i finally got a treadmill...actually, my bf got it for me. it's just a manual, but it's something. i've been walking on it for the past few days, just a bit at a time until i get used to it. i WILL get in shape again!
at the beginning of july we're going to south carolina and get to go to the beach and stuff. i'm pretty excited about it, except for having to wear a bathing suit in public, and not owning a cute one. i'm also kind of dreading it because i think when we get home i'm going to move out. i just hope he doesn't hate me. but who knows...maybe i'll magically regain my love for him on this trip.
my new schedule is killing me. it doesn't get dark here until 9:30, and we've been going to sleep at 10...sometimes he goes earlier. i know he can't help it, and i don't blame him, since he has to get up at 5...but i usually sleep longer, so at bedtime i'm not tired. and staying up awake by myself makes me feel so depressed for some reason...but so does going to bed just as it's getting dark. i just keep thinking "i'm so old now." and all he talks about is fixing up the house and paying bills...i know it's life, but it depresses me so hard. it feels like being married to a grandpa. i'm dying for a little romance and consideration...and he's just absolutely clueless. i've dropped hints about how i like romance, and he just doesn't get it. he asks me how to be romantic. and i don't know what to tell him...romance just is. maybe it's my fault. i want to hear how special i am every now and then, i want to be cuddled and kissed all the time instead of just when he's trying to get in my pants, i want to be told i'm beautiful some other time than when i'm having sex, i want to know he has passion and burns for me...instead of just asking me to do the dishes or talking about this stupid house all the time.
i guess i feel guilty because i know that, in his own way, he loves me very much, and he really does try to make me happy. but deep down, i just feel that we're incompatable. it makes me feel like a heinous bitch. his idea of a perfect life and mine are just too different. his involves tons or responsibility and mature adults and an adult woman...and i am so not an adult. i don't know if i ever will be. i need someone who's as much of a kid as me.
but i guess that's the way things go. i just want out before i get brainwashed into this new life of being indifferent about everything, and before i know it i'm marrying a guy who reminds me way too much of my mother and them i'm having kids i never wanted that i'm sure he'd hardly have a hand in raising because that's "a woman's job." *shudders* anyway, i guess i'm just rambling. other than that, everything's just peachy.
at the beginning of july we're going to south carolina and get to go to the beach and stuff. i'm pretty excited about it, except for having to wear a bathing suit in public, and not owning a cute one. i'm also kind of dreading it because i think when we get home i'm going to move out. i just hope he doesn't hate me. but who knows...maybe i'll magically regain my love for him on this trip.
my new schedule is killing me. it doesn't get dark here until 9:30, and we've been going to sleep at 10...sometimes he goes earlier. i know he can't help it, and i don't blame him, since he has to get up at 5...but i usually sleep longer, so at bedtime i'm not tired. and staying up awake by myself makes me feel so depressed for some reason...but so does going to bed just as it's getting dark. i just keep thinking "i'm so old now." and all he talks about is fixing up the house and paying bills...i know it's life, but it depresses me so hard. it feels like being married to a grandpa. i'm dying for a little romance and consideration...and he's just absolutely clueless. i've dropped hints about how i like romance, and he just doesn't get it. he asks me how to be romantic. and i don't know what to tell him...romance just is. maybe it's my fault. i want to hear how special i am every now and then, i want to be cuddled and kissed all the time instead of just when he's trying to get in my pants, i want to be told i'm beautiful some other time than when i'm having sex, i want to know he has passion and burns for me...instead of just asking me to do the dishes or talking about this stupid house all the time.
i guess i feel guilty because i know that, in his own way, he loves me very much, and he really does try to make me happy. but deep down, i just feel that we're incompatable. it makes me feel like a heinous bitch. his idea of a perfect life and mine are just too different. his involves tons or responsibility and mature adults and an adult woman...and i am so not an adult. i don't know if i ever will be. i need someone who's as much of a kid as me.
but i guess that's the way things go. i just want out before i get brainwashed into this new life of being indifferent about everything, and before i know it i'm marrying a guy who reminds me way too much of my mother and them i'm having kids i never wanted that i'm sure he'd hardly have a hand in raising because that's "a woman's job." *shudders* anyway, i guess i'm just rambling. other than that, everything's just peachy.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Having responsibilities doesn't mean you're "old." Talking about them all day long does. When I hang out with a girlfriend or just friends, I like to joke around, talk about the latest cool cd, something stupid on tv I saw...we make jokes about goofy things that happened at work or some funny thing someone did the last time they got wasted out at a club. Fun stuff. I rarely talk about my day at work (unless it's a really funny story,) cause the last thing I want to do when I'm not at work...is talk about work! Plus, no one else really cares.
You wanna fix up the house, fine. You want to work in the yard, fine. But I don't want to be bored with all the details of it. Just do it and shut up about it, I say! Conversations should be entertaining, not a chore. Everyone has responsibilities, but if that's all you've got to talk about, well, that makes you sorta old. If you talk to someone about how you just mowed your lawn, you're old.
Sometimes I actually think I feel a pain in my stomach when I see or hear something from a couple out in public that comes across to me as "old and boring and cranky." I always think, "man, I never want my life to be like that..." I'll give you an example:
There's a couple in their 20's who live across the street from me. I was outside on the porch one evening when the guy was returning from the store. He was unloading stuff from the car and his wife came out. The first thing out of his mouth (and he yelled this like it annoyed him to no end) was, "hey, you forgot to give me the damn coffee coupon!" I'm thinking, "who the fuck cares?"
If I ever reach the point in a relationship where I have to yell at my girlfriend about having to spend an extra $1.50 on a can of coffee cause she forgot to give me a coupon...well, someone just shoot me in the head.
Sure, people have to pay bills. Sure, maybe you have to mow your lawn. Sure, you may have to clean the toilet from time to time. But you gotta have some fun in life. You gotta have some romance. You gotta have some surprises from time to time.
My advice to you: don't ever grow up. From what I've seen , it's highly over-rated...