I've been thinking alot lately and i still cannot decide if thats a good thing or not. I remember how I was when I was 14 and 15. For some reason even though at that time I thought I was going through the hardest times of my life I really like who I was back then. Sure I was a fuck up at school and my mom treated me as if I was the walking poster child for the black plague, but I was happy with myself. I maintained myself. I was never on a specific diet but I did watch to some extent my food intake, I would take a shower every day, AND blow dry my hair to get that perfect "freshly clean" look to it... I dont mean to sound so vain and please understand it is not my intent to sound like a snob, but I was so much happier being able to mantain my appearance and not feel like I'm ALWAYS allowing myself to let go. I remember walking through school and actually being noticed. I was always hanging out with someone, laughing it up and being a social butterfly that hardly had enemies. Lately I fell like this hag that always has to fix problems, or call people and bitch them out until I turn blue in the face because it always seems like someone is trying to screw me.
Why dont people see through me? Why am I not one of those people that you can look at and regardless what they tell you, you know that something is just not right. Believe it or not I wish I were transparent... I wish i were obvious and predictable... why cant anyone around me see that I have nothing left in me anymore. That I dont want to fight anymore and that I literally feel both physically and mentally like I am swimming against a current that I am not strong enough for!? I barely have love for anything because I honestly feel so empty inside. I had an argument with my husband yesterday and he mentioned something about leaving with the baby and I told him to leave and to TAKE the baby... that he would probably be better off with him anyway. The scary part is I actually sat there trying to justify this is my head. Why do I feel like I hardly have love for my own fucking SON!! What is wrong with me?? At this point if I try to speak to anyone in my family they will just chalk it up to one of my weird obsessions...or whatever it is they think I have.
I just dont know what to do anymore or who to turn to for help. And try as he might my husband is not the one that is going to help me because he doesn't know how. I literally feel like this is beyond words already and the more I try to ignore this thing that **mind you I have no idea what "IT" is** the more I feel like its a giant that is banging down my door. I hardly sleep anymore, and if I sleep its only to dream terrible dreams of me fighting with someone until I kill them, and at times eat them even!! Once I ate the body then masturbated with the bones!! And half the time I awake to the sound of a woman screaming, like one of those horror movie screams where a woman is tied down and made watch the death of her infant or something! A terrible shrill that pierces through my heart and wakes me with such a fury I almost fall out of the bed. Then there are these times of the day where I space out because I can hear people talking all around me, and what infuriates (sp?) me is I cannot for the fucking life of me figure out what the hell it is they're tlaking about. Its like being in the middle of a party and not only having no one realize you're there but walking to variuos groups of people and realizing you cannot understand anything they are saying. And they are not tlaking in a different language, its just that if you group the words they are saying together they dont form sentences... What is that!?!?! And why do I hear it in the middle of the day. I hear strange things all the time!! Chains rattling, ice in a glass rattling, women crying, men speaking harshly as if they are in a dispute about politics or something... at times I feel like I am lost in my own mind.
And then theres this guy that I haven't told anyone about. This guy that keeps coming to me in my dreams and at times in my mind while I'm awake. He came to me in a dream a long long time ago and said that he was my husband in another life. He is simply gorgeous, he is slightly tan with very rough skin, as if he shaved three or four days ago but has decided he likes his look better this way. He has really grey eyes that seem to be almost silver. And this thick hair that smells of old cigar, and the look and texture can only be described as beachy tangled and moist black locks down to his shoulders. This man haunts, I dont know his name really but I call him Max. But in my heart, unbeknownced to Jesse and everyone that I love and hold dear, I am having an affair with Max. I'm literally crazy about this guy, I spend so much time talking to him in my day dreams and so much time dreaming about him and tlaking to him in crazy dreams that I am literally falling in love with this person that I fear I have created. Is that even possible, to fall deeply in love with a persona that you have created?!?! Please someone, anyone, help me before I do something stupid and elope to Vegas and claim to a random chapel that I would like to marry the man in my imagination!!!
**Edit** I know I promised Jesse I wouldn't take the pills anymore, but if I dont I wont be able to sleep, I haven't taken the in a while but its 3:15... I really need some sleep!***
Why dont people see through me? Why am I not one of those people that you can look at and regardless what they tell you, you know that something is just not right. Believe it or not I wish I were transparent... I wish i were obvious and predictable... why cant anyone around me see that I have nothing left in me anymore. That I dont want to fight anymore and that I literally feel both physically and mentally like I am swimming against a current that I am not strong enough for!? I barely have love for anything because I honestly feel so empty inside. I had an argument with my husband yesterday and he mentioned something about leaving with the baby and I told him to leave and to TAKE the baby... that he would probably be better off with him anyway. The scary part is I actually sat there trying to justify this is my head. Why do I feel like I hardly have love for my own fucking SON!! What is wrong with me?? At this point if I try to speak to anyone in my family they will just chalk it up to one of my weird obsessions...or whatever it is they think I have.
I just dont know what to do anymore or who to turn to for help. And try as he might my husband is not the one that is going to help me because he doesn't know how. I literally feel like this is beyond words already and the more I try to ignore this thing that **mind you I have no idea what "IT" is** the more I feel like its a giant that is banging down my door. I hardly sleep anymore, and if I sleep its only to dream terrible dreams of me fighting with someone until I kill them, and at times eat them even!! Once I ate the body then masturbated with the bones!! And half the time I awake to the sound of a woman screaming, like one of those horror movie screams where a woman is tied down and made watch the death of her infant or something! A terrible shrill that pierces through my heart and wakes me with such a fury I almost fall out of the bed. Then there are these times of the day where I space out because I can hear people talking all around me, and what infuriates (sp?) me is I cannot for the fucking life of me figure out what the hell it is they're tlaking about. Its like being in the middle of a party and not only having no one realize you're there but walking to variuos groups of people and realizing you cannot understand anything they are saying. And they are not tlaking in a different language, its just that if you group the words they are saying together they dont form sentences... What is that!?!?! And why do I hear it in the middle of the day. I hear strange things all the time!! Chains rattling, ice in a glass rattling, women crying, men speaking harshly as if they are in a dispute about politics or something... at times I feel like I am lost in my own mind.
And then theres this guy that I haven't told anyone about. This guy that keeps coming to me in my dreams and at times in my mind while I'm awake. He came to me in a dream a long long time ago and said that he was my husband in another life. He is simply gorgeous, he is slightly tan with very rough skin, as if he shaved three or four days ago but has decided he likes his look better this way. He has really grey eyes that seem to be almost silver. And this thick hair that smells of old cigar, and the look and texture can only be described as beachy tangled and moist black locks down to his shoulders. This man haunts, I dont know his name really but I call him Max. But in my heart, unbeknownced to Jesse and everyone that I love and hold dear, I am having an affair with Max. I'm literally crazy about this guy, I spend so much time talking to him in my day dreams and so much time dreaming about him and tlaking to him in crazy dreams that I am literally falling in love with this person that I fear I have created. Is that even possible, to fall deeply in love with a persona that you have created?!?! Please someone, anyone, help me before I do something stupid and elope to Vegas and claim to a random chapel that I would like to marry the man in my imagination!!!
**Edit** I know I promised Jesse I wouldn't take the pills anymore, but if I dont I wont be able to sleep, I haven't taken the in a while but its 3:15... I really need some sleep!***
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and i'm no psychiatrist, but maybe your psyche created max as a why to deal with everything else that's going on. you said that you feel like you don't love anyone, so you're mind has created someone for you to love.
one thing i would recommend though, is seeking professional help. as much as you don't to, or feel that they can't do anything, they know what they're doing, and will be able to help in some way.
and i sometimes wish i could go back to when i was in school. it's strange, you spend the whole of your school years hating school, but when you leave, you wish you could go back.
i hope you find some peace soon. and if you need someone to talk to i'll be around.
xo