ponette

I wish I was a writer who sees what's yet unseen
I wish I was a prayer expressing what I mean
I wish I was a forest of trees that do not hide
(Come to me)
I wish I was a clearing no secrets left inside

When I was a kid I was shy.
I was reserved.
I was quiet.
I seeped simple confidence from my pores because I had no choice.
I can promise you that my motto at age six was Never let em see you sweat.
By working with trial lawyers in my twenties I learned ways to take this indifference further by pushing aside even the things that brought me joy just to avoid any appearance of being ruffled.
But my peak of coldness came just before my divorce from Nick in early 2000. We were sitting in my car, just outside our bank where we were going to split our checking account in half. Earlier in the day I had handed him divorce papers. Nick was sitting in the drivers seat staring at his hands on the steering wheel. It felt like hours that we sat there in silence. Finally I said, Everything is going to be fine. It will. With an incredulous severity he faced me and said Oh YOULL be fine. YOURE ALWAYS FINE, no matter what happens!
It felt like a slap. And I knew exactly what he meant.

It took 33 years for me to reach a point of complete vulnerability in a relationship. Fears that my friends faced in high school, I wake up with in nightmares. While my confidence in the bedroom rivals that of an eighteen year old boy, I find myself racked with worry over what I perceive to be the probable infidelity of the man who has clearly shown more than a fleeting interest in me.
Ah yes. Who I am and who I perceive myself to be when trying to open myself up to the pangs of love are complexly at odds.
Now, Im sure that my recently having been run over with deceit by my LA lover didnt help. But other than that, Im at a loss to explain my reactions. The best I can do is apologize when I have been a fool and try to find some happy medium between my insane insecurities and my calculated apathy.

That being said, this seems like a good time to remind myself of something I was told back in 2000 by a therapist I started seeing after the ice in my veins began to thaw. It went something like this:
Close your eyes. I want you to think of every bad thing you have ever done that has hurt someone. Now think about all the things youve thought or said or did that you wouldnt want anyone to find out about. Now add in all the things you try to pretend never happened, but did.

Now, he said, Imagine telling that to someone that you love; someone who you really want to love you back.

He paused to let that soak in. The mere suggestion of attempting to put my worst, most embarrassing thoughts and actions into audible sentences made me feel sick and scared. And finally, said the counselor, Imagine that he stays That is love.

My imagination is wild, but not yet so developed as to believe in this dream long enough to see it through. Fact is, I am me. Bad days. Good days. I want what everyone wants. To be loved by someone who expects the best from me, but stands by me when I screw up. (Because I screw up a lot.) Someone I can love even when I have behaved unlovely.