ugh. so not only did my muffler fall off yesterday, but i also had a nice little arguement with the bf. we were talking about fixations of past people we've dated, and i mentioned that it made me sad because guys had always either dated me just because i was big, or despite it. then my bf goes "well, what's wrong with liking you despite it?" are you fucking kidding me?
so i explain to him that i want someone to love me completely, bulk and all, not just tolerate it. "that's not asking too much, is it?" i asked. "yes!" he laughed promptly. he said it seemed unrealistic to him, that no one could be 100% happy with every single thing about a significant other. i explained that i didn't expect to be accepted 100%, i just wanted someone to love my body and my personality, not everything i do or say, instead of just tolerating me in some way. he still didn't seem to get it. i asked him how he would feel if i told him i really liked big, muscly guys but i could tolerate his being skinny, or i was dating him solely because he was skinny and i was attracted to skinny guys. he said he would just be happy that i found him attractive in some way. ARGH! he is such and insensitive fucking prick!
by now i already know the truth, but i just have to make him admit it, being a woman. "so," i said, "i guess this all means that you're happy with me in every other way...except what i look like?"
he immediately got frustrated and started going off about how he just dug himself a hole and it doesn't matter what he says, and blah blah blah. finally he admitted: "i don't have a problem with what you look like! i think you're beautiful! but i think you could be thinner! you've known that! i just want you to be healthier! i don't understand why my love isn't valid because i love every single other thing about you, i'd just like it if you were thinner!"
this is an ice-cold dagger, plunged into my warm, beating, bloody heart.
i didn't cry. i just felt numb all over. "see?! now you're upset!" what did he think i was gonna do when he told me this? throw a parade?
"i'm not mad at you. i'm not upset."
"you may not be mad at me, but i still hurt your feelings!" his eyes were strained with guilt. "now your self-esteem is going to get even worse, and you're going to hate yourself even worse than before."
so why did you act like such an asshole today? i thought. i had been misleading myself for the longest time. i thought he loved me...had started worshipping me, in fact, because he thought i was beautiful in every way. i thought he liked my body. but i was wrong. he was just the same as ever...had just been lying to me. he didn't find me attractive. he found me disgusting. i bet he still masturbated to pictures of skinny girls when i wasn't around. i don't think he even thought about me when we had sex. sex for him is just a more complicated masturbation. he always looks at my face, never my body. i'm just some warm hole to get off in, not a beautiful thinking being. it's all about him and his needs. or that's how i feel, anyway.
i felt almost like he'd been lying to me the past couple of happy weeks together, when he told me i make him happier than anything in the world, that i'm the most beautiful girl in the world. yeah, maybe if i lose some of my pork, that is. i ate five pieces of pizza in my desperation to make myself feel better. my stomach still felt hollow. i immediately felt guilty; here he was, telling me point-blank that i'm too fat, and i go and stuff my face. i thought about purging, but i didn't feel like i could get away with it, him being in the next room. "i'm sorry," he said in a quiet voice from the couch.
"it's okay," i said, trying not to cry, and to keep tears out of my voice. "nobody likes fat girls." i said it this time with conviction in my voice, actually believing the statement.
i lugged out my treadmill and ran on it for an hour. i ran until i could hardly breathe anymore. sounding concerned, he asked me if i wanted him to turn on the air conditioner. this pain is mine, i thought. i'd brought it on myself.
earlier that day, just as he'd gotten home from work, he flopped back on the bed and joined him. i told him about my day, how my muffler had fallen off, my push-up bra didn't work, and the new drama that had started betwwen coworkers. he told me he wished i hadn't bought the bra, since we'd need all our money for the trip. i said i'd return it; i didn't like it anyway.
he stared at me dreamily as i talked. i finally asked him what he was thinking. "i was just thinking...i'm not saying i want you to do it or you have to do it or anything...but...i was thinking maybe we could get you that gastric bypass surgery you were wanting." i was a little taken aback. i had talked about it a while back, but after the expenses had become apparent, and that i didn't fall into the "morbidly obese" category, immediately pushed it out of the realm of possibility. "i was thinking...if we're going to get a loan to fix up the house, pay off bills and stuff, we may as well try to get as much as we can with it." i nodded, looking down at the comforter. "but i'm not saying you need it, or anything!" he reassured me. "i just thought it would make you happier."
this made me kind of self-conscience all day. he must have thought i was fat...and on top of everything else, that i wasn't going to be able to lose weight on my own. i don't know how many arguments we had or how many times he yelled at me because i said i would lose weight and i didn't. i could understand why he didn't trust me to do it on my own.
i've been struggling with my weight my whole life. it has been the bain of my existence nearly my entire life thus far. it's the reason i never even kissed a boy until i was 17, and didn't lose my virginity until i was 19. i was invisible to practically everyone my entire life. i wish i had been invisible to everyone, anyway...tormenters still saw me. mine is the typical fat girl in school experience...had paper balls thrown at my wide back every morning before class, was laughed at in the locker room on the odd day i did dress out for p.e., girls in gym hated me so much because having me on their team was an almost guaruntee of losing, had gum thrown in my hair and had to cut it out myself because when i went to the office to ask for assistance everyone completely ignored me, and then of course there were the various taunts that slowly whittle down your self-esteem daily. i realize that adolescense is hard and my experience is probably not that different from others'...but he has no idea what it's like. his skinny little ass has no idea what it's like being fat. he has no idea what it's like to hate yourself for most of your life, and have other people hate you too. he could never even imagine it, nor does he try or want to. in his opinion, everybody had it hard, so get over it.
i've been struggling with this demon, my fat, my entire life...and he expects me to just LOSE WEIGHT! like it's as simple as that. like nobody's ever told me i could stand to be thinner, or that boys aren't attracted to fat girls, my whole life. like my own father had never told me that i could be pretty "if i just tried." so when he comes a long and tells me that he would like it if i were thinner, then of course that's all i needed all along, and i'll just magically have the resolve to do what i've been trying to do for the past 16 years.
he also picked up a pair of my pants, saw i was a size 18. i used to hide my size from him, thinking that would somehow hide the fact that i'm fat from him. but i don't really care anymore. after the very first time we ever had sex and he held me and cuddled me, he didn't whisper sweet nothings in my ear. instead he suggested in a hushed voice that i could probably find another weight watchers clinic around here like the one i'd went to at home. how terribly romantic.
i had to resist the strong urge to cut last night. if i could, i would just cut this pork right off of me, cleave it off with a giant butcher knife. i wish i could be annorexic...maybe i could give it another try. and there's always my old friends, binging and purging. i hurt myself the last couple times i purged, but nothing can hurt as bad as being fat. i don't think he'll care what kinds of methods i use, so long as i get thin.
when we sat at the pizzeria yesterday, a well-dressed giraffe-like model-type girl got up from another table. "that girl is so skinny!" he marveled. i snuck a peak at her. "yeah, she is. i wonder if she's a model?"
"it's gross," he said. "her head, her feet and hands...they look huge because she's so skinny! who finds that attractive?"
i shrugged. "most people do i guess."
he started guessing what size she was. "i don't know," i said. "sarra i work with is very very tiny, and she's only a size 3/4. i can't imagine what a size 0 person looks like...very petite, i guess." then, as an afterthought, and with only a slight amount of bait, "i want to be a size 3."
"you don't have to be a size 3!" he looked at me. "i like a girl to be a size 8," he said. "8, 9...10, around that area. girls that size are thin, but still curvy."
i made a silent note of this. in order to be his ideal, i should be a size 8.
i felt stabbed in the heart by the whole ordeal, true. but realizing the cold, hard truth that there's not really a place in the world for fat girls except as the butts of jokes, i guess i give up. my boyfriend who pretended to be so anti-societal ideals of beauty and accepting of me and tricked me into believing he valued me the way i am in fact doesn't like fat girls. and i'm an idiot for letting myself think otherwise. unconditional love simply does not exist. there are always conditions. from now on i'm going to work hard to be what society considers beautiful like everyone else.
so i explain to him that i want someone to love me completely, bulk and all, not just tolerate it. "that's not asking too much, is it?" i asked. "yes!" he laughed promptly. he said it seemed unrealistic to him, that no one could be 100% happy with every single thing about a significant other. i explained that i didn't expect to be accepted 100%, i just wanted someone to love my body and my personality, not everything i do or say, instead of just tolerating me in some way. he still didn't seem to get it. i asked him how he would feel if i told him i really liked big, muscly guys but i could tolerate his being skinny, or i was dating him solely because he was skinny and i was attracted to skinny guys. he said he would just be happy that i found him attractive in some way. ARGH! he is such and insensitive fucking prick!
by now i already know the truth, but i just have to make him admit it, being a woman. "so," i said, "i guess this all means that you're happy with me in every other way...except what i look like?"
he immediately got frustrated and started going off about how he just dug himself a hole and it doesn't matter what he says, and blah blah blah. finally he admitted: "i don't have a problem with what you look like! i think you're beautiful! but i think you could be thinner! you've known that! i just want you to be healthier! i don't understand why my love isn't valid because i love every single other thing about you, i'd just like it if you were thinner!"
this is an ice-cold dagger, plunged into my warm, beating, bloody heart.
i didn't cry. i just felt numb all over. "see?! now you're upset!" what did he think i was gonna do when he told me this? throw a parade?
"i'm not mad at you. i'm not upset."
"you may not be mad at me, but i still hurt your feelings!" his eyes were strained with guilt. "now your self-esteem is going to get even worse, and you're going to hate yourself even worse than before."
so why did you act like such an asshole today? i thought. i had been misleading myself for the longest time. i thought he loved me...had started worshipping me, in fact, because he thought i was beautiful in every way. i thought he liked my body. but i was wrong. he was just the same as ever...had just been lying to me. he didn't find me attractive. he found me disgusting. i bet he still masturbated to pictures of skinny girls when i wasn't around. i don't think he even thought about me when we had sex. sex for him is just a more complicated masturbation. he always looks at my face, never my body. i'm just some warm hole to get off in, not a beautiful thinking being. it's all about him and his needs. or that's how i feel, anyway.
i felt almost like he'd been lying to me the past couple of happy weeks together, when he told me i make him happier than anything in the world, that i'm the most beautiful girl in the world. yeah, maybe if i lose some of my pork, that is. i ate five pieces of pizza in my desperation to make myself feel better. my stomach still felt hollow. i immediately felt guilty; here he was, telling me point-blank that i'm too fat, and i go and stuff my face. i thought about purging, but i didn't feel like i could get away with it, him being in the next room. "i'm sorry," he said in a quiet voice from the couch.
"it's okay," i said, trying not to cry, and to keep tears out of my voice. "nobody likes fat girls." i said it this time with conviction in my voice, actually believing the statement.
i lugged out my treadmill and ran on it for an hour. i ran until i could hardly breathe anymore. sounding concerned, he asked me if i wanted him to turn on the air conditioner. this pain is mine, i thought. i'd brought it on myself.
earlier that day, just as he'd gotten home from work, he flopped back on the bed and joined him. i told him about my day, how my muffler had fallen off, my push-up bra didn't work, and the new drama that had started betwwen coworkers. he told me he wished i hadn't bought the bra, since we'd need all our money for the trip. i said i'd return it; i didn't like it anyway.
he stared at me dreamily as i talked. i finally asked him what he was thinking. "i was just thinking...i'm not saying i want you to do it or you have to do it or anything...but...i was thinking maybe we could get you that gastric bypass surgery you were wanting." i was a little taken aback. i had talked about it a while back, but after the expenses had become apparent, and that i didn't fall into the "morbidly obese" category, immediately pushed it out of the realm of possibility. "i was thinking...if we're going to get a loan to fix up the house, pay off bills and stuff, we may as well try to get as much as we can with it." i nodded, looking down at the comforter. "but i'm not saying you need it, or anything!" he reassured me. "i just thought it would make you happier."
this made me kind of self-conscience all day. he must have thought i was fat...and on top of everything else, that i wasn't going to be able to lose weight on my own. i don't know how many arguments we had or how many times he yelled at me because i said i would lose weight and i didn't. i could understand why he didn't trust me to do it on my own.
i've been struggling with my weight my whole life. it has been the bain of my existence nearly my entire life thus far. it's the reason i never even kissed a boy until i was 17, and didn't lose my virginity until i was 19. i was invisible to practically everyone my entire life. i wish i had been invisible to everyone, anyway...tormenters still saw me. mine is the typical fat girl in school experience...had paper balls thrown at my wide back every morning before class, was laughed at in the locker room on the odd day i did dress out for p.e., girls in gym hated me so much because having me on their team was an almost guaruntee of losing, had gum thrown in my hair and had to cut it out myself because when i went to the office to ask for assistance everyone completely ignored me, and then of course there were the various taunts that slowly whittle down your self-esteem daily. i realize that adolescense is hard and my experience is probably not that different from others'...but he has no idea what it's like. his skinny little ass has no idea what it's like being fat. he has no idea what it's like to hate yourself for most of your life, and have other people hate you too. he could never even imagine it, nor does he try or want to. in his opinion, everybody had it hard, so get over it.
i've been struggling with this demon, my fat, my entire life...and he expects me to just LOSE WEIGHT! like it's as simple as that. like nobody's ever told me i could stand to be thinner, or that boys aren't attracted to fat girls, my whole life. like my own father had never told me that i could be pretty "if i just tried." so when he comes a long and tells me that he would like it if i were thinner, then of course that's all i needed all along, and i'll just magically have the resolve to do what i've been trying to do for the past 16 years.
he also picked up a pair of my pants, saw i was a size 18. i used to hide my size from him, thinking that would somehow hide the fact that i'm fat from him. but i don't really care anymore. after the very first time we ever had sex and he held me and cuddled me, he didn't whisper sweet nothings in my ear. instead he suggested in a hushed voice that i could probably find another weight watchers clinic around here like the one i'd went to at home. how terribly romantic.
i had to resist the strong urge to cut last night. if i could, i would just cut this pork right off of me, cleave it off with a giant butcher knife. i wish i could be annorexic...maybe i could give it another try. and there's always my old friends, binging and purging. i hurt myself the last couple times i purged, but nothing can hurt as bad as being fat. i don't think he'll care what kinds of methods i use, so long as i get thin.
when we sat at the pizzeria yesterday, a well-dressed giraffe-like model-type girl got up from another table. "that girl is so skinny!" he marveled. i snuck a peak at her. "yeah, she is. i wonder if she's a model?"
"it's gross," he said. "her head, her feet and hands...they look huge because she's so skinny! who finds that attractive?"
i shrugged. "most people do i guess."
he started guessing what size she was. "i don't know," i said. "sarra i work with is very very tiny, and she's only a size 3/4. i can't imagine what a size 0 person looks like...very petite, i guess." then, as an afterthought, and with only a slight amount of bait, "i want to be a size 3."
"you don't have to be a size 3!" he looked at me. "i like a girl to be a size 8," he said. "8, 9...10, around that area. girls that size are thin, but still curvy."
i made a silent note of this. in order to be his ideal, i should be a size 8.
i felt stabbed in the heart by the whole ordeal, true. but realizing the cold, hard truth that there's not really a place in the world for fat girls except as the butts of jokes, i guess i give up. my boyfriend who pretended to be so anti-societal ideals of beauty and accepting of me and tricked me into believing he valued me the way i am in fact doesn't like fat girls. and i'm an idiot for letting myself think otherwise. unconditional love simply does not exist. there are always conditions. from now on i'm going to work hard to be what society considers beautiful like everyone else.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
no offense, but your guy seems to have a few 'ass-like' qualities
I think you are lovely!