I've been feeling so confused about myself lately. I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want or what I like.... But at the same time I know exactly who I am and what I want and I'm gonna fight for it. It's all so strange. Such an odd feeling, like being separated from yourself somehow. I don't know.
I used to be a super hardcore southern Baptist.... I know what you're thinking.... what???? Haha
Yes but it's true! And I don't miss those times at all because even then, trying to fit into that mold, I didn't fit in perfectly, my beliefs didn't match up and I was too much of a rebel. But I feel like, then, I knew who I was. I had a role to fill I guess. I was a good sweet girl who cared about people and had long hair and wore dresses. I "wasn't that kind of girl" who would ever think about having sex with someone I didn't love, and I would never have considered drinking or doing drugs or going against my parents.
A lot has changed since then. For the better, for sure, but it can be confusing. I feel like I don't know what "kind of girl" I am anymore. The things I thought I would never do, I've done. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with casual sex or trying new things or being a rebel, of course not. It's just, what does that make me? I've had sex with random people, am I A slut? No. I don't drink all that often and I don't smoke regularly or do drugs, and I rarely go out. A prude? definitely not. So I guess I'm just...normal. Except I'm not normal. I have a very high sex drive and I like to tease. I fight for what I want even when odds are against me. I don't like to follow rules and I care way too much about people. When things get hard I have a tendency to try to run. I can be extremely stubborn. I love to travel. I want more out of life than the average. I want to do something scary and new and unexpected. I want to be more than I am now, to live up to my potential. I do know who I am. I just feel like I have no niche.
Who do I want to be? Do I want to have short hair or long hair? Do I want to wear girly dresses? Do I want to be a tomboy? Do I want to be a classy little lady with a badass streak or do I want to be a filthy sailor mouth who speaks her mind but has a heart of gold? Am I shy or do I not give a fuck? I feel like I am all of these things. I feel like I am so many things at once that I can't choose one, nor do I know how to combine them all into something where I can say, "this is me"..... I know this sounds super lame because the issue is deeper than this, but it's been manifesting itself in my appearance, I really have no idea what to wear or what I want to look like because I don't know what my "style" is.
I know this is common in your early 20's... and I'm sure I'll figure it out along the way.... It's just a confusing feeling, being lost inside yourself.
I used to be a super hardcore southern Baptist.... I know what you're thinking.... what???? Haha
Yes but it's true! And I don't miss those times at all because even then, trying to fit into that mold, I didn't fit in perfectly, my beliefs didn't match up and I was too much of a rebel. But I feel like, then, I knew who I was. I had a role to fill I guess. I was a good sweet girl who cared about people and had long hair and wore dresses. I "wasn't that kind of girl" who would ever think about having sex with someone I didn't love, and I would never have considered drinking or doing drugs or going against my parents.A lot has changed since then. For the better, for sure, but it can be confusing. I feel like I don't know what "kind of girl" I am anymore. The things I thought I would never do, I've done. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with casual sex or trying new things or being a rebel, of course not. It's just, what does that make me? I've had sex with random people, am I A slut? No. I don't drink all that often and I don't smoke regularly or do drugs, and I rarely go out. A prude? definitely not. So I guess I'm just...normal. Except I'm not normal. I have a very high sex drive and I like to tease. I fight for what I want even when odds are against me. I don't like to follow rules and I care way too much about people. When things get hard I have a tendency to try to run. I can be extremely stubborn. I love to travel. I want more out of life than the average. I want to do something scary and new and unexpected. I want to be more than I am now, to live up to my potential. I do know who I am. I just feel like I have no niche.
Who do I want to be? Do I want to have short hair or long hair? Do I want to wear girly dresses? Do I want to be a tomboy? Do I want to be a classy little lady with a badass streak or do I want to be a filthy sailor mouth who speaks her mind but has a heart of gold? Am I shy or do I not give a fuck? I feel like I am all of these things. I feel like I am so many things at once that I can't choose one, nor do I know how to combine them all into something where I can say, "this is me"..... I know this sounds super lame because the issue is deeper than this, but it's been manifesting itself in my appearance, I really have no idea what to wear or what I want to look like because I don't know what my "style" is.
I know this is common in your early 20's... and I'm sure I'll figure it out along the way.... It's just a confusing feeling, being lost inside yourself.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
hecatian:
you don't need to be a kind of any sort... just be yourself, it's greatly enough
gynodoc:
I think everyone summed it up nicely. Your 20's are the time of maximum change in terms of putting together who you really are as a person. I certainly hope that I never stop growing, but the changes have been far more incremental since I left my mid to late 20s. The discovery of who you are and how you want to live isn't always comfortable. You sound pretty normal to me!