pistolita

My life is stuck at a crossroads.

Let me start this blog by saying that I absolutely adore my son, and would do anything for him, including giving up all my freedoms and loves for the rest of my life if it meant it would keep him happy and healthy.

But my life is incomplete. Although this may seem impossible to most, I loved dancing. I loved preforming. I loved the rise from the crowd, the response from the bar when I'd take the stage, the quality time with the other dancers offstage, the love and friendship of the barstaff, and of course the money. Now, I know the money isn't what it used to be, with the recession and all. But that doesn't keep me from missing it.

I didn't feel talented at anything in life until I started dancing. And I don't mean.. walking on stage and taking my clothes off with a disgusted look..talent. I mean.. preformance, music, movement, color, presence, interaction, pole work, costume... talent. I loved my job. It showed. People loved to watch me. People liked the way my body expressed the music running in my veins. Now, I spend my days at home, alone with my sewing machine. Except for my son, I honestly do nothing. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I feel like I've let all the nay-sayers in my life take over and tell me what is "appropriate" and whats "not appropriate".

I'm constantly stuck between being a stripper mom, and living with the stereotypes those bestow, along with the tension from family and my boyfriend... and feeling completely lost and untalented, bored and lonely. Do I stand up for myself and say.. "fuck you world, I was born to dance, I love it and I'm proud"... or do I sit back quietly and allow the golden years of my life to pass me by wondering what could have been? I understand how my job could be hurtful to family and loved ones, but am I here to make everyone else happy? I would never want to do something that hurt my son, but I also wouldn't want it coming back to affect him later. But do I give up my life? Is that the message that I want to send to my child? "If you love to do something that most people think is weird, should you stop doing it because the majority says so?"

This blog is going no where I wanted it too. I'm puke-blogging. Just trying to regurgitate it out till I find an answer. My heart says to follow it, and my head says be a good girl.

I tried to focus my energy and time into my clothing, hoping that would bring in business, and circulate, and people would be in love with my clothing, therefore feeding my need to be involved with the outside world somehow. Well it's failed to do any of those things. So I sit... and deliberate.

This is exactly what my Medusa/Athena tattoo represents. The constant fight raging inside me. Athena representing the "strong" woman, made in the image of a man, or rather, societies patriarchal view of women and how they should be... and Medusa, the wild, untamed product of her environment thats cursed with killing everything she sees.

Do I make myself happy and suffer the consequences and hurt of those around me?

or....

Do I remain a stay at home mom and loathe each day of boredom, become jealous and spiteful at myself for not taking the opportunity for what might have been?