LONG ASS ENTRY reguarding me and Tony's fucked up situation
**quick edit** I really needed to get some things out---I don't want this to seem all "poor me". I'm just emotionally fucked right now, and need a place to put it down and get it out of my head.
The shit hit the fan. You would think that I would have learned a lesson from some of my past journal entries. Kind of like the one where I said Tony's wife found some of my stuff at their house.........
I was going to stay strong, and be good, and not go back over there. I didn't want to have shit happen this way. As much as I say that, I'm weak. I packed clothes and took them with me to work, just in case. Well, he had planted the idea of a hotel room in my head too, so I would have been prepared for that. He said he wanted to kidnap me, which means take me back to his place. I was excited, because I absolutely adore him, and I love spending time with him. I always feel so damn safe with him. I didn't once think of this happening.
Its like a really bad movie, or a nightmare, that just keeps playing in your head. It was Monday morning, after work....and we had to work again that night. So we went to his place, showered, talked, cuddled for quite some time. It could have been perfect. Around 3:30 I got the rudest awakening of my life, and I will never forget the way I felt for those first 10 minutes.
BANG! (door slamming open)
"YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD! YOU ARE SO BUSTED, YOU CHEATING MOTHER FUCKER! WHO THE FUCK IS SHE? WHY THE FUCK IS SHE IN MY BED? YOU STUPID WHORE, YOU JUST COST HIM HIS DAUGHTER, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"
meanwhile Tony is screaming at her to get the fuck out of his house before he calls the cops, and I'm trying to disappear into the bed. I had absolutely NOWHERE to go. Then she rips off the sheets....to find both of us completely without clothing. She reaches around the corner, still screaming, grabs a picture frame of his daughter, hurls it at the bed....it hits the side rail, shattering, all over him and the bed. I HAULED ASS (naked ass) to the bathroom and shut myself in, almost puking all over the floor as I did it. He got her out of the bedroom, while they continue to have a screaming match of "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS? DOESN'T THAT STUPID WHORE KNOW WE'RE STILL FUCKING MARRIED?" and "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!" I'm tossing on clothes in the bathroom, trying not to get sick, and eeking out some hardly recognizeable crying noises. It was my worst nightmare come true. Tony made sure I was ok, told me to calm down, I may have been hyperventilating or something close to it, I was fucked up at that point.
She finally calmed down a bit....and decided she wanted to talk to me. I think she wanted to get a good look at me to see if I could kick her ass or not. She got all sweet and innocent, saying she didn't blame me, she blamed Tony, she was sorry to have ripped the covers off, sorry to throw the picture frame, etc etc. Maybe the fact that I'm bigger than her and have lots of tattoos made her reconsider what she had said about me. Whatever it was, she then decided she wanted information from me. She also decided she wanted to steer me away from him. He went outside to smoke (yes, that pissed me off, because he left me ALONE with his psychotic wife, but then again, if he didn't calm down, he may have done something stupid. He is a gun owner, and he was pretty fucking pissed) She started telling me all kinds of shit, about how he has been telling her he loves her and wants to work it out, that they had sex just last week when she was over there (which I think is a straight up lie, cause she was on the rag when she was over there, he's a guy living on his own, with a small trash can....I know) I just wanted her to shut the hell up and leave me alone. I ended up going outside for a while, sitting on the ground. She of course came out and started talking again. I took a bit of a walk....down the drive, to the road, talked to my friend Sara on the phone, told her that I had no idea what to do at that point in time, as I didn't have my car, so I couldn't leave on my own accord.
When I went back up to sit on the porch, she started with the phone calls....calling everyone Tony knew to tell them that he is a "lying, cheating bastard" and that she caught him with some whore from work. She called his friend at work, his brother, his father, his mother, and his 3 best friends outside of work. I've met all his friends and his brother, its his mom and dad I'm worried about. According to Tony his whole family hates her. Thats not the way she made it sound on the phone, but I'll just have to wait and see I guess.
SHE FINALLY FUCKING LEFT, but not before talking to me yet again, telling me how horrible he was, he never wanted to see his daughter (which I think is a lie, he lives for that little girl), he never gives her any money (yet they still have a joint account), and that he has, and I quote, "mental problems". Yet she still felt the need to tell me to stay the fuck away from her husband, and she knew it would be hard, us working together and all, but he is still married, and I need to stay the hell away from him because they were trying to work things out.
When she was finally gone, he came outside with me,....I cried and cried. I had been so numb for the almost 2 hours she was there (she started gathering up some shit while she was there too) that I couldn't do anything but sit. I finally had emotion when she was gone. I felt like fucking dirt. I fucked up his life, I fucked up her life, I fucked up their daughter's life, I was the lowest piece of shit to exist at that point. He tried to console me, but I still felt ill...empty...and like there was a knot the size of a bowling ball in my stomach. He and I talked for a while, he held me, reassured me that they were over, he didn't know why she would say all that shit other than because she still wanted to be with him. When we got to work I felt a tad bit better....but I was in such a pissy mood, and I got a shitty job for the 3rd day in a row, I almost up and left work. I almost threw paper across the room, almost walked out,..........but instead I bitched to the supervisor that I could no longer do the job, cause it was too heavy and it was my 3rd day on it, so he moved me. I got to talk to Tony finally around like 2:30 or so, and we were alright.
I made him stay and talk to me in the parking lot after work. I told him that if he wants to go back to her, he needs to fucking do it now, and spare me the added insult of dragging me through more shit. We talked about him moving out of his house, getting an apartment somewhere, packing his shit....Then he got really sad on me, we talked about him being unhappy with her. He could barely find it in himself to tell me, but she tore up a picture of him and his daughter. It was a picture from shortly after Kayla was born, he was holding her up like a proud dad, and his wife tore Kayla out of the picture. Tony was angry cause she tore out his daughter, and he was angry cause he said thats one of the few pictures he has where he actually looks happy. He cried, and it broke my freakin' heart. It absolutely makes my heart ache to see him that sad. He talked about the picture she threw at him too, cause after the frame broke, she took the photo that was in it, of his daughter sitting next to a photo of him in his Marine uniform--again he cried, and I just held him as tight as I could. He deserves to be treated so much better than that. I think he has a heart of gold, he would do anything for his friends or family, and he has treated me better than anyone has ever treated me. He cried again when he said he's so scared of losing me, that me and his little girl are the only things in his life that truely make him happy, and he's scared of losing both.
I swear I love him so much.
**Additional edit** the bitch called Cincinnati Bell and got all the phone #'s that he's called recently, got his friends' numbers and my number-she's been calling me all day long. Left me voicemails calling me a whore, telling me she needs to talk to her husband, she knows I'm with him (which I WASN'T, I was trying to SLEEP). etc etc. Everytime she calls my phone I feel ill. She stopped leaving voicemails finally, I guess cause I never responded or reacted to the ones she left me. My sister wants to kick her ass. She said she'd answer one of the private calls if I want her to. I love my sister.
**quick edit** I really needed to get some things out---I don't want this to seem all "poor me". I'm just emotionally fucked right now, and need a place to put it down and get it out of my head.
The shit hit the fan. You would think that I would have learned a lesson from some of my past journal entries. Kind of like the one where I said Tony's wife found some of my stuff at their house.........
I was going to stay strong, and be good, and not go back over there. I didn't want to have shit happen this way. As much as I say that, I'm weak. I packed clothes and took them with me to work, just in case. Well, he had planted the idea of a hotel room in my head too, so I would have been prepared for that. He said he wanted to kidnap me, which means take me back to his place. I was excited, because I absolutely adore him, and I love spending time with him. I always feel so damn safe with him. I didn't once think of this happening.
Its like a really bad movie, or a nightmare, that just keeps playing in your head. It was Monday morning, after work....and we had to work again that night. So we went to his place, showered, talked, cuddled for quite some time. It could have been perfect. Around 3:30 I got the rudest awakening of my life, and I will never forget the way I felt for those first 10 minutes.
BANG! (door slamming open)
"YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD! YOU ARE SO BUSTED, YOU CHEATING MOTHER FUCKER! WHO THE FUCK IS SHE? WHY THE FUCK IS SHE IN MY BED? YOU STUPID WHORE, YOU JUST COST HIM HIS DAUGHTER, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"
meanwhile Tony is screaming at her to get the fuck out of his house before he calls the cops, and I'm trying to disappear into the bed. I had absolutely NOWHERE to go. Then she rips off the sheets....to find both of us completely without clothing. She reaches around the corner, still screaming, grabs a picture frame of his daughter, hurls it at the bed....it hits the side rail, shattering, all over him and the bed. I HAULED ASS (naked ass) to the bathroom and shut myself in, almost puking all over the floor as I did it. He got her out of the bedroom, while they continue to have a screaming match of "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS? DOESN'T THAT STUPID WHORE KNOW WE'RE STILL FUCKING MARRIED?" and "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!" I'm tossing on clothes in the bathroom, trying not to get sick, and eeking out some hardly recognizeable crying noises. It was my worst nightmare come true. Tony made sure I was ok, told me to calm down, I may have been hyperventilating or something close to it, I was fucked up at that point.
She finally calmed down a bit....and decided she wanted to talk to me. I think she wanted to get a good look at me to see if I could kick her ass or not. She got all sweet and innocent, saying she didn't blame me, she blamed Tony, she was sorry to have ripped the covers off, sorry to throw the picture frame, etc etc. Maybe the fact that I'm bigger than her and have lots of tattoos made her reconsider what she had said about me. Whatever it was, she then decided she wanted information from me. She also decided she wanted to steer me away from him. He went outside to smoke (yes, that pissed me off, because he left me ALONE with his psychotic wife, but then again, if he didn't calm down, he may have done something stupid. He is a gun owner, and he was pretty fucking pissed) She started telling me all kinds of shit, about how he has been telling her he loves her and wants to work it out, that they had sex just last week when she was over there (which I think is a straight up lie, cause she was on the rag when she was over there, he's a guy living on his own, with a small trash can....I know) I just wanted her to shut the hell up and leave me alone. I ended up going outside for a while, sitting on the ground. She of course came out and started talking again. I took a bit of a walk....down the drive, to the road, talked to my friend Sara on the phone, told her that I had no idea what to do at that point in time, as I didn't have my car, so I couldn't leave on my own accord.
When I went back up to sit on the porch, she started with the phone calls....calling everyone Tony knew to tell them that he is a "lying, cheating bastard" and that she caught him with some whore from work. She called his friend at work, his brother, his father, his mother, and his 3 best friends outside of work. I've met all his friends and his brother, its his mom and dad I'm worried about. According to Tony his whole family hates her. Thats not the way she made it sound on the phone, but I'll just have to wait and see I guess.
SHE FINALLY FUCKING LEFT, but not before talking to me yet again, telling me how horrible he was, he never wanted to see his daughter (which I think is a lie, he lives for that little girl), he never gives her any money (yet they still have a joint account), and that he has, and I quote, "mental problems". Yet she still felt the need to tell me to stay the fuck away from her husband, and she knew it would be hard, us working together and all, but he is still married, and I need to stay the hell away from him because they were trying to work things out.
When she was finally gone, he came outside with me,....I cried and cried. I had been so numb for the almost 2 hours she was there (she started gathering up some shit while she was there too) that I couldn't do anything but sit. I finally had emotion when she was gone. I felt like fucking dirt. I fucked up his life, I fucked up her life, I fucked up their daughter's life, I was the lowest piece of shit to exist at that point. He tried to console me, but I still felt ill...empty...and like there was a knot the size of a bowling ball in my stomach. He and I talked for a while, he held me, reassured me that they were over, he didn't know why she would say all that shit other than because she still wanted to be with him. When we got to work I felt a tad bit better....but I was in such a pissy mood, and I got a shitty job for the 3rd day in a row, I almost up and left work. I almost threw paper across the room, almost walked out,..........but instead I bitched to the supervisor that I could no longer do the job, cause it was too heavy and it was my 3rd day on it, so he moved me. I got to talk to Tony finally around like 2:30 or so, and we were alright.
I made him stay and talk to me in the parking lot after work. I told him that if he wants to go back to her, he needs to fucking do it now, and spare me the added insult of dragging me through more shit. We talked about him moving out of his house, getting an apartment somewhere, packing his shit....Then he got really sad on me, we talked about him being unhappy with her. He could barely find it in himself to tell me, but she tore up a picture of him and his daughter. It was a picture from shortly after Kayla was born, he was holding her up like a proud dad, and his wife tore Kayla out of the picture. Tony was angry cause she tore out his daughter, and he was angry cause he said thats one of the few pictures he has where he actually looks happy. He cried, and it broke my freakin' heart. It absolutely makes my heart ache to see him that sad. He talked about the picture she threw at him too, cause after the frame broke, she took the photo that was in it, of his daughter sitting next to a photo of him in his Marine uniform--again he cried, and I just held him as tight as I could. He deserves to be treated so much better than that. I think he has a heart of gold, he would do anything for his friends or family, and he has treated me better than anyone has ever treated me. He cried again when he said he's so scared of losing me, that me and his little girl are the only things in his life that truely make him happy, and he's scared of losing both.
I swear I love him so much.
**Additional edit** the bitch called Cincinnati Bell and got all the phone #'s that he's called recently, got his friends' numbers and my number-she's been calling me all day long. Left me voicemails calling me a whore, telling me she needs to talk to her husband, she knows I'm with him (which I WASN'T, I was trying to SLEEP). etc etc. Everytime she calls my phone I feel ill. She stopped leaving voicemails finally, I guess cause I never responded or reacted to the ones she left me. My sister wants to kick her ass. She said she'd answer one of the private calls if I want her to. I love my sister.
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As for my entry, it's all about sex, but the metaphor is so very interwoven that I think you probably would have had to been there to understand it all.