I am currently suffering from a meloncholy that no doubt stems from the feeling that action must be taken (and a willingness to do it), but I have no real clue as to what it is (and, thus, how it is to be done).
I know that I need to move on with my life - specifically, actually having one; I know that I can only continue my current situation for a few more months at best. Perhaps I'm being swept over by the enormity of the consquences: Without me, what will become of my Grandfather? What will become of my Mom, now that my Dad finally got a job and won't be able to care for her? What will become of me - I'm only really trained in acting, all my other abilities are basically geared a being adaptable to filling niches (and with this economy only Experts seem to be getting jobs)?
All my life - yes, even my so-called childhood - I have been forced into a roll of responsibility: keeping an eye on my older siblings, helping with the emotional baggage from my mother's childhood, taking care of my Grandparents. Through it all, especially my youth, there's seemed to be very little stability that I was of my own making. Don't get me wrong, I've had oodles of support and encouragement - but any sense of security from that is undermined when you never get to feel it without it the feeling of responsibility; Even when I know it seems like unconditional love, it doesn't quite feel like it when 'Could you please?' always feels right around the corner.
So, here I am, over 31 years old with little to show for it. I have no doubt that I've been a positive influence in many lives, but somehow it seems like mine always ends up on the back burner. I feel like George Bailey, only I don't get to actually see any of the ripples I've created - my life always rolling me over into a different spot to start over from scratch. Is it any wonder why I'm hesitant to take any big risks - especially since I'm always the one left holding the safety net for others.
Further complicating the situation is the feeling that anytime I've tried to be proactive, life has slapped me on the wrist to say "No." In spite of all the possibilities I can see, I feel like an abused lab rat - eager to finish the task, but tired of getting zapped for making the wrong choice.
I try to be genuine, I try to be honest - I've even had people compliment me as such. But somehow I keep feeling like I'm a phoney, like I'm a fraud - that somehow, people aren't really seeing me. While people always seem to like having me around, it feels like they're seldom inclined to invite me to do anything. Combined with the frequent uprooting of my life, I've gotten good at making friends but never really managed to learn how to socialize beyond a rudimnetary level. It's the shapeshifter's dilemma: when you can fit in any group, when you can adapt to any situation - you can never feel like you really belong, you can never be certain of where you need to be.
I don't want to take anything from others, I know how much that hurts. I only want to be a good person, I only want to my fair share, I just want my turn.
