i flutter between feeling so close to perfect that i cannot help but smile at my reflection in every mirror i pass by, and complete and utter sadness. how can i feel sad on a glorious morning like this?
sometimes i feel like i've made peace with things, with my losses, with being alone. and then, i remember and i feel hopelessly tied to moments that will never be recreated. right now i'm in the process of trying to let go. it's a lot like grieving. a bit tougher, actually, because the person you're grieving is not gone forever but very much around. just without you. sometimes this is me, sometimes not.
all i can do is understand. and i do and i do and i do. i cannot, however, turn off feeling. and so it hurts. i wish it was easier for me to leave the past in the past and remember happily. and i do remember. it's just an aching rememberence, a rememberence with intense longing. that's not fair. i know it. i guess i am selfish.
is it too fresh? maybe. but more than that, it's a memory of a time and place where i was closer to finding myself (oh how cheese!) or at least finding my pace, my rhythm. i felt beautiful and perfect. i believed others who believed in me, thus i believed in myself. i don't know. perhaps i'm overthinking things. i do that often.
but there's a part of me that knows i'm fading. both here and there. and i cannot come to grips with that. i feel myself sliding back to the old tedium, the numbness that came so close to destroying my body, but especially my mind. this scares me. but more than that, it scares me that i'm so dependant on a particular time and place and people to make me believe in myself and to see me as perfect. why can't i feel that all the time? i guess no one can, really.
and i know this is a huge period of transition for me. the things i've felt and done... they were leaps in my otherwise numbed life. so kudos to me, i guess, and everyone else who witnessed and struggled me through it.
it's a fresh start is what this is. so there's no need to drag 6 weeks into it, no matter how amazing they were. i won't. i'm really looking forward to school and moving and restarting. i don't want to "[live] on my memories like a cheap has been" (winterson). look at that. citing and everything.
it'll be fierce. but it will be.
~a.
so what's next? fling it at me.
sometimes i feel like i've made peace with things, with my losses, with being alone. and then, i remember and i feel hopelessly tied to moments that will never be recreated. right now i'm in the process of trying to let go. it's a lot like grieving. a bit tougher, actually, because the person you're grieving is not gone forever but very much around. just without you. sometimes this is me, sometimes not.
all i can do is understand. and i do and i do and i do. i cannot, however, turn off feeling. and so it hurts. i wish it was easier for me to leave the past in the past and remember happily. and i do remember. it's just an aching rememberence, a rememberence with intense longing. that's not fair. i know it. i guess i am selfish.
is it too fresh? maybe. but more than that, it's a memory of a time and place where i was closer to finding myself (oh how cheese!) or at least finding my pace, my rhythm. i felt beautiful and perfect. i believed others who believed in me, thus i believed in myself. i don't know. perhaps i'm overthinking things. i do that often.
but there's a part of me that knows i'm fading. both here and there. and i cannot come to grips with that. i feel myself sliding back to the old tedium, the numbness that came so close to destroying my body, but especially my mind. this scares me. but more than that, it scares me that i'm so dependant on a particular time and place and people to make me believe in myself and to see me as perfect. why can't i feel that all the time? i guess no one can, really.
and i know this is a huge period of transition for me. the things i've felt and done... they were leaps in my otherwise numbed life. so kudos to me, i guess, and everyone else who witnessed and struggled me through it.
it's a fresh start is what this is. so there's no need to drag 6 weeks into it, no matter how amazing they were. i won't. i'm really looking forward to school and moving and restarting. i don't want to "[live] on my memories like a cheap has been" (winterson). look at that. citing and everything.
it'll be fierce. but it will be.
~a.
so what's next? fling it at me.
eurisko:
hooray for being the first poster. you sound to be going thru a lot of stuff i have been. well not exactly, but reaction wise. i feel like i have something just eating away at me, but i cant grasp what. i know its a number of things, i just cant seem to identify what exactly. and its been just driving me crazy. its like i have a hunger i cant seem to fill. so maybe thats not quite the same not that i think about it. but you are a great writer