Around 3AM Pacific Standard Time, i arrived at my brother's apartment in Madera. We hung out, played video games, watched movies, usual stuff we do, i mean, he's my big brother.
Thursday morning, i departed and drove the rest of the way to San Mateo, arriving shortly afternoon. Spent the afternoon eating burritos with Chris (my mentor) and driving into The City for drinks and a club.
Friday. July 13th, 2003. I finally met her face to face, and while i could go on for days about my recollection of the entire afternoon and evening, i wont. i'll save that for another time.
June 29th (or so) 2005. I'd moved to San Francisco for schooling a year prior, and she and i finally started speaking to each other again. I'd just exited a rather distressing and painful relationship, so i was very stand offish about dating anyone so soon, and i assumed that going out for a walk and just talking about things and getting to know each other again would be harmless. Was i ever so wrong.
My first epiphany of the two in question was on October 14th, 2006. A trip back east for a friend's wedding had made me realize that i was not at all who i wanted to be as a person, and that being said, i'd been treating her... unfairly. Due to events over the last year, my confidence in her had faded, due to inaction and lethargy. everything felt like i was the one doing it and the one holding the reins of the relationship and our lives together. i felt like i was forced into control, but by allowing myself to believe this, it shut me off to all of the underlying issues that we'd started having.
A few weeks prior, i'd been speaking to my mother about this trip back east, about my 'best friend' getting married. My mother expressed concern that i was calling another girl, who i'd dated in high school my 'best friend', and not the girl i was sharing a bed with. While i explained to her that the girl back home knew me better than anyone in the world, it didnt dawn on me that i wasnt taking into consideration of the feelings that my current lover would be upset about such ideas.
After the events at the wedding, some being of the best moments of my life, and some being rather upsetting, i had a few hours alone to really let myself think about what was happening. It then had occurred to me... while my friend back home had known me longer, the more important relationship at that moment was between me and my significant other. i'd been with her over a year, and during that time, i'd emotionally closed myself off from her, due to baggage from a previous relationship, but also due to how well i knew her, and that initially, when we'd first started dating, she could have called it off at any given moment. Therefore, from day one, i told myself to not get too attached, to take every day with her as a blessing, and if and when it ended, look back on all of the good times with thankfulness that we were in each other's lives.
It was during these moments of analysis that my 'wall' broke down. i realized that i was, in fact, madly in love with this girl. i had always been, since day one. i also realized that she was my best friend, and the one person i was counting on to be there for me whenever things went wrong. it also became very clear to me that i'd been doing things that were not in my character, or at least not in the character that i wished to have.
it's strange, when you have an epiphany. it's like you can see everything around you for just a few moments as if you've got X-Ray vision or something, and it's like everything slows down to half speed. it's as if for just a few moments, God is letting you know just a fraction of what it's like to be him.
Three days later, she breaks it off. Cites that she and i make each other miserable, that she needs to rediscover who she is, and needs to be independent again. Also mentions that i had never been truly passionate about anything while we were together, unless we were in a dispute (which, actually were few).
The following few months, overwhelmed by my epiphany, and by the pain i was enduring on an emotional level, passion and emotion came pouring out of me, in everything i did. When i went to work, i worked harder, when i went to school i focused more and tried harder than ever before. I began writing again. i began composing again. I tore my heart open and let everything i was feeling come pouring out, onto canvas, onto textiles, into music, into words. Things had become clear, and for the first time in years, i think i was able to be honest with myself and about who i wanted to be.
Epiphany No. 2. January 26th, 2007. The cold winter nights between semesters can be very lonely. When i exit work everyday, i tend to make my way home, and stare at the ceiling for a few hours before finally passing out. And everyday is the same. That Friday evening, i woke from a mid afternoon nap... snapping my eyes open and seeing with clarity that i, honestly, didnt know anything about her. I think this mainly spurred from the question 'What are the religious beliefs she holds onto?', and it was in my dream that i thought of this... and the question and realization had awakened me. i guess in more ways than one. While she and i had been together, i made myself focus far too much on the financial restraints and educational obligations of my life than to the relationships i was nurturing. i had been focussing to much on myself, and not enough on 'us', or, as she needed, 'her'.
So, this is where i sit. I'm spreading out the numbers and equations in front of me, fighting back all of the knee-jerk reactions and passion. The purpose of this writing is not to examine a method of rebuilding a relationship with my former lover. The purpose is to examine the effects of these epiphanies on my outlook. While i'm not so much a different person altogether than i was before the first, i look at it along the lines of having the blinders taken off. i also have to look at everything from a detached point of view to really understand what is going on in the grand scheme off things. I'm evolving inside, and my character is developing to something i always thought it was, but i frequently forgot about when my 'fuck it' attitude kicked in.
Moving forward. i think that i'm on a threshold of my life. the pieces are moving into place, and what occurs over the next few months will resonate over the next few years. While i dont believe in the concept of any spiritual 'freedom of choice', i'm curious to what has effected my choices and what choices i am meant to make.
Analytical Response: Things are only the way they are meant to be. Learn from experiences. Move forward.
Emotional Response: I'm so very thankful for what i feel right now. Even the heartache. It makes all of the love i've felt and all of the love i will feel worth it. i hold some regrets. i just hope that things work out the way i'd like them to. i'd give anything.
-Wm.
An Analytical Response, An Emotional Response.
First to begin, an epiphany is defined as, 'a moment of sudden revelation or insight'. Some people might also call them by the term 'a moment of clarity'. The root of the word means 'reveal'. To have an epiphany is to have something revealed to you, whether it be something you hadn't known, or something that you were just simply unaware of.
Recently, i've had two epiphanies, both involving someone who i owe so much for helping me become who i am today. Some background on the issue, i've known this person for the better part of five years, and it wasnt until i'd met said person that it was 'revealed' to me that i was interested in certain subjects, ideas, philosophies, and whatnot. As a lot of people do today, i'd met this person over the internet, and seeing that we'd never met in person, we only had conversations and debate to base any relationship on. Before our acquaintance, i'd been going through a rather confusing period of my life, one where i didnt know what i wanted to be doing with the rest of my life, one where i didnt know what i wanted at all out of friends, lovers, even myself. All that this person really did was to show me what was right in front of my face. Some people wait lifetimes for such truth and honesty in their lives. I made a choice. I made a choice to be honest with myself, and even happy with who i was inside, and this allowed me to delve deeper into those things which i was passionate about (I will discuss passion more in the 'Emotional Response').
A year passed. We'd become friends, i'd suppose. There werent any really emotional ties between us as of yet, and, like many young men, i decided to rectify that. She had been living between Novato, CA, Santa Rosa, CA, and San Rafael, CA, and earlier in the year, i'd sent over a token of my interest: a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. Then, that July, i'd sent a special birthday gift to her, a Windup Victrola, one thing she'd coveted and always desired. Ah, yes, i was a brash, somewhat cocky young man, all of the age of twenty one.
A few good friends of mine had relocated to San Mateo, California, and one of which was my mentor, the person who taught me how to write and produce, and find an outlet for my ideas (also a big brother figure for me). I decided to travel out to visit he and his roommate, and investigate the Bay Area, because i'd been looking into attending a University there. July 9th of 2003, i embarked on my trip, first traveling to Memphis, TN, and then to Fletcher, OK, followed by Madera, CA, and finally San Mateo. Honestly, this trip has, to this day, stood out as one of my great adventures. I'd lived in Memphis a few years before, so i was familiar with the terrain, and had a few friends there, of whom which i could stay with and allow myself to rest before the two thousand plus mile drive from there to Madera. The weekend in Memphis... was not what i'd expected. It ended up being forty eight hours of debauchery and loud, repetitive electronic beats. I dont know why i make note of this, but i wore solid white the entire weekend. That Sunday morning, after staying up far too late, i climbed into my car and took to the road, a fourteen hour trip to a small rural town i'd grown up in.
Fletcher... was unexpected as well. While driving up the rough country roads into the town, everything seemed more yellow and dry than before, as if some drought had been suffered upon the surrounding farmlands. I remember pulling unto my old street, and slowing down to look out at my old home, and seeing the entire piece of property ravaged and obliterated. all of the trees had been cut down, and there was waist high grass and weeds covering the entire acre of land. i'd never felt so much loss and hopelessness in my entire life. in that instant, while slowly pulling by, my entire childhood evaporated. a few minutes later, i pulled up to the house i was staying at for the night, some friends of the family, and spent the evening sitting in their porch swing, reflecting on where i came from. The foundation of WHO I WAS had been shaken that day.
The following morning, i donned a black cowboy shirt, a straw cowboy hat, and some big black aviators and took off on my trip across the American Southwest. Most of the morning, i spent searching for AM stations that were either playing oldies or Johnny Cash... no dice. Finally, as i was passing into New Mexico from Texas, i was privileged with seeing desert for the first time (i've got an obsession with the desert, i'll go into that at a later date). Part of me wishes that i could make the trip again, but with someone else driving and allowing me to just stare out the window at the vast expanse. There was something calm, something beautiful, something 'at home' about it.
Around 3AM Pacific Standard Time, i arrived at my brother's apartment in Madera. We hung out, played video games, watched movies, usual stuff we do, i mean, he's my big brother.
Thursday morning, i departed and drove the rest of the way to San Mateo, arriving shortly afternoon. Spent the afternoon eating burritos with Chris (my mentor) and driving into The City for drinks and a club.
Friday. July 13th, 2003. I finally met her face to face, and while i could go on for days about my recollection of the entire afternoon and evening, i wont. i'll save that for another time.
June 29th (or so) 2005. I'd moved to San Francisco for schooling a year prior, and she and i finally started speaking to each other again. I'd just exited a rather distressing and painful relationship, so i was very stand offish about dating anyone so soon, and i assumed that going out for a walk and just talking about things and getting to know each other again would be harmless. Was i ever so wrong.
My first epiphany of the two in question was on October 14th, 2006. A trip back east for a friend's wedding had made me realize that i was not at all who i wanted to be as a person, and that being said, i'd been treating her... unfairly. Due to events over the last year, my confidence in her had faded, due to inaction and lethargy. everything felt like i was the one doing it and the one holding the reins of the relationship and our lives together. i felt like i was forced into control, but by allowing myself to believe this, it shut me off to all of the underlying issues that we'd started having.
A few weeks prior, i'd been speaking to my mother about this trip back east, about my 'best friend' getting married. My mother expressed concern that i was calling another girl, who i'd dated in high school my 'best friend', and not the girl i was sharing a bed with. While i explained to her that the girl back home knew me better than anyone in the world, it didnt dawn on me that i wasnt taking into consideration of the feelings that my current lover would be upset about such ideas.
After the events at the wedding, some being of the best moments of my life, and some being rather upsetting, i had a few hours alone to really let myself think about what was happening. It then had occurred to me... while my friend back home had known me longer, the more important relationship at that moment was between me and my significant other. i'd been with her over a year, and during that time, i'd emotionally closed myself off from her, due to baggage from a previous relationship, but also due to how well i knew her, and that initially, when we'd first started dating, she could have called it off at any given moment. Therefore, from day one, i told myself to not get too attached, to take every day with her as a blessing, and if and when it ended, look back on all of the good times with thankfulness that we were in each other's lives.
It was during these moments of analysis that my 'wall' broke down. i realized that i was, in fact, madly in love with this girl. i had always been, since day one. i also realized that she was my best friend, and the one person i was counting on to be there for me whenever things went wrong. it also became very clear to me that i'd been doing things that were not in my character, or at least not in the character that i wished to have.
it's strange, when you have an epiphany. it's like you can see everything around you for just a few moments as if you've got X-Ray vision or something, and it's like everything slows down to half speed. it's as if for just a few moments, God is letting you know just a fraction of what it's like to be him.
Three days later, she breaks it off. Cites that she and i make each other miserable, that she needs to rediscover who she is, and needs to be independent again. Also mentions that i had never been truly passionate about anything while we were together, unless we were in a dispute (which, actually were few).
The following few months, overwhelmed by my epiphany, and by the pain i was enduring on an emotional level, passion and emotion came pouring out of me, in everything i did. When i went to work, i worked harder, when i went to school i focused more and tried harder than ever before. I began writing again. i began composing again. I tore my heart open and let everything i was feeling come pouring out, onto canvas, onto textiles, into music, into words. Things had become clear, and for the first time in years, i think i was able to be honest with myself and about who i wanted to be.
Epiphany No. 2. January 26th, 2007. The cold winter nights between semesters can be very lonely. When i exit work everyday, i tend to make my way home, and stare at the ceiling for a few hours before finally passing out. And everyday is the same. That Friday evening, i woke from a mid afternoon nap... snapping my eyes open and seeing with clarity that i, honestly, didnt know anything about her. I think this mainly spurred from the question 'What are the religious beliefs she holds onto?', and it was in my dream that i thought of this... and the question and realization had awakened me. i guess in more ways than one. While she and i had been together, i made myself focus far too much on the financial restraints and educational obligations of my life than to the relationships i was nurturing. i had been focussing to much on myself, and not enough on 'us', or, as she needed, 'her'.
So, this is where i sit. I'm spreading out the numbers and equations in front of me, fighting back all of the knee-jerk reactions and passion. The purpose of this writing is not to examine a method of rebuilding a relationship with my former lover. The purpose is to examine the effects of these epiphanies on my outlook. While i'm not so much a different person altogether than i was before the first, i look at it along the lines of having the blinders taken off. i also have to look at everything from a detached point of view to really understand what is going on in the grand scheme off things. I'm evolving inside, and my character is developing to something i always thought it was, but i frequently forgot about when my 'fuck it' attitude kicked in.
Moving forward. i think that i'm on a threshold of my life. the pieces are moving into place, and what occurs over the next few months will resonate over the next few years. While i dont believe in the concept of any spiritual 'freedom of choice', i'm curious to what has effected my choices and what choices i am meant to make.
Analytical Response: Things are only the way they are meant to be. Learn from experiences. Move forward.
Emotional Response: I'm so very thankful for what i feel right now. Even the heartache. It makes all of the love i've felt and all of the love i will feel worth it. i hold some regrets. i just hope that things work out the way i'd like them to. i'd give anything.
-Wm.