First off, this is an extra-long post.
ok.....I have no voice left, and that sucks. People need to stop trying to have actual conversations with me, cause when they say "What?" repeatedly and I have to repeat myself over and over and over, I get IRRITATED! lol
I think a lot of the lack of voice comes from my drunken Friday morning--I will elaborate a bit. When I said I had some "therapy" from my friends/co-workers---I cried at the bar. The broken heart finally bled. I was to the point I couldn't stand it, and I just cried. I was comforted by several, and then felt stupid after crying in public. Then, on the way home, I flipped out. I drove myself home, and just started screaming at the top of my lungs, how much I hate him, how I never wanted to see him again, and why couldn't God just do me a favor and kill me at that very moment? Yes, it was a very bad morning for me.
After some analyzation of myself, I think the problem I was having was the fact that I drove him away. Yes, I was angry, but I covered all my feelings up with anger and hate. I tried to convince myself that I did not care--yet I did. Almost everyone in his life gives him shit. Its like he surrounds himself with people that bring him down. And I became one of those people by giving him hell, telling him I wasted my time, he was a worthless fuck, etc etc. I really thought he never wanted to speak to me again. And that is what has been eating at me, and killing me.
When I first began talking to him, back in July, I dedicated a song called "God Bless the Broken Road" to him. At the time, I felt it described how things were going for me. I had quit a long time job, turned down the job at Hennegan twice, then decided to work there for 3 months until my best friend graduated, so that we could move to California. When all those plans fell apart, and I was upset with my life, he and I began a relationship that made me intensely happy. I felt that if all these other things had fallen into place just a tad differently, I would never have had the opportunity to date him. Therefore, that was my song to him.
Everytime I decide that I'm done with him, or that I'm fed up and never want to speak to him again---there it is. I flip the radio station, and there it is. Friday night, after my intense screaming match with my car earlier that day, I get in the car, and as I pull away from my house, there it is. "God Bless the Broken Road". And I flip it off, because it made me mad. But then I reconsider, and I go back to it. And yes, it made me sad. But I still love the song, and I'm still thankful that I had such a great experience in dating him.
I showed up at work, and who do they schedule to work with my ex other than my best friend at work. The guy who knows every damn emotion I've felt over that boy since the beginning of the relationship. The supervisors hardly ever schedule my friend to work over there. So why that night? Why, after such an emotional morning, incredible breakdown, loss of hope? On every break that night, my friend and I talked--and we texted a bit during work as well, discussing things. He believed that Tony and I needed to talk. We needed to clear the air, end the tension that we deal with every day at work. And I wanted to, so so bad, but I was afraid that Tony would not want to. Turns out, he was saying the exact same thing.
At 7 AM, he met me at my car. We talked for an hour, in the cold ass parking lot. As soon as he walked over to my car, and I looked him in the face for the first time since the day I ended it with him, I smiled. I knew it would happen. I cannot look the boy in the eye without getting a goofy grin. He's still going through a lot. He explained some things to me, reguarding different aspects of where he's at right now, in the situation. Why he's scared. Why he feels stuck. Why he feels that people manipulate him.
I miss talking to him. I want to be his friend. That is that. And I think that I can be his friend. I want to be one of the few people in his life who doesn't fuck him over, and who is there for him. I can listen. I can laugh, and joke, and hopefully at least help him forget all the drama while he is at work. Because that is what friends do.
I feel very relieved. I am so glad that he doesn't hate me. I can start this year new and fresh, with no drama. I am going to try and keep it that way!!
Quick note----
He and I are not back together right now. We are on speaking terms. At least that is how I am taking the situation. Nothing more, nothing less. I would like to be his friend if nothing else.
Sure, I can say that someday I would love to be back in the position I was when I first met him, when I was crazy in love. But it is utterly impossible right now. I am just happy that there will no longer be such incredible tension at work everyday, where I feel stretched to the point of breaking.
ok.....I have no voice left, and that sucks. People need to stop trying to have actual conversations with me, cause when they say "What?" repeatedly and I have to repeat myself over and over and over, I get IRRITATED! lol
I think a lot of the lack of voice comes from my drunken Friday morning--I will elaborate a bit. When I said I had some "therapy" from my friends/co-workers---I cried at the bar. The broken heart finally bled. I was to the point I couldn't stand it, and I just cried. I was comforted by several, and then felt stupid after crying in public. Then, on the way home, I flipped out. I drove myself home, and just started screaming at the top of my lungs, how much I hate him, how I never wanted to see him again, and why couldn't God just do me a favor and kill me at that very moment? Yes, it was a very bad morning for me.
After some analyzation of myself, I think the problem I was having was the fact that I drove him away. Yes, I was angry, but I covered all my feelings up with anger and hate. I tried to convince myself that I did not care--yet I did. Almost everyone in his life gives him shit. Its like he surrounds himself with people that bring him down. And I became one of those people by giving him hell, telling him I wasted my time, he was a worthless fuck, etc etc. I really thought he never wanted to speak to me again. And that is what has been eating at me, and killing me.
When I first began talking to him, back in July, I dedicated a song called "God Bless the Broken Road" to him. At the time, I felt it described how things were going for me. I had quit a long time job, turned down the job at Hennegan twice, then decided to work there for 3 months until my best friend graduated, so that we could move to California. When all those plans fell apart, and I was upset with my life, he and I began a relationship that made me intensely happy. I felt that if all these other things had fallen into place just a tad differently, I would never have had the opportunity to date him. Therefore, that was my song to him.
Everytime I decide that I'm done with him, or that I'm fed up and never want to speak to him again---there it is. I flip the radio station, and there it is. Friday night, after my intense screaming match with my car earlier that day, I get in the car, and as I pull away from my house, there it is. "God Bless the Broken Road". And I flip it off, because it made me mad. But then I reconsider, and I go back to it. And yes, it made me sad. But I still love the song, and I'm still thankful that I had such a great experience in dating him.
I showed up at work, and who do they schedule to work with my ex other than my best friend at work. The guy who knows every damn emotion I've felt over that boy since the beginning of the relationship. The supervisors hardly ever schedule my friend to work over there. So why that night? Why, after such an emotional morning, incredible breakdown, loss of hope? On every break that night, my friend and I talked--and we texted a bit during work as well, discussing things. He believed that Tony and I needed to talk. We needed to clear the air, end the tension that we deal with every day at work. And I wanted to, so so bad, but I was afraid that Tony would not want to. Turns out, he was saying the exact same thing.
At 7 AM, he met me at my car. We talked for an hour, in the cold ass parking lot. As soon as he walked over to my car, and I looked him in the face for the first time since the day I ended it with him, I smiled. I knew it would happen. I cannot look the boy in the eye without getting a goofy grin. He's still going through a lot. He explained some things to me, reguarding different aspects of where he's at right now, in the situation. Why he's scared. Why he feels stuck. Why he feels that people manipulate him.
I miss talking to him. I want to be his friend. That is that. And I think that I can be his friend. I want to be one of the few people in his life who doesn't fuck him over, and who is there for him. I can listen. I can laugh, and joke, and hopefully at least help him forget all the drama while he is at work. Because that is what friends do.
I feel very relieved. I am so glad that he doesn't hate me. I can start this year new and fresh, with no drama. I am going to try and keep it that way!!
Quick note----
He and I are not back together right now. We are on speaking terms. At least that is how I am taking the situation. Nothing more, nothing less. I would like to be his friend if nothing else.
Sure, I can say that someday I would love to be back in the position I was when I first met him, when I was crazy in love. But it is utterly impossible right now. I am just happy that there will no longer be such incredible tension at work everyday, where I feel stretched to the point of breaking.
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and i apologize for my selfishness & trying to take advantage of your vulnerability, im really not like that. im sorry i was such an asshole to you at a time in your life when you really didnt need that. no more though! im happy with just being friends & hanging out possibly every now & then!
well then, you must try to work things out then. whatever it takes, i mean from some of the things you've already been thru i know you're super strong individual. sure it may take lots of work from the both of you & time, but im sure the end result will be worth all the sacrifice. i wish ya luck & hope this situation with your boy works out. doesnt love just suck sometimes?
I'm very glad that things are looking up for you.
Good luck!