2005 was a year of My Chem, Bloc Party, Fiona Apple, and Fall Out Boy. Exactly in that order. OBSESSIVE. For the rest of my 2005 wrap up.. please... read on lovers.
January - A lot of personal redemption took place in this month. I was reading a lot of old Renaissance writers and really expanding my mind on a weekly basis on exactly what it meant to have friends, or be in a relationship. Only to realize that I was completely wrong about both later in life. But January was a good month of reflection. It was also the realization that I had been spending the last few months slipping into the biggest depression I've ever been through. I had no friends except my boyfriend, and I was extremely melancholy and lonely, needy and victimized myself.
February - I was extremely angry this month. Just moving through each day closer to graduation from school. My valentines' day was very anti-climactic, exactly like every other holiday this year. Although my bf of the time and I decided not to celebrate it, he brought me flowers. We were doing the "seeing eachother every few days" routine when he would drive up from Eugene. Long distance sucks cock.
March - About the time I found out I had two STD's. HOWEVER, they revoked one of them. Originally they thought I was infected with a virus, but after more testing they found out it was not true. They did however find lesions in my cervix and gave me meds and diagnosed me with probable cervical cancer. This put me into a deeper depression about my body, sexual health, general health and my relationship. It did however, push for my ex and I to talk again. And now we are friends... so I suppose there was an upside?
April - For spring break, Ryan, my ex and I drove through California on a road trip. We went to Taste of Chaos and drove through San Fran, stayed in L.A and had a fucking awesome time. Other than that, I was just getting excited about finishing school.
May - I turned 21 this year. And although I got drunk, I didn't puke. My boyfriend got more wasted than I did and started telling everyone it was his birthday. Fucker. Anyway, my parents came out to help celebrate, and that was awesome. They went around the whole night with us, drinking at every place, and then took us out to eat at 2am. My parents are fucking amazing. Met Rory that night... later to be my current boyfriend...
June - Sent in my first SG set..that later was turned down, but I'm still in love with it. Celebrated my best friend's birthday with her and her boyfriend.. who has the birthday a day after her. Crazy huh? Also the first time I'd had a crush on a boy other than my boyfriend in MONTHS. We'll get to that story later
July - The beginning of the end of the shittiest most mind fucking relationship I've ever been in.. for both of us. Ryan was in a new band, and although I thought things were fine, he had other intentions. Also the month when I really wanted people to tell me the truth about what they thought about me. I wanted people to be real.. and cut me open. I needed to figure shit out about myself. I was also slipping deeper into my depression and becoming careless with my health, and school.
August - The month everything came to a screeching hault. My senior collection was stolen, and I had to start over. Ryan broke up with me the same day. Everything fell apart. I started meds and counseling asap in August. I started fucking Craig (the guy that I felt something for). Yeah, he was pretty, and he filled the void. I had no other attachment to him. I felt nothing. I didn't want to be with him, I just wanted to fuck him. And it felt good for the time.
September - I graduated. Went home to spend some time with my parents in Montana. Had a nervous break down and just lost it. I was suicidal at this point. Heartbroken and devastated.
October - As soon as I got home from Montana in September, I had scraped rock bottom with everything. I started hanging out with Rory on a regular basis when I got back, and he became the happiest part of my day. Spending time with him made my days go faster, and I was not so miserable. I made vows of chastity. I didn't want a boyfriend, didn't want to be touched, didn't want anything from a boy. But for some reason Rory pierced right through that and became something I never saw in him before. October was extremely hard.. but my light at the end of the tunnel were my friends and Rory. And of course Fiona Apple... thank god for that cd.
November - Rory and I were full blown dating by now. I was starting to feel better after Halloween, things started feeling lighter. I got a job finally, and started on the 21st. It was life changing, but it got me a nice townhouse and a relocation to the SE. November was also a month that was really hard for me to figure out what exactly I was going to do in this relationship... something needed to change inside me so that I could make this work. A lot of questioning myself, questioning sex, questioning everything.
December - I was really doing well the first few months of december. Then I started to dip back into depression, but pulled myself out fairly quickly. The starting of the new job was stressful, and taking its toll on my relationship. By the end of this month, we'd been through a million talks. We love eachother. We love the time we spend together. We are two completely different people, but we are making it work...we just have to fix all of the fucked up paths we have taken with other relationships. Its like being blindfolded and starting over for the first time.. attempting love for the first time. It's so hard. Re-defining what it means to love and be in a relationship. Ok, gay. I know. Wah wah wah.
2006... here's to you. Lets do it better this time round.
January - A lot of personal redemption took place in this month. I was reading a lot of old Renaissance writers and really expanding my mind on a weekly basis on exactly what it meant to have friends, or be in a relationship. Only to realize that I was completely wrong about both later in life. But January was a good month of reflection. It was also the realization that I had been spending the last few months slipping into the biggest depression I've ever been through. I had no friends except my boyfriend, and I was extremely melancholy and lonely, needy and victimized myself.
February - I was extremely angry this month. Just moving through each day closer to graduation from school. My valentines' day was very anti-climactic, exactly like every other holiday this year. Although my bf of the time and I decided not to celebrate it, he brought me flowers. We were doing the "seeing eachother every few days" routine when he would drive up from Eugene. Long distance sucks cock.
March - About the time I found out I had two STD's. HOWEVER, they revoked one of them. Originally they thought I was infected with a virus, but after more testing they found out it was not true. They did however find lesions in my cervix and gave me meds and diagnosed me with probable cervical cancer. This put me into a deeper depression about my body, sexual health, general health and my relationship. It did however, push for my ex and I to talk again. And now we are friends... so I suppose there was an upside?
April - For spring break, Ryan, my ex and I drove through California on a road trip. We went to Taste of Chaos and drove through San Fran, stayed in L.A and had a fucking awesome time. Other than that, I was just getting excited about finishing school.
May - I turned 21 this year. And although I got drunk, I didn't puke. My boyfriend got more wasted than I did and started telling everyone it was his birthday. Fucker. Anyway, my parents came out to help celebrate, and that was awesome. They went around the whole night with us, drinking at every place, and then took us out to eat at 2am. My parents are fucking amazing. Met Rory that night... later to be my current boyfriend...
June - Sent in my first SG set..that later was turned down, but I'm still in love with it. Celebrated my best friend's birthday with her and her boyfriend.. who has the birthday a day after her. Crazy huh? Also the first time I'd had a crush on a boy other than my boyfriend in MONTHS. We'll get to that story later
July - The beginning of the end of the shittiest most mind fucking relationship I've ever been in.. for both of us. Ryan was in a new band, and although I thought things were fine, he had other intentions. Also the month when I really wanted people to tell me the truth about what they thought about me. I wanted people to be real.. and cut me open. I needed to figure shit out about myself. I was also slipping deeper into my depression and becoming careless with my health, and school.
August - The month everything came to a screeching hault. My senior collection was stolen, and I had to start over. Ryan broke up with me the same day. Everything fell apart. I started meds and counseling asap in August. I started fucking Craig (the guy that I felt something for). Yeah, he was pretty, and he filled the void. I had no other attachment to him. I felt nothing. I didn't want to be with him, I just wanted to fuck him. And it felt good for the time.
September - I graduated. Went home to spend some time with my parents in Montana. Had a nervous break down and just lost it. I was suicidal at this point. Heartbroken and devastated.
October - As soon as I got home from Montana in September, I had scraped rock bottom with everything. I started hanging out with Rory on a regular basis when I got back, and he became the happiest part of my day. Spending time with him made my days go faster, and I was not so miserable. I made vows of chastity. I didn't want a boyfriend, didn't want to be touched, didn't want anything from a boy. But for some reason Rory pierced right through that and became something I never saw in him before. October was extremely hard.. but my light at the end of the tunnel were my friends and Rory. And of course Fiona Apple... thank god for that cd.
November - Rory and I were full blown dating by now. I was starting to feel better after Halloween, things started feeling lighter. I got a job finally, and started on the 21st. It was life changing, but it got me a nice townhouse and a relocation to the SE. November was also a month that was really hard for me to figure out what exactly I was going to do in this relationship... something needed to change inside me so that I could make this work. A lot of questioning myself, questioning sex, questioning everything.
December - I was really doing well the first few months of december. Then I started to dip back into depression, but pulled myself out fairly quickly. The starting of the new job was stressful, and taking its toll on my relationship. By the end of this month, we'd been through a million talks. We love eachother. We love the time we spend together. We are two completely different people, but we are making it work...we just have to fix all of the fucked up paths we have taken with other relationships. Its like being blindfolded and starting over for the first time.. attempting love for the first time. It's so hard. Re-defining what it means to love and be in a relationship. Ok, gay. I know. Wah wah wah.
2006... here's to you. Lets do it better this time round.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
shawn_:
Wow!!! You changed your name again. Why ?
lucabrasi:
Name change already?