so my best friend of some odd years told me last night that we shouldn't be friends anymore. which honestly, i'm not that upset about, for several varied reasons. for one, it's totally my fault he's pissed at me, because i went talking shit behind his back to one of my other closest friends, although it's nothing i wouldn't have told him myself. i just hate the way he treats people, or my experience in the way he treats people. keeping them at arm's length, acting like he's doing you a favor by hanging out with you, and just casting (very close) friends out of his life like garbage. i've been pretty pissed at him since he completely disowned and practically crucified one of my other closest friends for one stupid incident, which he was pretty much the catalyst of.
and like he said, we pretty much haven't been friends in the true sense of the word in a long time. part of the reason i was so keen on dropping everything in my old life and moving to michigan suddenly was because all my old friends except for one had made new friends i didn't necessarily like, and were always busy with them or other things, so i didn't really feel like i had anything to stick around for anymore.
in a way i'm a bit relieved because pretty much all this person ever did for me and my group of friends was cause drama. i don't know how many times we got into stupid fights and "stopped being friends" because of something i said or did that made him feel i wasn't worthy enough to know him. i guess that's why i started being kind of a bitch to him, because i want my friends to stick with me through all the shit, no matter what i do or say, and to genuinely care about me, instead of disowning me over a single instant of bad judgement, or slip of the tongue, or whatever it may be.
pretty much if you're not there to be his groupie or feed his ego in some way, he really has no time for you. and if you are his friend, you are totally disposable at any given time. all it takes is displeasing him once. or that's the way he always made me feel, anyway. and i really can't deal with that kind of shit anymore.
oh, and i also finally heard back from BODacious magazine. apparently i don't have the "look" they're going for right now, but they said they'd keep me on file. meh. i guess that's a nice way of saying i'm not pretty enough or something? it'd be nice if something good finally happened to me.
i've never known what it feels like to be beautiful or popular...i guess that's why i wanted to model. but all i ever get is rejected...i'm just not cut out for it i guess. even here, where everyone is so wonderful and supportive, i'm not popular. i guess i'm just being a whiney baby....
oh, and cosmetology school kinda fell through for now. apparently, i won't be able to get financial aid because my parents aren't poor enough, even though i don't live with them and they haven't supported me for a year. yeah, that makes sense. but i'm gonna figure out if i really want to go through with it and everything...i do want to make more money so i can get surgery, and there's not really much else i feel like i can go to school for. i get so excited when i research surgery online.
maybe someday....
and like he said, we pretty much haven't been friends in the true sense of the word in a long time. part of the reason i was so keen on dropping everything in my old life and moving to michigan suddenly was because all my old friends except for one had made new friends i didn't necessarily like, and were always busy with them or other things, so i didn't really feel like i had anything to stick around for anymore.
in a way i'm a bit relieved because pretty much all this person ever did for me and my group of friends was cause drama. i don't know how many times we got into stupid fights and "stopped being friends" because of something i said or did that made him feel i wasn't worthy enough to know him. i guess that's why i started being kind of a bitch to him, because i want my friends to stick with me through all the shit, no matter what i do or say, and to genuinely care about me, instead of disowning me over a single instant of bad judgement, or slip of the tongue, or whatever it may be.
pretty much if you're not there to be his groupie or feed his ego in some way, he really has no time for you. and if you are his friend, you are totally disposable at any given time. all it takes is displeasing him once. or that's the way he always made me feel, anyway. and i really can't deal with that kind of shit anymore.
oh, and i also finally heard back from BODacious magazine. apparently i don't have the "look" they're going for right now, but they said they'd keep me on file. meh. i guess that's a nice way of saying i'm not pretty enough or something? it'd be nice if something good finally happened to me.
i've never known what it feels like to be beautiful or popular...i guess that's why i wanted to model. but all i ever get is rejected...i'm just not cut out for it i guess. even here, where everyone is so wonderful and supportive, i'm not popular. i guess i'm just being a whiney baby....
oh, and cosmetology school kinda fell through for now. apparently, i won't be able to get financial aid because my parents aren't poor enough, even though i don't live with them and they haven't supported me for a year. yeah, that makes sense. but i'm gonna figure out if i really want to go through with it and everything...i do want to make more money so i can get surgery, and there's not really much else i feel like i can go to school for. i get so excited when i research surgery online.
maybe someday....
Oh and I wouldn't worry too much about the BOD magazine thing. I think the "look" they are going for is much heavier than you. Its certainly not that you aren't pretty enough. I have the mag and they are definately catering to the fetish aspects of big women, so they are getting the biggest girls possible. So don't let that get you down, hun!
What kind of surgery do you want? I think you're beautiful and gorgeous just the way you are, so if it ever came to a vote, my vote for surgery would be "no". hehe
I love you babe! *kisses*