ponyboycurtis

(a few things strung together)

theme song or how to cheat at everything




im good thanks for asking

good being a lie, you see no one wants to
hear the details of misery,
no one really wants to retell it
i selfishly wish she was unhappy
but im strangely glad she is happy,
i mean she did survive me
(stop right now, its NOT ABOUT YOU)
must you make me quote a cliche
a carly simon cliche

and this isnt even a song


anyway
survive me, it sounds like i died
instead of just wallowing in misery
like some kind of emotional pig
(dont tell me how they are actually clean and smart)

im really tired of these fucking disclaimers
its why i originally got rid of myspace
ok well actually the original reason is because
i didnt want to even bump into her
(yeah you guessed it)
on the internet.
and yet there they are.

and most of the time i dont look.
to quote Dostoevsky:
"Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering . . ."


i told you i was getting a little better.
nothings changed with me.
people dont change.
to quote Dostoevsky:
"...you never could become a different man; that even if time and faith were still left you to change into something different you would most likely not wish to change; or if you did wish to, even then you would do nothing; because perhaps in reality there was nothing for you to change into."

what is there to change into?

other peoples different ways of being?
im not them.

id like to go out with a whimper.





-----------------------------------------------------------

now that you know me better dont you want to see me more?


no you probably dont.
i cannot think of one truly important thing in my life i havnt botched in some way or another. When my friend christy died, i was one of the pall bearers... we (the group i hung with back then) had never had any friends die on us before, so we freaked out a bit when we were outside smokingt in front of the funeral parlor and we saw the procession drive past. luckily we had her brother with us. we arrived at the cemetary and didnt see any other cars. we thought we had beat everybody there. so we got out of our cars and as we crested the hill... we saw eveyone there. we were fifteen minutes late to bury our friend.

i cant tell you how many finals for incredibly important classes i have overslept.

i had to pick up a friend returning from new york and i was at the airport on time and i called and asked again what her flight number was... then i realized it wasnt the jackson airport she was flying into it was new orleans.

ask my most recent ex what a disappointment i am.

once when my mother was in town for 2 days after not having seen me for a year. i slept through the entire last day. she flew out at four o clock.

maybe i have some sort of psychological subconcious urge to fuck up everything thats important to me because i feel i need to be punished. god knows i walk around in a constant state of feeling guilty about something all the time.

i fucked up TODAY.
once again i did one of my incredible feats of sleeping for more that twelve hours.

only to wake up and have how much of a fucktard i am shoved right into my face.


typical typical typical me.
now i remember what i was thinking when i put myself in the hospital last year.


(due to some understanable confusion, let me stress im not going to put myself back in the hospital. no need to worry. really.)


-----------------------------------------------------------

stop stop stop stop stop stop stop


cant wont dont shouldt
but i cant help it

im hell bent apparently on
doing this to myself.


(ive been surviving for years on it)
no-one knows it but me.


ill laugh extra quiet when you tell me you know me.
-end-



_________________________________________________________
and a really old and sad poem to the women ive loved and hated
_________________________________________________________


once again a letter to the women in my life

you, sixteen candles, your flames shed too faint a light
to see any future, and im sorry, in some other place/time/life
maybe.
and now, you, with your jumbled nicknames,
you have found someone that made you feel
and for as much happiness i find in any of you finding
happiness
i find MYself jealous, or bitter, or discouraged
(theres that word again - courage)
i havent really kissed anyone in months.
i could care less about my member screaming for warm wet dark

but my warm wet lips they arent screaming
they whisper their prayer.
how i long to look up at you from between
you
and try and steady your shaking legs
barely breathing for my depth
only trying to make it harder to hold you
working with careful attention on the rhythm
and motion, going crazy waiting for you to yank my hair
and pull my face up and almost whimper
"inside me...now"

when i have breathed you in once
ive breathed you in forever.

oh and you girls (sorry women i must attend to everyone)
no im not impressed that you want to fuck me when youre drunk
no im not impressed when you want me/dont want me
i may have nothing to do for hours but i have NO time for you
to the unoriginal missile tit bitch, steal another idea from me
and youll know youve piussed me off instead of just wondering.
to the skinny artful dodger, i was sorry for a second
but then i realized how youre just a drag and damned if i didnt
laugh when i realized i had to kick you to the curb this time.
you betcha i had a great time at the show. without you.
and you finally you, the bad art fearful catholic
youd be a good kisser if youd have kept your mouth shut
i wish i could have told a younger me to let you get caught
fake enthusiasm grates me like so much mediocrity
id rather be despised and hated than be the middle
and maybe thats what you girls have im common
flowerstealing/cantgetyourshittogether/dramasponge/rubbernecking/cunts
all of you.

but my ladies, my lovely women, who's worst crime is not loving me
(and thats more of a common sense thing i imagine)
i applaud you, i venerate you, i admire you in my off-time
you give me strength, you give me hope that i at twenty three have found a handful of you
barely that even, but still im damn young, and to have found one
to have kissed one. to have loved one. to remain loving each of you
it alerts me that searching is not vain. that landing face down in the dirt can
make you look tough if you get back up and look them in the eye.
ive loved you. i never stop either. i never forget your smells
the way you taste. the way i imagine you would have tasted.
i draw on you because, i have named you: favorites, and best, and the only ones
or the first ones ever to.
youve made me cum when no one else could.
you made me care when i couldnt.
you brought me back in the light by showing me how to pull
the blanket down stand up stretch and walk
you women of my life, id die for, id defend, id make peace for
i love you all, and only wish youd come to your senses
and buy a big house, with big rooms and big beds, and we'd have cigarettes and scotch
and talk about the wonderful and awful mistake and success that life is
and each night i could lay next to each of you
maybe we could start a college
and teach the word that paradise is unreasonable and cruel
by opening my shirt and showing my heart.
ill kiss each of you with my tongue in cheek.
until eternity rolls along long enough for that to occur
sleep well sweet ladies, im your beds warmed by the men that
did it better than me, men that you never left even when we were together,
men who are simply there unlike i am, men who make you happier
if you ever find a moment when their touch is strange
or feel a space between closely pressed flesh
its only me loving you with the hearts of a thousand men
its only me dreaming of feather beds, and bodies and laughter.
its only me writing a letter to you, the women i love.
- end -