it's hard to not listen to the voices in your head. afterall, they are always there.
my face is a mask to the feelings i hold inside. my inner doubt, self loathing, and self destructive nature tend to take hold this time of the year.
my birthday is in five days.
every time this semi-monumental event comes around, i tend to look back on my life of the past year, and i am certainly heartbroken. it seems the promise of a new year, another year, more time given to me be the almighty always results in less than i had hoped for, more heart ache, and little progression from the stagnation of my life in my short 22 years on this earth. i always believe that somehow i will be able to do better, gain more, learn something profound that will make this time of the year as happy and joyous as i wish it could be. but, inevitably, i am left with a feeling of emptiness, thoughts of disappointment constantly swimming in my mind, and it is all i can do to just go on.
and yet i do, because for some reason something in me makes me believe that the next year will be better, the next moment even will give me something to live for, something to strive for, some goal achieved, or just some happiness enough to make that moment worth the living.
in short (too late, i know): it pains me to have not had that love in my life so many others have had. no boyfriend or girlfriend to speak of. it pains me to not have changed the way i have wanted to for as long as i can remember. i am not at my ideal body wise or health wise. and seeing my mother as a constant example in my life, i fear that one day i will wake up alone and miserable, fat, ugly, and unhappy with how life has played out for me. and there will be nothing i can about it, because all has already been done.
my face is a mask to the feelings i hold inside. my inner doubt, self loathing, and self destructive nature tend to take hold this time of the year.
my birthday is in five days.
every time this semi-monumental event comes around, i tend to look back on my life of the past year, and i am certainly heartbroken. it seems the promise of a new year, another year, more time given to me be the almighty always results in less than i had hoped for, more heart ache, and little progression from the stagnation of my life in my short 22 years on this earth. i always believe that somehow i will be able to do better, gain more, learn something profound that will make this time of the year as happy and joyous as i wish it could be. but, inevitably, i am left with a feeling of emptiness, thoughts of disappointment constantly swimming in my mind, and it is all i can do to just go on.
and yet i do, because for some reason something in me makes me believe that the next year will be better, the next moment even will give me something to live for, something to strive for, some goal achieved, or just some happiness enough to make that moment worth the living.
in short (too late, i know): it pains me to have not had that love in my life so many others have had. no boyfriend or girlfriend to speak of. it pains me to not have changed the way i have wanted to for as long as i can remember. i am not at my ideal body wise or health wise. and seeing my mother as a constant example in my life, i fear that one day i will wake up alone and miserable, fat, ugly, and unhappy with how life has played out for me. and there will be nothing i can about it, because all has already been done.
cairo:
I sure can.