So.
So this friend whom I've never met took me out to the flicker shows last night. (Madagascar, as funny as it is pretty.) But see, here's the thing: I suck in person.
I have some kind of horrible anxiety about hanging out with people I don't know well. We've written each other inconsistently for about 3 years. So we know each other. I don't know what this apprehension is all about though. I'm shy. But I feel really bad. Cuz it is as though she did me a great favor stooping to hang out with me, but I failed to be as charming/witty/fucking hilarious/drop dead gorgeous or otherwise engaging as I am normally.
Last night seemed to turn into one of those horror shows wherein conversation is awkward, or forced for the sake of trying too hard. You know those times when one person is absolutely comfortable and the other is visibly shaken. One notices and tries to help the other relax or find an opening. But the other (the me this time around) can't quite make a go of it. Intended tangents trail off without making contact; where were we; sudden consciousness of white noise...
By contrast, I hung out with some friends today for no particular reason and partook of all manner of juicy gossip and their family exchanges and the woohoo whatnots. The 2-year-old even talked to me, and she _hates_ me! The difference is today was not the first time I've hung out with them.
During today's neurotica in the aftermath: You ever build something up in your mind until you are sure of it? And when that something becomes reality it seems a far cry from what you had expected. Yea. I was the disappointment in this episode. It kills me, man. Just kills me.
I hate this shit. This facing-myself shit. This knowingly walking into the fire shit. This shadow boxing that I know I will lose.
Fuck, man. How many more times?
So this friend whom I've never met took me out to the flicker shows last night. (Madagascar, as funny as it is pretty.) But see, here's the thing: I suck in person.
I have some kind of horrible anxiety about hanging out with people I don't know well. We've written each other inconsistently for about 3 years. So we know each other. I don't know what this apprehension is all about though. I'm shy. But I feel really bad. Cuz it is as though she did me a great favor stooping to hang out with me, but I failed to be as charming/witty/fucking hilarious/drop dead gorgeous or otherwise engaging as I am normally.
Last night seemed to turn into one of those horror shows wherein conversation is awkward, or forced for the sake of trying too hard. You know those times when one person is absolutely comfortable and the other is visibly shaken. One notices and tries to help the other relax or find an opening. But the other (the me this time around) can't quite make a go of it. Intended tangents trail off without making contact; where were we; sudden consciousness of white noise...
By contrast, I hung out with some friends today for no particular reason and partook of all manner of juicy gossip and their family exchanges and the woohoo whatnots. The 2-year-old even talked to me, and she _hates_ me! The difference is today was not the first time I've hung out with them.
During today's neurotica in the aftermath: You ever build something up in your mind until you are sure of it? And when that something becomes reality it seems a far cry from what you had expected. Yea. I was the disappointment in this episode. It kills me, man. Just kills me.
I hate this shit. This facing-myself shit. This knowingly walking into the fire shit. This shadow boxing that I know I will lose.
Fuck, man. How many more times?
ento:
hey stick i dont want to sound like a dick but i actually think if you got up and went out and started being more out there i guess you would prolly do better. you stay holed up in your house all the time and that cant be good. and any weays it was the first time you met her in person right , so its ok that you were really nervous. remeber that girl lorie i told you about , well i can talk to her on the phone for days but as soon as i see her in person i cant hold a conversation any better than i can fix my computer
pr3vert:
ENTO, I hate you.