"Maybe we realized it wasn't as good of an ideal as we might have originally thought it was... "
sigghh. My final thoughts on the situation I'm currently in.
I don't know what I was thinking. I never know what I was thinking.
I do bad.
Bad is all I can handle. I don't want good.
Good is .... ehh... scarey I guess. I don't like it.
I can't lie.
I want to do bad and have it end up good... somehow.
The exception to the rules.
The one friend of a friend who was in this exact situation this one time!!_and it all worked out...
Ehh.
Obviously this plan has not gone to well for me.
Let me restate that_
I don't know what I'm thinking!
I'm just fucking scared.
I do stupid things.
I stop doing right once I get my feet in the door. I don't know how they get there!
They just do.
And then I'm there. Not sure. I think I start to do bad once I don't know my next move. I look down at my feet and decide this would much easier if I just ask you to move them for me.
"Please, tell me how to move... and maybe... once you've done that, hmm...carry me instead! I can move on into whatever it is I'm moving into if you just do the whole "move" part." That's what I say when I can feel you. When I know your heart is coming clear into view. UMM, are you sure you wanna put that out there? Cuz like, ummmmm. If you do_
I will too_ And I don't just put that out there.
I throw it at you.
Like that game hot potato.
Caught the ball bitch! It's hot! And don't fucking let go!
Sometimes I chuck it out before I can even tell you're 100% there. It's the risk. Yeah you could drop it, you could not even be there... but in my head, in my game, I don't care. It much faster this way. I know what will go down before you do. I'm cheating on the test cause I wanna have fun and you're at home studying.
You start it, I end it. I start it, ehh well. I kinda just don't do that part of the deal. I'm better with the end it. You say something witty, I have a comeback. You act suggestive, I suggest. You think you wanna make the move, I slide into home base before you.
It's something I always do. I can't stop myself. The last word. I have to make it clear.
The last word.
Mine.
In the end it's always mine.
But I don't think this makes me "win". Probably the opposite. I get so caught up I stop thinking about him. I don't try or care to understand. I just know what I want. And that's for there to not be a last word. I want someone to keep talking, somebody keep saying something.
The best is to say nothing.
Nothing.
I could be good at that.
I am!
Until I care. It's stupid to care. There is always another someone, if you want there to be. But the next isn't always good and isn't always bad... thus its starts all over.
I'm kinda lost with all of it. I don't really care. I want to! I really do. I'm not sure.
I know. I know.
I KNOW.
I have my feet in the door.
and now I just don't know where the fuck I'm going.
ANNNND judging by what happened last night, I'm not the only one who isn't sure any more.
.... I know I said I wouldn't but
Opps ??
.
ehhhh _ bummer.
Bumm da bumm da buuummmer