poemelyric

So I had the best night of my life last night (well, you can really say this morning...).

Scare was awesome. They did an acoustic set with all the songs I love. Chick was amazing. But that's not what made it the best night ever. I ran into my ex at the show. Well, I can't say that I ran into him. I was sitting at the bar and he came up behind me and yelled in my ear "What's all that shit in your face??" He scared me off my bar stool. I haven't seen him in 12 years. He looked phenomenal. I almost pee'd myself. I was just overwhelmed with emotion... I tried not to show it but I couldn't help it. He didn't even seem to notice that I had gone up 2 clothes sizes since we were together. He was so amazing.

This was the only man that I can say that I've ever been in love with. I've been obsessed with people (like my 8 year train wreck) but never truly engulfed with feeling like I was with this guy. He was my world for the year and few months that we were together. I breathed this man. But I spazzed out on him and ruined the best thing I've ever had in my life.

So he came up to me, sat down and we hung out for the whole show. My friend was hanging out by the stage and was in his own world so I got a bit of private time with him. He proved that sarcasm is still our second language... He asked the overall question of "Are you still a jealous bitch?"... I just laughed and said that the medication helps with that. He made shots at me and my reddish hair... ("You haven't outgrown that yet??"), my shoes or should I say the lack of platform shoes ("Have you gotten shorter?"), and just overall blunt questions. I tried not to act amused by all of the attention that he was lavishing on me but it was hard. I shot back some questions of my own... He still smokes Lucky Strikes. Still at 2 packs a day. I asked if he still lived at the same place.. He still lives in Allston but he moved to a bigger place 6 years ago. Still living alone... Asked him what he was reading and we still are reading the same books (that thrilled me that even after so long, we still have the same taste. He's on Baudelaire right now... I just bought "Les Fleurs du Mal" and "Mon Couer Mis a Nu" 3 months ago that I haven't started reading yet). I enquired about what he was listening too and he just shot back "Probably not the sorry crap your listening to...". I had to give him that. He asked if I was still a "Charlie" (his name for girls that like girls... He can't take all the credit for that. He got it from my favorite Urge Overkill song "Woman 2 Woman"). He asked if I got any more tattoo's and I didn't answer him. He'll freak if he sees how many I have. He's not into tattoo's even though he doesn't mind them. He's definitely not into piercings. But man, he looked so amazing. He was still trying to pull off the John Cusack look but it worked for him. He likes to think he looks like him but he looks like Ville Valo with the shaggy black hair and the medium blue eyes(that's probably why I like H.I.M. so much). He just looks so striking.

A little background on us... we met through an ad that I placed on the Boston Phoenix 12 years ago... he called up my voicemail and was amazed that a black girl actually knew and loved the early Lemonheads (he made me prove that to him on our first phone call, he made me recite most of the lyrics to the Hate Your Friends album). So we made plans and met up. I was so shocked when I saw him... I was almost certain that he would have a heart attack when he met me. I'm so overweight and he's so... not. He looked perfect. He didn't look like a guy that would be seen with me. So he had so kind of idea what I looked like so it was like five minutes before he saw me (I contemplated leaving before he saw me cause I didn't feel like being stood up or hearing the "Man, I have to leave" twenty minutes into the date) but he saw me before I had a chance to hit the door. So we had a few drinks and hung out for most of the night til I told him that it was late and I had to go to work the next morning. I was pretty sure that this guy wouldn't call me back the next day. Why would he?? But he did... and I almost had a heart attack.

Well, after that, we really hit it off. We'd hang out every other day and just messed around. He instantly became my best friend in the world. If we weren't together, we were talking on the phone. He asked me two weeks later if I was seeing someone seriously and honestly, after our two hour conversation, I didn't even check my phone messages at the Phoenix. So that's when we started going out.

But I screwed things up with my bipolar rages. I don't even remember what set me off. I just knew that what I was feeling had to end. Really, down deep I couldn't believe that a guy like him would honestly want to be with me so I think I sabotaged myself. I was constantly asking him about other women... I was so sure he was cheating with some blonde waif, I just couldn't leave it alone. But he was always the best thing in my life. He didn't mind the jealousy. He actually liked it. He's a sick man.

But we did have problems that miffed each other. He was pissed that I wouldn't move out of my parents house and get a place of my own. He thought that I was too old to be living with my parents (I was 24) but he didn't get that my parents aren't American. You don't move out of your parents house until you get married. He used to get on me about that all the time cause I had to be home by 10. I can't count how many times we'd just be laying in his bed watching TV and I just had to leave immediately to catch the last bus home. He didn't like that at all. I didn't like that he was a PDA person. I'm not a person who likes public displays of affection. He was. And I really didn't like it with him cause he was so attractive. I just didn't want people doing the "What the fuck is he doing with her??? She's a fat hag" look that people usually do. So, those were our biggest problems.

But back to the concert. I was just in the moment. I was just happy to be in his presence. So, in true Karen fashion (it was killing me to know...) I asked him if he had a whore... (that's the way that we generally talked to each other. I was dying to know). He said "Not anymore... she got pissed cause I kept paying her in pennies...". So he was single. I asked him if he was gay yet... (how could he possibly be single???) and he just laughed. But by this time, my friend had wandered over and John just instantly introduced himself and asked if he was my boyfriend. My friend just kind of laughed and said "Hell no!". John was like "So you still are a bitch!". So my friend sat down, John bought us some beers and we just hung out. John spent the better part of an hour embarrassing me in front of my friend. He asked me if I still lived with my "mommy" and I let him know that she died. He apologized (my mom loved him... my dad, not so much..) and just asked me where I was living now and I told him that I had a place of my own. He looked so shocked but pleased. He wanted to know if I had a roommate, how big was the place... blah blah blah. He said he wanted to come see it and I was like "Okay!". I was thrilled.

We hung out at the bar until after the show was over just having a few drinks. Then we just went and walked around for a while. My friend liked him and they were having a conversation about god knows what... I wasn't really listening to it. I was off in my own world.

Well, it was 1am before I knew it and I really had to be going. I had to work today so I was really anxious to leave. Not that I wasn't enjoying myself, but I had to go. My friend had today off so he didn't care. So I said I had to go (we had missed all of the buses so me and my friend had to take a cab back home... $30 of the best dollars I've ever spent) and he automatically asked me for my number and email address. I didn't argue with him. I gave him both my home and cell phone number. I was going to give him my work number but I didn't want to look desperate. I asked him for his email address and he didn't know what his work email was (he still doesn't own a home computer and sucks at computers!). So we exchange all the essential info and to make a long story short, he's coming over on Saturday to check out the apartment and to hang out. He said so and he never backs out of anything. When he says he's going to do something or that he feels strongly about something, he's 100% on it. He's good like that.

So we said our goodbyes and he said that he wants all my piercings out on Saturday (except for the tongue ring... he always liked that, ha ha ha)! I gave him a "Whatever, dude" and walked to my cab.

Now, my question is, what am I going to do with myself for the rest of the week??? I'll be on pins and needles for the next day to come! I'm just so scared of what will happen... but I'm happy that it will include him, even if we decide to be just friends only. But most of all, I'm worried that he's going to ask about why I went off on him.... I wish I really knew the answer to that... Bipolar is a strange disease. It makes you hurt the people you love. You can be the most loving person on the ultimate high one moment and just be so full of hate the next. I can't begin to count all the people I lost as friends because I went off on them. But I'm almost sure that John is going to want to have that conversation. Thank God I'm on medication that works and I haven't had any episodes in over 4 years so now everything is better but now that I am well it's just up to me to do some soul searching to find out the answer to why I did what I did.

I got to go now! It's time to pop 2 Ritalin and go to work. I hope the extra pills help... I'm exhausted! I don't think I got more than 2 hours sleep. I was to busy reliving the night. I'm sure I'll nap when I get home from work though!

Luvies....