pipersparrow

Last night, as I was sitting on my bed with a summer reading book (I know, summer reading in college, whodathunk?), I heard a knock on the front door.

"Oh," I think to myself, "must be my girlfriend coming back from the gym. She said she didn't have her keys, so I'd better go let her in."

I thump down the stairs and open the door to a much-riled girl on my porch. "I'll give you one guess as to why I'm unhappy right now," she says, grinning sardonically.

"Uh oh," I say, wondering what's going on. "What happened?"

"Come closer," she beckons. "No, closer."

I don't want to come any closer, thinking she might try to scare me with something. "What is it??"

Then, just as she starts to speak, I realize why she's unhappy. "I got sprayed by a skunk!"

Oh God.

I run upstairs and do a quick Google search on skunk spray and how to get rid of it. Nearly all the articles I find are about pets being sprayed because apparently it's rare for humans to get sprayed. Huh.

Tomato juice doesn't work, contrary to popular belief. The reason people think it works is due to human olfactory fatigue. After the human nose is exposed to the skunk smell for a long time, it gets used to it and the smell of tomato is easily recognizable. So someone who'd been around the smell for a while would swear it was gone while someone who just walked on the scene would still smell skunk.

Apparently, the only way to clean the smell is to turn the molecules into other molecules. You have to actually have a chemical reaction on your skin.

I learn that the best way to get rid of the smell is a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and dish soap. So I'm off to the local White Hen to purchase said ingredients while my girlfriend sits on the front porch so she won't contaminate the apartment.

After returning from my mission, I find a large plastic tub and attempt to put water in it, only to discover that there's a rather large crack in the bottom. I tape the crack and try again. It leaks as I'm trying to get it down the stairs, and I'm deathly afraid I'll kill myself, but my girlfriend helps me.

I mix up the concoction and take it to the tiny backyard. My girlfriend strips to her boxer shorts and faces the trees while she sponges the thick stuff on her body. It's warm out, but not warm enough that being wet and mostly naked won't make you freezing cold.

She rubs the stuff on her head last, for fear the peroxide will bleach her hair if it's in there too long. I'm ready with a jug of water to rinse her off and a towel.

We dump the rest of the concoction, because if you try to store it for any length of time it 1) loses effectiveness, and 2) might explode.

She goes upstairs to shower with vinegar, another way to get rid of skunk smell, just as a double whammy. She soon emerges, smelling of body wash and shampoo, with a lingering undercurrent of vinegar.

I experimentally sniff her for the rest of the night, but it seems that we successfully cleansed the odor.