So, I watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" today, and I shouldn't have.
I'd never seen it before, it made me sob.
I'm in a really good place in life at the moment. I am well aware of that, and I don't deny it, I haven't really ranted about anything in a while either. Maybe that's why it is SO GODDAMN HARD for me to understand and accept the fact I am single, and worse than that - no one here (down here, physically close to me) seems to be interested. Not even for plain sex. I feel so taken for granted, under-appreciated...
I haven't been with anyone since April, and my last experience was really, really unpleasant and degrading, and that was after I decided to be more sensible about who I choose to do it with or not. So now, it's like I pretty much shut myself for good, simply because I don't believe there's anyone out there for me anymore. The few times I swallowed my pride and tried having no-strings-attached encounters, I got pwned.
You know what's worse? I used to blame being alone on the fact I weighed over 300 pounds in a country obsessed with twigs. I haven't become one, but I'm half of what I used to be, and yet I still only get compliments from women, who happen to be straight, and know me by the pictures I post on my fotolog.
What am I supposed to think now, you know? I can't figure out what's wrong with me, and there's gotta be SOMETHING. It can't be a "it's me against the world" sorta thing....
I don't even know if I want a serious, exclusive relationship. I want someone to come along and make me want that - and want it as well, for once. Sweep me off my feet, will ya?
I sound really needy. I am at the moment. Plus I'm tired of doing 'it' alone for lack of a better choice, I'm tired of my best friend being the strongest male reference in my life, tired of trying to understand what I'm doing wrong, tired of lack of physical contact, closeness, complicity, tired of my inexperience, and of wondering what being loved and wanted like that would be like.
It seems that everyone who would be willing to step up to the plate is at least one ocean away.
My best female friend said I need to put myself out there. I feel too old emotionally to go out, and I've never learned to hunt. No charm, no game. I'm sure my mom would've taught me a thing or two if she'd had the chance.....
So yeah. I'm tired of this shit.
If you read it, thank you. Now write some about it? I appreciate it....
Oh, as for the hair. I want it turquoise - of course, it's the ONE COLOR I CAN'T find in Brazil. So it's black. For now. Thanks for the inputs =]
First I would like to say that you're absolutely gorgeous. I too find it strange that no man in Brazil is after you. Look I know it sucks at the moment, but for now just enjoy "YOU". When you stop searching for it, is when things tend to find you. Be proud of the wieght you lost. You sound like a cool female.Ejoy your life and you'll see that when you really love yourself someone else will love you too. plus if I were in Brazil, I would pleasure you over and over again!! MMmm, damn! Bye sexy.
I understand what you're feeling right now. It is hard to believe as I (and a bunch of male here I'm sure...) find you sincerely attractive (being over 300 pounds or not.. coz that does matter only in less-educate people), and difficult to live. I've been there. I felt like I was alone "against" the others, like useless, and like I didn't have the right to be happy...
The physical and psychological need is complexe... And how to explain how two complete different man and woman can meet each other and spend the rest of their life together ?... One thing sure, Life will always help these 2 guys to cross their way. Maybe several times...
All that just to say: BE SURE Time will arrive for you to meet your soul-mate (a little too romantic I know...), maybe in your neighborhood, or at work, etc.. And it's woth waiting for it... It is tough, but you can make it...
Between you and me, I can't believe People can't get interested about you !?
Something a good friend told about me sometime ago : "You have to open yourself, for people to get to see you"... a very suggestive remark telling me that people feel when you are emotionnally available, weak or closed...
Tons of Hugs and Kisses !
Turquoise Hair ? Nice. Plain black's cool too, or White ?....
The physical and psychological need is complexe... And how to explain how two complete different man and woman can meet each other and spend the rest of their life together ?... One thing sure, Life will always help these 2 guys to cross their way. Maybe several times...
All that just to say: BE SURE Time will arrive for you to meet your soul-mate (a little too romantic I know...), maybe in your neighborhood, or at work, etc.. And it's woth waiting for it... It is tough, but you can make it...
And your hand can handle that, right ?
Enjoy beeing "free" for a very little while...
Between you and me, I can't believe People can't get interested about you
Something a good friend told about me sometime ago : "You have to open yourself, for people to get to see you"... a very suggestive remark telling me that people feel when you are emotionnally available, weak or closed...
Tons of Hugs and Kisses !
Turquoise Hair ? Nice. Plain black's cool too, or White ?....