so how do you know when enough really is enough?
how do you know for sure when you it is time to walk away?
is there some bullshit meter that i am unaware of?
i do not think of myself as dependent, gullible ...perhaps my problem is that i am to
hopeful.
i hope that things will work out, i hope that things will change, i hope that things will get better..
and when they dont i just start reviving that hope.
so when and where does the hope dry out? when do i finally know how to measure my happiness agaisnt my sadness
and put either keep chugging along like the lil engine that could or just say no (just like the drug advertisment)
i went out with people that i had never met last nite..i only knew one person.
they all thought i was sooooooooooo funny, even tho when i looked at them, i dont think that they
really got my humour.....which is very very dry.
i sat there wondering why are they laughing..they would rather talk about things that are absolutely of no concern to me...
so then i just decided to go home drink wine and smoke countless cigerettes...
my disease always gets worse in the winter time near holidays....
normally my downs are controllable through alot of work, patience and time that i have put towards them...
but in the winter.....i feel as if i am a bear....
i should just go and hibernate...come back when the sun is shining yellow..not gray and ick color...it gets on my nerves.
i was so proud of myself at 19 when i learned that i could control my depression without drugs....it was like someone had given me the best
gift in the whole world..
there is no way to control this winter savage beast tho....i have learned.....and dont get all sentimental or insightful on me my dear friends...because
im not that bad....i just dont care anymore.
i will begin to care again soon...after xmas after these stupid holidays where everyone drives like a nut, shops til they are poor, and generally is in an all out crazy
pyschotic mean mood....there are those few of course that smile...keep going with life....and i give them props....then there are the really wacked out people...who actually seem to enjoy the holidays..
lol...never will i understand those people (maybe i will when i have kids....kids and xmas are cute...im not that big of a scrooge)
i suppose i could take that little happy pill every morning, probably make my life easier...
by my disease is strong.....pure....and the sight of a happy pill, the thought of joining the thousands of others
who find escape in a pill sickens me....
im not dogging anyone who takes stuff, more power to you.....
its just not for me.
so im going to ride this wave..and things are going to change cause they always have, always will
even when i no longer notice.....
smoke another cigerette, find some sillly method of release...scream at the gray sky...go have sex till i drop...
these are a few of my favorite things...
(oh my god im about to break out in a song from the sound of music...all hope is now gone..lol)
see...im not that depressed..i can laugh...i can smile...
im just facing hard cold reality....and yes, the world is beautiful..and yes
i am happy to be here and FUCKING no...i do not need to read any self-help books or find the answer in god (she already told me that a long long time ago)
what i need is for time to pass and things to change...oh yeah..and this stupid holiday to end.
baaaa humbug....lol..unless your a kid (hopefully your not on this site) or a parent...
then have fun...dont forget to call....
check up on your cranky pissed off scrooge friend.
how do you know for sure when you it is time to walk away?
is there some bullshit meter that i am unaware of?
i do not think of myself as dependent, gullible ...perhaps my problem is that i am to
hopeful.
i hope that things will work out, i hope that things will change, i hope that things will get better..
and when they dont i just start reviving that hope.
so when and where does the hope dry out? when do i finally know how to measure my happiness agaisnt my sadness
and put either keep chugging along like the lil engine that could or just say no (just like the drug advertisment)
i went out with people that i had never met last nite..i only knew one person.
they all thought i was sooooooooooo funny, even tho when i looked at them, i dont think that they
really got my humour.....which is very very dry.
i sat there wondering why are they laughing..they would rather talk about things that are absolutely of no concern to me...
so then i just decided to go home drink wine and smoke countless cigerettes...
my disease always gets worse in the winter time near holidays....
normally my downs are controllable through alot of work, patience and time that i have put towards them...
but in the winter.....i feel as if i am a bear....
i should just go and hibernate...come back when the sun is shining yellow..not gray and ick color...it gets on my nerves.
i was so proud of myself at 19 when i learned that i could control my depression without drugs....it was like someone had given me the best
gift in the whole world..
there is no way to control this winter savage beast tho....i have learned.....and dont get all sentimental or insightful on me my dear friends...because
im not that bad....i just dont care anymore.
i will begin to care again soon...after xmas after these stupid holidays where everyone drives like a nut, shops til they are poor, and generally is in an all out crazy
pyschotic mean mood....there are those few of course that smile...keep going with life....and i give them props....then there are the really wacked out people...who actually seem to enjoy the holidays..
lol...never will i understand those people (maybe i will when i have kids....kids and xmas are cute...im not that big of a scrooge)
i suppose i could take that little happy pill every morning, probably make my life easier...
by my disease is strong.....pure....and the sight of a happy pill, the thought of joining the thousands of others
who find escape in a pill sickens me....
im not dogging anyone who takes stuff, more power to you.....
its just not for me.
so im going to ride this wave..and things are going to change cause they always have, always will
even when i no longer notice.....
smoke another cigerette, find some sillly method of release...scream at the gray sky...go have sex till i drop...
these are a few of my favorite things...
(oh my god im about to break out in a song from the sound of music...all hope is now gone..lol)
see...im not that depressed..i can laugh...i can smile...
im just facing hard cold reality....and yes, the world is beautiful..and yes
i am happy to be here and FUCKING no...i do not need to read any self-help books or find the answer in god (she already told me that a long long time ago)
what i need is for time to pass and things to change...oh yeah..and this stupid holiday to end.
baaaa humbug....lol..unless your a kid (hopefully your not on this site) or a parent...
then have fun...dont forget to call....
check up on your cranky pissed off scrooge friend.
I have a similar problem when I go to work and it's dark and I get off work and it's dark. I'll be happy when the 22nd of December is over. Damn shortest day of the year. Maybe it's the day before that I hate more. At least on the 22nd, you know that tomorrow will be a longer day.
My hope for you is that the "hope" never dries out. That would be a sad day indeed.
Keep away from the happy pills if you can. Drugged happy is not happiness for the soul. Fight depression any way you can though. Fight against that grey blanket that tries to smother your soul. Been there too often. I get it honestly though. My Mom was a suicide as so were one of her 1/2 brothers and one of her 1/2 sisters.
Find a reason to enjoy the season. Hang a wreath on your neighbor's door when they are not home. Don't leave a note or anything. Stomp out cuss words in the snow in your neighbor's yard. Definitely don't leave a note there!
One thing is for sure! Time will pass. It's pretty certain that things will change, too.
Take Care!!!
but you also have to be able to determine what makes you feel the way you do.. is it you? your actions? or is it your dependence on some other satisfaction to bring a smile to your heart.
winter time is a hibernation feeling time for most people. those who have the same affliction as you and even the ones who don't. i actually like to refer to it as the persephone condition.. sinking into the underworld for a period.
i hope you're smiling today.