piper

hey everybody.... i know i haven't been around for awhile. the past couple of months have been pretty hard for me. my last journal entry i know was weak, but it was the only thing i could think of during that fucked up time i could write about. i hate writing journals that are always sad and depressing, and i've been trying to be more up beat. but at that time everything was spinning out of control. so after this entry i'm keeping the drama and bullshit to myself. so to get to the point, let me just run through the last couple of months. first, as you all know my grandmother had brain and lung cancer. i took over the job of taking care of her, which wasn't that bad at the beginning. but very quickly that changed and she needed 24 hour care. which took a very heavy toll on me. if you haven't taken care of somebody like that before, there is no way you can understand what i mean. i came to my breaking point on a couple of different times, but there was no way i could have walked away from it, i was the only one she had. so i sucked it up and did what i had to do for her. towards the end the cancer made it so she couldn't speak, walk, eat, anything by herself. it was very hard to watch her body shut down on her, i spent many nigths awake trying to cope with it all. one good thing thou is that i was able to finally get her into hospice, which was very good for everybody, but she didn't spend long there. the week before she died everything seemed good still, i remember walking into the place and noticed she wasn't in bed but instead she was doing arts and craft with the other people and she smiled at me when she saw me, i spent a few hours with her that day. the next week she showed no emotion when i came in to her room, a day or two after i got a call from hospice saying that she was showing signs of passing. so i had my boyfriend pick me up and we went down there. it was very surreal, the moment i walked into the room and looked at her, a nurse came in and called the time of death. i spent the next hour breaking the news to the rest of my family. some were angry, others very quite, they were all pretty heart broken. but as for me, i was numb so i went to the bar and drank till i could sleep that night. which was no easy task, the whole night kept playing over in my head. that was a month and a half ago, in those weeks i had some family come down, which was hard to do because i mourn by myself, i didn't need them. sure maybe i was a comfront to them but i knew at least one, the one that thanked me to high heaven that i took care of her, was the one that called everybody else to tell them how bad of a job i was doing. i think out of everything that happened that was the worst. and i will shed no tears for them when they finally go. i guess the only good thing that happened from all of this is that my grandmother and i got pretty close(we weren't at all before), she didn't want anybody else at her side but me. and i know for a fact that i did a damn good job of taking care of her, i have no regrets what so ever. so yeah thats why i haven't posted anything new till now. i've been on the website a lot i just haven't been able to write this til now. besides that everything is pretty much back to normal, i've been working a lot and trying to tattoo in my off time. also i'm still trying to get off this damn island.