ponette

I have had a very bad afternoon. And as much as I would like to crawl in a corner and die, I suppose deep down, I have too much anger for that.

But I did write it through. And seeing as how my other forums are a little too "kissy-kissy-make-nice" for real emotion, I have decided to post it here. I'm only going to leave this up for 24 hours becuase I don't think I can bear to look at it longer than that. Anyway - it's nothing formal. Just some thoughts.

The smooth ripple of your back
My adulation for your voice
The brilliant things you said
And everything I ever hoped
These are the bits I stamp out like dangerous embers in my mind

My regret is like a lump of soured milk
In the pit of me
Im washed up, tired and dazed.

I am tired
I am tired
I am tired

I hate you because I love you

You are my father leaving me behind
You are my mothers false security
You are my sisters cold silence
You are my brothers fear of himself
You are everyone who ever showed me that I am not good enough

Every rejection
The subtle ones too

And worse

You are all the men who never knew me
Never gave a damn
But for my flesh

I hate how I loved you

You are my tattered wardrobe
You are the hunger pains below my ribs
You are the broken parts of my car
You are the unkempt mane upon my head
You are everything that makes me fear I cannot make it alone

Each uncertainty
The whispered ones too

You are all the men who never knew me
Never gave a damn
But for my flesh

I have to hate you because I love you