Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?
I do some of my most destructive thinking at 5am. I don't know why that is. It just is. I didn't realize it, but this has been on my mind for about 24 hours.. So why not try to jot it down and try to make sense of the whole thing.
The last real crush I had on someone was about 3 years ago. I mean.. I've crushed on people since.. briefly.. but that's more lust, I think. And I've had successful, (mostly) healthy relationships since then. I'm talking about the kind of crush that everyone around you notices because your life becomes consumed with this person. You take on a different persona. She's the one that you'd do anything for, no matter how right or wrong you knew it was.
She was a junkie. I should've known better right then. But I've been there and for some reason, the caretaker mode kicked in. I've always felt a certain connection to addicts. Probably because I've been down that road. Empathic?? Maybe. Sympathetic?? Possibly. Or maybe it's just that misery loves company. I somehow rationalized her addiction in my head because she managed to hold a job and managed to make enough at that job to support her rather expensive habit.
We had a brief fling. During which time, I found myself doing some of the most absurd, unbelievable things. Yes. I did fall back into a nasty old habit. It lasted about long enough for me to wake up with paramedics around me asking me how much I had done and then carting me off to the wishard E.R.
When she was so sick that she couldn't hold her hand still, I was the one that stuck the needle in her arm and pushed the plunger. Even 13 years ago when I was at the height of my addiction, I knew that was wrong and I promised myself that I would never do it.
When my room mates made it clear that they didn't want her in our house (right after my o.d.), we moved into a fleabag motel together. Well.. I didn't really move in there, but I spent every night with her there.
When she decided to get clean, I laid in bed with her for three days while she kicked. Apparently, the methadone programs here want you 2 or 3 days clean before they'll start treating you. When I kicked in NYC 12 or 13 years ago, it was the exact opposite. I mean, they didn't want you fucked up, but they made it clear that I was going to be there for a while filling out paperwork and I wouldn't be able to do if if I were sick, so to go ahead and do whatever it was that I had to do in the morning before I went in.
Then, after she had been clean for 2 or 3 weeks.. maybe longer.. I can't remember, but it wasn't that long. I do remember that it was on St. Patricks day.. she gave me a long list of everything that was wrong with me... actually, the list was pretty short, and it was pretty accurate... it was prompted by a late night phone call that I made to her after I had drank 20 Irish Carbombs (and various other things) and right before I passed out in the bushes in front of Moe and Johnny's.. The list was pretty accurate, too.. but I wasn't prepared for it.. I guess I had been really tollerant of her shortcomings, and I had hoped that one late night drunken phone call wouldn't be enough to signify the end.. But for her, it was.
I only saw her once after that. She was with a girlfriend. She told me she was moving to California in a few weeks. She also told me she had switched to girls because I had ruined her for men..
So I assumed that she moved, and I never saw her again..
the end??
no!
Last night after work, I went to meet one of my co-workers to drop off something. He lives on the west-side of indy, and we were deciding where to meet so I wouldn't have to drive all the way to his house... I decided that The Melody Inn parking lot would be fine. That way when we were done, he could just head out 38th street and go home. So I met him. Gave him what I had to give him and he drove off. I really had to go to the bathroom, so I decided to go in the mel for a second. I walked in, did my business.. the band that was playing was pretty good, so I decided to stay for a beer..
I got my beer, saw an old friend.. sat down next to him and did the whole "it's so good to see you, old friend" bullshit.
While we're exchanging hellos, guess who comes and sits next to me.. You got it... The girl that I had ruined for all men!! So we did the normal small talk.. "what have you been up to?" "I thought you moved to California." "No. I live in Bloomington." We exchanged phone numbers. Then a plethura of mixed-up old feelings came back. Not the bad ones. Not that I felt slighted by the way our relationship ended. Not that all and all she is a self-serving individual. But that I missed her company. I still find her very attractive. Which was immediately followed by all of the "you know this is wrong" thoughts. Her cell phone rang and she went into the back room to take the phone call. I didn't finish my beer. Instead, I bolted.. didn't say good bye to anyone.
I later sent her a text message saying good bye and that I had to go home and couldn't wait for her to get off the phone.
She called me tonight. I talked to her when I got off work. She's gonna be in town Saturday and wants me to meet her for drinks and to "catch up" All of these feelings that make me do things that I know I shouldn't are still there. I've felt them all day.
I don't know if she's still clean.. I know I'm far from clean and sober, but I haven't stuck a needle in my arm or done that particular drug since the last time that I saw her. We sort of asked eachother about that last night and neither of us really answered. Junkies have a funny way of doing that.. whether we're clean or not. It can mean a number of things. It can mean "I'm clean, but I don't want to tell you that because I'm afraid that you won't want to hang out with me." or "I'm clean, but I really want to do a bunch of drugs with you and go check into a hotel and fuck like donkeys for the next 3 days" or it could mean "I'm not clean, but I don't want you to think any lesser of me, so I'm not going to answer the question."
so yeah.. that's what's been on my mind all day.. I haven't decided if I want to meet her for drinks Saturday night or not.. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't, and one or two why I want to.. Being a Mathematical Science and Computer Science double major, it shouldn't be that hard to figure out..
Yeah right....
I do some of my most destructive thinking at 5am. I don't know why that is. It just is. I didn't realize it, but this has been on my mind for about 24 hours.. So why not try to jot it down and try to make sense of the whole thing.
The last real crush I had on someone was about 3 years ago. I mean.. I've crushed on people since.. briefly.. but that's more lust, I think. And I've had successful, (mostly) healthy relationships since then. I'm talking about the kind of crush that everyone around you notices because your life becomes consumed with this person. You take on a different persona. She's the one that you'd do anything for, no matter how right or wrong you knew it was.
She was a junkie. I should've known better right then. But I've been there and for some reason, the caretaker mode kicked in. I've always felt a certain connection to addicts. Probably because I've been down that road. Empathic?? Maybe. Sympathetic?? Possibly. Or maybe it's just that misery loves company. I somehow rationalized her addiction in my head because she managed to hold a job and managed to make enough at that job to support her rather expensive habit.
We had a brief fling. During which time, I found myself doing some of the most absurd, unbelievable things. Yes. I did fall back into a nasty old habit. It lasted about long enough for me to wake up with paramedics around me asking me how much I had done and then carting me off to the wishard E.R.
When she was so sick that she couldn't hold her hand still, I was the one that stuck the needle in her arm and pushed the plunger. Even 13 years ago when I was at the height of my addiction, I knew that was wrong and I promised myself that I would never do it.
When my room mates made it clear that they didn't want her in our house (right after my o.d.), we moved into a fleabag motel together. Well.. I didn't really move in there, but I spent every night with her there.
When she decided to get clean, I laid in bed with her for three days while she kicked. Apparently, the methadone programs here want you 2 or 3 days clean before they'll start treating you. When I kicked in NYC 12 or 13 years ago, it was the exact opposite. I mean, they didn't want you fucked up, but they made it clear that I was going to be there for a while filling out paperwork and I wouldn't be able to do if if I were sick, so to go ahead and do whatever it was that I had to do in the morning before I went in.
Then, after she had been clean for 2 or 3 weeks.. maybe longer.. I can't remember, but it wasn't that long. I do remember that it was on St. Patricks day.. she gave me a long list of everything that was wrong with me... actually, the list was pretty short, and it was pretty accurate... it was prompted by a late night phone call that I made to her after I had drank 20 Irish Carbombs (and various other things) and right before I passed out in the bushes in front of Moe and Johnny's.. The list was pretty accurate, too.. but I wasn't prepared for it.. I guess I had been really tollerant of her shortcomings, and I had hoped that one late night drunken phone call wouldn't be enough to signify the end.. But for her, it was.
I only saw her once after that. She was with a girlfriend. She told me she was moving to California in a few weeks. She also told me she had switched to girls because I had ruined her for men..
So I assumed that she moved, and I never saw her again..
the end??
no!
Last night after work, I went to meet one of my co-workers to drop off something. He lives on the west-side of indy, and we were deciding where to meet so I wouldn't have to drive all the way to his house... I decided that The Melody Inn parking lot would be fine. That way when we were done, he could just head out 38th street and go home. So I met him. Gave him what I had to give him and he drove off. I really had to go to the bathroom, so I decided to go in the mel for a second. I walked in, did my business.. the band that was playing was pretty good, so I decided to stay for a beer..
I got my beer, saw an old friend.. sat down next to him and did the whole "it's so good to see you, old friend" bullshit.
While we're exchanging hellos, guess who comes and sits next to me.. You got it... The girl that I had ruined for all men!! So we did the normal small talk.. "what have you been up to?" "I thought you moved to California." "No. I live in Bloomington." We exchanged phone numbers. Then a plethura of mixed-up old feelings came back. Not the bad ones. Not that I felt slighted by the way our relationship ended. Not that all and all she is a self-serving individual. But that I missed her company. I still find her very attractive. Which was immediately followed by all of the "you know this is wrong" thoughts. Her cell phone rang and she went into the back room to take the phone call. I didn't finish my beer. Instead, I bolted.. didn't say good bye to anyone.
I later sent her a text message saying good bye and that I had to go home and couldn't wait for her to get off the phone.
She called me tonight. I talked to her when I got off work. She's gonna be in town Saturday and wants me to meet her for drinks and to "catch up" All of these feelings that make me do things that I know I shouldn't are still there. I've felt them all day.
I don't know if she's still clean.. I know I'm far from clean and sober, but I haven't stuck a needle in my arm or done that particular drug since the last time that I saw her. We sort of asked eachother about that last night and neither of us really answered. Junkies have a funny way of doing that.. whether we're clean or not. It can mean a number of things. It can mean "I'm clean, but I don't want to tell you that because I'm afraid that you won't want to hang out with me." or "I'm clean, but I really want to do a bunch of drugs with you and go check into a hotel and fuck like donkeys for the next 3 days" or it could mean "I'm not clean, but I don't want you to think any lesser of me, so I'm not going to answer the question."
so yeah.. that's what's been on my mind all day.. I haven't decided if I want to meet her for drinks Saturday night or not.. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't, and one or two why I want to.. Being a Mathematical Science and Computer Science double major, it shouldn't be that hard to figure out..
Yeah right....
and thanks for the desktop. it's lovely.