pixelsuicide

This is gonna be a picture free post, but it would be greatly appreciated if it was still read all the way through. It makes me feel like I have more people to talk to .

I've been desperately needing a shit ton of hugs. Everything felt like it would run smoothly and my life would finally go as planned, but no... of course not. Bad luck runs in my family. How silly of me to think otherwise.

Upon moving to Texas, I managed to nail to awesome jobs within a week. One at a lingerie factory and one with a burlesque troop. The burlesque gig was one of my dream jobs and I was so stoked, but BlueValentine felt that I wasn't committed and "not mature enough". I'm not angry any more, I just would of liked it to have been handled in a better way. To justify myself, I missed one meeting due to moving. I called a member of the group a half hour into the meeting and asked if it would be okay to make dinner for the boys first. He talked to BlueValentine and they said it would be alright. 15 minutes later, I get a call that says everyone is leaving and I missed the meeting. Even if I had left when I called, I wouldn't have made it in time. Gishimpish and I only have one car and at the time, I didn't have a phone. They were out moving things, so I couldn't make it, even though I remembered. If I ever was late, it was only by a few minutes, and I realized after the Christmas show that I might have been an hour late. That is completely understandable in my book though. There were two Caitlin's there that night, and when the email said "Ben, Caitlin, and Trevor arrive at 7", I thought it was talking about me. I was stagehanding. I didn't realize I was part of "the girls" for that show. Not to mention, they were just milling about when I got there anyway. Anyway, a huge thing for me fell through. I really wanna join another group, but they all intimidate me so much. They're all well known and have psuedofamous girls. Like... they've been in big shows.

I love my job at the lingerie factory. Technically, is a soft goods sewing house that specializes in custom order and mastectomy lingerie. We've got contracts making other items, but I really love the bra making part . For awhile, I thought I was gonna lose that job. I fought my usual problem of chronic fatigue syndrome and was out sick a few days. This really hurt working there. There was much scariness to be had. Luckily, things got worked out and I'm doing much better... aside from the depression rearing it's fat, ugly head again. I've become good friends with my boss and her mom who happens to also work at the factory. Her mom was teaching me weaving for awhile. Yet another thread working craft I like, who knew . My boss has been extremely understanding of the other shit going on in my life. The other day, one of my coworkers quit and I'm gonna miss him cause he was really nice to talk to. But my boss was upset and I was upset from other things, so we had a nice cry together. Then we enjoyed wheat free cookies that I made for her . I'd really like to open a organic bakery and tea house someday. I used to wanna own a coffee house, but I don't drink coffee anymore... I don't even like it. I figure a tea house which much better fit my standards .

My car keeps breaking down. First the brake system was rusted out and needed to be replaced; then the coolant system was rusted out and needed a new pipe. Fuck, that's a lot of money that I don't have. Gish's dad is just awesome though and let us pay for it on his card. I will pay him back, but I don't like being in debt. I saw my mom in it a lot while growing up, and it sucks and can put a lot of pressure on a person. Gish payed for the new pipe, but now I'm in debt to him too . It's not quite as big of a deal with him cause he's my boyfriend and we share money anyway, but fuck... it still bugs me.

The worst thing of all, though, is my grandpa. First off let me say Papa, Grandma, and Mom were the one's who raised me. He is my father figure, and he means a lot to me. Shortly after I moved here to Austin, Mom called and told me that doctor's found a large tumor in his stomach and a spot on his lungs. They put him an antibiotics, and thankfully, the spot turned out to just be an infection. The tumor was malignant though. After some toxicology reports, the news got even worse. At this point, my heart is already starting to break. The found out that the pains he'd been having in his back and hips for months was cancer. By the time they found it, it had spread through every bone. I'm starting to cry just writing this. Two weeks ago Monday, my grandma's birthday, Mom and I tried calling and wishing her happy birthday. Later that night, we found out that they were at the hospital. Papa had gotten ten times worse in a matter of hours. They bumped his surgery up from that weekend to the next day. [Heart breaks a little more.] Even later, my mom calls me again and says that Papa has been taken into surgery; the doctors couldn't wait any longer. After surgery, I find out that his appendix ruptured. Because he'd been in pain before, we didn't realize that this is what happened, and the infection from it had already spread through his abdomen. It was eating at the tumor, so they had to remove it and a large part of his colon leaving him with a colostomy. Then Mom told me that the doctors gave him 12-18 months to live. I lost it at this point. I couldn't stop crying at work, and I had my first actual thoughts of suicide. I've been in a depression since. Luckily, I have Gish and he's very supportive and takes good care of me.

In my head, it's like those slow anime scenes where the character is getting shot. One shot after another, and as each one hits, you see the part hit move slightly until the person falls. People who watch anime will know what I'm talking about. I've been shot so many times now, why aren't I dead yet.