poizen

Crappy Valentine's day I am broken

(disclaimer, I might be drinking right now so any grammar/spelling/emoness is excused)

Another long stressful day on the job(10th day in a row, 2 days off in the last 28ish) I am pretty sure I hate everyone who has someone today At least this year I don't even have anyone I would consider asking to be my Valentine thus saving myself the disappointment of getting turned down. I used to like this day because being romantic and creative always comes easily to me, but 3 years ago that all changed and ushered in an era of self-doubt and low self-esteem that I still haven't been able to get away from despite my best efforts.

(I decided I needed to type this story somewhere? Might as well do it on my blog...)

So of course there was a girl. Of course when I met her she had a douche-bag abusive boyfriend (the best kind, liar, cheater, beater...) we worked together and quickly became friends finding out we had many things in common(up until this point I had never met a girl that could game like I could game...and definitely none as gorgeous as she was) we listened to the same music, read the same books, liked the same movies...but there was always that shitty boyfriend. So a year or goes by...after countless nights of playing Guitar Hero until dawn...evening rides on the back of my motorcycle...trying to give good advice when it's not very hard to tell how much I hate this guys' guts...they finally break it all off and after a few months it's conveniently Valentine's day...

At this point my life I was working as a production glassblower so I decided what the hell, I will make a dozen glass roses a week before and ask her that way I figured even if this didn't go anywhere I could make one night completely amazing so she'd at least remember it forever. She accepted of course. The week went insanely slow but I made arrangements to make it special. Got her real roses and left them at her apartment before class...I let her pick the movie we saw and she picked some terrible chick flick...maybe just to torture me? I picked the restaurant, a French place, she'd never actually eaten French and great-grandparents were from there...covered up the prices on the wine list and let her pick whatever sounded best...had lots of fun with it. We head back to her place after dinner to hang out for a while, but are feeling sleepy from the bottle of wine and big dinner so we go to a coffee place nearby to try to perk up...while we are there her roommate (also a good friend of mine) calls and her boyfriend didn't do anything for her so she wants someone to hang out with so we decide to head back(after stopping by the store to grab a rose for her so she can have a flower on valentines day too) we hang out for a little while but she's still sleepy so she wishes me a good night and gives me a kiss on the way out of the door...I was pretty disappointed but I figured there would always be another time to hang out.

Well I guess she waited a couple hours...maybe tried to sleep? Then went to her ex-boyfriends house locked herself in his bathroom and took an entire bottle of his anti-depressants trying to kill herself...I hear about all of this sometime the next afternoon also finding out I am one of three people she is allowing to see her in the hospital (her roommate, father, and me). I spent the next week coming to visit once per day...bringing new books, comics, anything to help out pretty much...giving her someone to talk to. She even called me to come give her a ride home from the hospital which was an hour away...and that was the last time she talked to me.

So that was 3 years ago and I have yet to find anyone else that I have felt any sort of connection to...starting to feel like I am broken...and then as I get older I meet less and less people in general anyway so this time of the year EXTRA EXTRA sucks for me. I am going back to my bottle of vodka and bong-rips...