ponette

It's too too early and I have no idea why I'm awake.
OK... Something happened a few days ago that I suppose is important but I haven't written about it at all. Since writing is my primary outlet, that strikes me as a little odd. But then, whenever something is signnificant, this tends to happen.
At the risk of shocking and maybe even hurting a few people reading... I figure if I can't be honest in this journal, I can't be honest anywhere. So here goes.

Ten years ago I met a man I'll call Robert. We dated for a few months and broke up. Only problem is, I had already made plans to move to the city where he lived for other reasons. We became friends; but for the next three years he pursued getting back together. At one point I moved away, tried to forget him and got on with life. But when my new life didn't work out the way I hoped, I came back to that same city where he was. At that time, we discussed getting back together, but decided it wasn't a good idea. We are very different. This man actually reminds me a great deal of my dad, yet most of the similarities are the bad traits. I love my dad and we get along great. But I have never wanted to marry someone just like him.

Anyway, this didn't stop us from "accidentally" sleeping together over the years. Robert has been the most consistant man in my life outside of my family. I have given him plenty of reason to give up on me, but he hung in there until 2002 when I finally looked at him and said "OK, I want to do this."

I gave it my all. I sucked up my pride and told everyone that I had always loved him and I wanted to see if we could make it together. Robert then got cold feet. We even went to counseling to figure out what the deal was. Then, in September of that same year, he broke up with me. He said he just didn't know if I was "the one" and so I must not be. I was devestated and humiliated. I told him he had made a mistake and that I knew he would regret it.
Sure enough, two months later he had changed his tune. By then, I had decided to move here to CA and start over. It had occurred to me that in alll the years I knew Robert, he had never taken an active interest in anything I did. It had always been me, as a friend and sometimes lover, attending his concerts, supporting his motorbike racing, getting to know his family and friends.

I left Nashville, where Robert lives, in March of 2003, spent almost a year traveling and being with my friends and family back in Oklahoma. The entire time Robert pursued me. He would call and tell me he loved me and generally make me feel guilty for leaving. Sometime in there, I don't know exactly when, I started to wonder if I had made a mistake too. I did still love him but I couldn't figure out how to trust that he had learned something and would be more considerate of my dreams and etc.

In February of this year I made to Cali. My thoughts about him only increased; but two things kept me from telling him. 1) I wanted to make it out here on my own. Going back to Nashville would have felt like defeat. I nearly starved my first three months here, but I'm stubborn and I couldn't turn back. 2) I couldn't be sure I was specifically wanting Robert or if I was just lonely in general.
During this ordeal my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I really wanted to call Robert several times and ask him to come get me. I so wanted to be with someone who knew me and loved me.
In June I did break down and call, though I said it was just to see how he was. He told me that he's been dating someone. But he stressed that he was still in love with me. I couldn't bring myself to tell him everything. I was still unemployed and scraping to survive. All I told him was that I wanted to hear his voice, that I think of him often.

In July I landed a job and a place to live with these great people next to the beach. I fessed up to my friends here and in Nashville about Robert, They all told me to call him. But no, I waited another two months to contact him.

I had this brilliant idea to send him a CD with only the song "White Flag" on it. Inside, a small note said "I'll be in Nashville Sept. 3 -6. If you have any doubts, contact me." I figured this would give him and easy out if things were going well with his new girl.

My weekend in Nashville passed without incident as I expected it would. Robert hasn't had many serious relationships, but when he does find someone, he gives it his best shot. I settled in to the idea that it was all finally over.

I could see that what I needed was that closure. I guess, in the back of my mind I always thought that if he was so sure I was the one, then maybe I was. I have always said that I want a man who will not give up on me no matter how I push him away. I tend to do that, by the way. I get scared and I run. When the movie "Runaway Bride" came out, I got more than a few comments my way about it.

So, his not contacting me helped. In some way, I felt relieved.

Then, on Sunday night he called. Seems he had been touring with some band he plays for now and when he got home he turned right around and left for two days of racing. He didn't check his mail until Saturday night. Did he call to reclaim his love? No. He called because he wanted to explain why he can't see me.

The woman he's been seeing is moving to Nashville next month. He tells me she's great and that he wants to see if it can work with her. He also says he still loves me and that he struggled all day about what to do. I explained that he didn't have to call, that I had left him an out. He said he knew that but too much had happened between us not to call.

I wasn't really sure what I felt talking to him. The way he explained it, this new woman is a better gamble than I am. "I just can't risk it." he said. I see his point, though, obviously, what I had wanted all along is someone who would risk everything for me. After all, I am the kind of woman who takes big risks and believes in grand gestures.

When I hung up the phone I thought I should cry or something. But I didn't feel much of anything other than the slow release of ten years of wondering and confusion.

I'm sure none of the other men I have dated in the last ten years would enjoy hearing that someone else had a hold on me all along, but I didn't know it myself. And maybe now, I am freeer than I have ever been.

That's my story. Poof! A new life has begun.

Thank you for reading this too long and not so entertaining story.