prettyawful

SOooo! The anticipation of wild hot sex when my boyfriend got back is officially a bust... he is not coming back. And we are no longer together. He had sex with someone else. He might possibly want to be with this someone else. I feel like this all makes me look bad. This happens to girlfriends who are too needy or are just not enough. Or maybe it's because he just isn't a good person, but I don't know how to feel or what is true because I so full heatedly believed he was the one and I still feel like his heart was so golden. I'm so confused. It's so hard to have the man who loved you tell you he still loves you but he can't say it to you any more. To have him suddenly not treating me like the love of his life after one simple phone call and guilt filled moment of truth.

What I will do, I don't know. I want to have sex. I want to feel better. I want to know it's not my fault and I'm desirable, smart and beautiful. I feel like he left me because maybe I'm not smart enough. The girl he cheated with went to Berkly for poetry. I'm an artist. I know everything about art and painting. But I can't tell you shit about other things. She can. Who cares. If he can do this to me he doesn't deserve me. I have to find something better. Maybe when i am at grad school. I believe I deserve to fall in love and have a man be good to me. To give as much as I do. I am entering the anger phase of grieving, I think. Because he is the one who made all the promises and pushed so hard for me to let my guard down and trust him. And he did the worst possible thing he knew he could do to me. And I think he knew when he was doing it this was the only way he could get out of his promises and get rid of his fear or never being able to meet them.

The worst part is that he is breaking up with ME... for himself. Like I did something wrong, like he could do better. How could you do better? I don't understand but I'm so over it... not really tho. I'm hurt to the core and don't know what to do with myself. I cry a lot. I'm not fond of being alone in my house so friends have been sleeping over kinda taking care of me. But today I am seeing my Dad and I 'm sure he'll tell me all the things I want to hear like you could do so better. I'm sorry to my ex boyfriend that he couldn't do it, be in a relationship like this and stand up to his promises. I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to tell enforce my belief that he was moving to fast with me, because I told him over and over that he was. And I didn't even want to date him at first because of it. I think i deserve better sex too... not that ours wasn't good it just wasn't right because I think I knew in my heart he couldn't be trusted. I was so scared about summer and being apart because I knew...

I don't maybe this is all bullshit and I'm just writing out of pain. But I thought my readers should know_ my sex life will be very interesting from this point on. We will see what my perverted blogs become... I'm sure they will probably still be just as raunchy and silly but I don't even know how I can trust someone to touch me without hurting me right now. ... LAME.... all of this is lame. I'm a happy person in general... I don't deserve lame...

so yeah...

XO AWFUL I cry a lot. At first it hurt and now it's feeling good to let it all out. I can't believe this happened. It's SO fucked up. I'm a good person and a really good girlfriend. I don't know where it went wrong. Just too fast i guess. No my fault tho.