prawnstar

A GUIDE TO METAL


HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the
dragon, drinks some beer and !&$%s the princess.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely
undecipherable for about 2 minutes, then leaves...

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes
from the dragon, saves the princess and together they make
love in an enchanted forest.

TRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes
and !&$%s her... easy and quick.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing
accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird
instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing)
and the protagonist leaves without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his
migthy axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death,
steals the castle and burns the place before he leaves.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, !&$%s the
princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and
impales it in the front of the castle... then sodomizes the
princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her...
then he impales the deflowered princess.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its
guts in the front of the castle, !&$%s the princess and kills
her... then he !&$%s again her dead body, slashes her belly
open and eats her guts, !&$%s the carcass a third time,
burns the corpse and !&$%s it for the last time.

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and
believes he could never beat such a mighty beast, gets
depressed and commits suicide... the dragon eats his body
and the princess as well.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26
minutes, the dragon kills itself out of boredom, the
protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another
solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the
conservatory... the princess escapes, and is now looking for
the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's
appearance and lets him enter, the protagonist steals the
princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful
pink color.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes
an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted
out of fairy tale land by security guards.