Hey you guys. Seriously, I just had the most emo moment of my entire life in this post. I wrote this horrible angsty thing that I'm ashamed of but that I've decided to keep up b/c it's true and I just needed some kind of disclosure. If you want to keep respect for me then please don't click the spoiler, it's there for your protection. For the rest of you who are too curious not to, I'm sorry, feel free to give up when you realize I'm not joking.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Am I really not entitled to a good night? If I'm not guilty of one thing then I'm to blame for another. I can't get a lick of work done, mostly do to other stressors on top of being so behind. I have always prided myself on high-self esteem, but more and more that's slipping. I get e-mails from one person thanking for being such a good friend or being such a dedicated TA. Then in the next moment I have a phone call or some interaction that essentially centers around how bad of a person I am and how much I hurt someone. Furthermore, thanks to my own bad decisions, my body is revolting against me in multiple ways. I have never ever felt this tired in my life. It's not exhausted, like on crew, which was good. It's like this tense-necked purgatory where no matter what my intentions may be, nothing turns out right and I hurt the people I care about. And it's always, and only, my fault.
Well, Dance Tutorial was a blast. Like I've said, I don't do much dancing in the show, but being in that much of a ballet is more than I've ever done before, especially in front of people. I was going to triumphantly pontificate on that subject but I simply don't have it in me. Not after the rest of the night and what's happened.
If I do something even moderately wrong, I'm a horrible person. If I do the right thing, I'm still a horrible person. Is my moral compass that poorly calibrated? Have I really changed that much, or is this always been who I am and I just haven't been put in these situations yet.
I'm learning a lot about myself right now. I'm sorry for such a depressing post, I hate pretending I'm on Live journal here. I seriously just want to cry, but I can't feel anything but the stress related aches in my body. They say disclosure is good for stress. Well, here ya go, for your voyeuristic pleasure. Me, Mr. Happy-go-lucky, breaking down on a public forum for the world to see. Doing yet another thing I promised myself I won't. I used to look at myself and see someone that I loved. Now, because of all of the stress, the mistakes, the people in my life, I look there and see someone I barely recognize. Someone I'm becoming more and more disgusted by. I used to take such pride in myself, now I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ashamed.
Am I really totally to blame? Can someone else please own up take some responsibility for themselves in these situations. These situations that have led me down a path of ridiculous angst and self-loathing? Fuck! I make FUN of people who do this kind of shit. Now apparently I've become one of them!
I really need to change. Sometimes I wish I had a reset button.
The same excuses that don't work for me, shouldn't work for you.
"Shoot me first,
EmoKid"
If you honestly feel your changing for the worse, assess the situation, figure out what the undesirable traits you have are and work on changing them for the better. What I found works best is to find the problem almost as if you can look at it in your hand and then make it not exist. For instance you show up late all the time, well that is the problem, so work on it not being a problem and then problem solved. I only know what's best because I spent 6 years being depressed and I changed that shit around with no help form anybody (not because I didn't want it but because nobody cared). But like Adria said you can only take responsibility for what you did, if you change (or feel as if you really didn't change in the first place and people just suck a big fatty, possible but not probable) and people are still complaining about the same old shit then that's just people being shitty people. I'm surrounded by that all the time....
BTW the Daredevil story line OWNS!
It'll improve, life always does.
I'll shoot you first if you want me to,
EX - EmoKid