polaris

i'm back!

here in my empty apartment. i just need to get rid of this place. everytime i drive here, come here, i'm reminded of how much i miss it here. i miss the smell of my candles and my cigarettes. i miss crawling into bed and smelling last night's conquest. it really makes me nostalgic.

speaking of which. something happened that i did not intend. an old friend blew in from the past this week. i cannot say it's impossible, considering i set myself up for it, but it was still a shock. his mom called me at work and said she was going to stop by to pick up some supplies, we chatted for awhile and i asked how the family was, how he was. told her last time i saw him was at his play, a month before i moved away, and that he wrote the nicest thing in my program. it was dedicated like so: "to my one love, polaris."

i'll never forget what i did next that day. i didn't even look at the program after he signed it. a month later i was packed and moved to california. i didn't find the program until i was unpacking. to know that he felt this way all these years and never vocalized it was a shock all too familiar. years passed and time erased all memory of him, except for those times late at night when i'd lay awake and think of him. other than those times, he was just another one lost.

now he's back in my life. and i'm not sure how i feel about it. part of me wants to run back into his arms and be comfortable again. the other part thinks it's been too long, we're different people now, and what was there before may not be recovered.