pillasco

Well... Thanksgiving was boring but ok

I think I realized I'm next in line to get married. Which is REALLY ironic (well maybe only one person may see the irony).

I looked around and all my cousins have kids... and are married. Even my sister is married. I was the baby and everyone is married haha so it was bound to come down to me. But yeah... there is one other hold out actually... but he's on my dad's side of the family. Which matters oddly.

My aunt asked me if I planned on getting married soon... haha I kinda mentioned I have to find someone that wants to marry me first. She was like "ohhh I'm sure there are plenty of girls that would love to marry you!"... to which I replied "umm... no"

Marriage and kids don't scare me. I know that Ill make a good husband and father. I dont even mind doing that sooner than later if I find the right person. But finding that someone that loves me and that I love enough to spend the rest of my life with.... well... not as easy as walking out the door haha.

Either I find a person I want to be with... and they don't want the same thing as me when I want it... or someone believes they found me and I don't want what they want.

I know if I find someone and they let me... I'll make them the happiest person ever... heh but that person has to let me... I've come to realize that is a hard thing to do... it always seems like you have to give something up or be flexible. Being flexible is HARD... even if you want to be... sometimes you don't feel you should have to.

Relationships are about being able to love someone enough to do what is needed to make the other person happy at least that has always been my opinion... but that is a really hard thing to do... because what makes the other person happy doesn't always make you happy... but it's a give and take thing... hopefully the person you're with sees it that way.

Someone once told me they were afraid they would find love... get married... and then they would lose it. I don't know how someone can live that way... I'm about as serious as a person as they come... I plan everything... I get stressed about everything... I mean... everything haha. But... if I love someone... I cannot do anything but hope things will turn out... and we'll be together. I am not completely oblivious to reality... but you can't just hide from your feelings. You can't guard yourself... and look for excuses to not make things work or be easier or block the progress of things JUST because youre afraid (especially if you love the person).

Life is scary... relationships and love are apart of life... being scared is natural. If you weren't scared than I would be worried... but you can't just let fear get away of things... you just have to overcome it and do what is best for you. This applies to me when it comes to certain things too.

Haha... why the fuck did my aunt make me think about all this?! hahaha

Bah I guess Ive been thinking a lot about my shortcomings when it comes to how I do relationships well actually life in general. I didnt need this mental catalyst.

Haha Im really not that serious about things right now really I can just get in one of these mindsets for a little bit and I start writing. Im actually happy where I am in life. School is almost over I have a good chance to get into med school I love someone very much and she loves me my family is well there have been a few setbacks but small ones.

My future seems like it is going to be good. The little bit of drama Ive gone through has increased my understanding of myself and concreted my feelings about certain things. So yeah You probably wont see any more posts about all this relationship stuff. Ive taken someones advice and decided to just relax. Heh Of course you must understand that relax me is very similar to tense me when it comes to certain things haha so dont think Im changing dramatically