pigletx69

So, I've been doing alot of thinking lately. And I had a really good idea planned out for a long and heart felt journal entry. Then it just all went away. I think it's because I've been doing TOO much thinking lately. I'm always just wondering about things.....ALL the time. Is that normal? I often sit at work and wonder if anyone else thinks as much as I do. I've been thinking so much lately that it's actually hurt my brain I believe. I even had to take some advil to make it go away. But ya. Sometimes I think about how my life could be different if I had only just made slightly different choices. Then I wonder why I've made the choices that I have. And I wonder if I'm actually happy with how my life is now. And I honestly don't know the answer to that question. If I could go back in time, is there anything specific I'd change? I can think of a few things I'd like to change. But then, where would those changes bring me? Would YOU change anything if you could go back? Or are our lives this way for a reason? Almost "fate" like?
People often wonder why I always look so lost and clueless. It's most likely because I've been too busy thinking to pay attention to what they were saying to me in the first place. My only problem is that I think ALOT......BUT I can never express things properly. I'll think things in my head over and over and figure out the perfect way to say things or explain things. But then when it actually comes down to doing it, I can never do it. I wish I could just plug people into my brain....so they can see what I see and how I think about things and they can see how I want to say things to them but I don't know how.
Another thing I've been thinking and wondering about lately is this. Do you think it's possible to be totally happy with someone, yet still love someone else? I'm sorta 50/50 on this topic. In one sense, I think "Hell ya you can." Because really, you care for the person you're with, but you love or loved that other person for different reasons. And even if they do everything EXACTLY the same as the other person (which would just be a creepy thought in itself there)....it's not the same. Because they're different people. And you love people for different reasons and what not right?
On the other hand, if you're with someone else......is it really fair to them if you're not in it 100% ? What if they care for you with all their heart and soul.....and you can only love them with like 95% of yours? Do you think it'd be fair to the other person to tell them that you'll always love someone else in your life? Or would that just cause problems? Make them not trust you because they'll think you really actually want to be with that other person? I just don't know. I love many many people in my life. Some in a friendly way, some in a "I'd die for you in a minute" kind of way. But are both those things considered ways of loving someone? Maybe it's not love after all. Maybe I've never actually known what love is? How would I know the difference? Everyone experiences love in different ways, so it's not like someone would be able to explain it to me. Because How can you explain love to someone? It's something you have to experience. But...how do we know? I'll never stop thinking. I'll never stop analyzing. It's just who I am. It's what I do. People tell me to stop over analyzing things. But that would mean I'd have to stop being me. Is that fair of someone to ask ? I'd feel better about most over analyzing situations if I could just ask that person what was on my mind. But I can never find the words. If only everyone around me knew how much I actually think about things. They think I'm so quiet and don't really speak my mind. Maybe I'm just afraid to express any sort of feelings or thoughts or emotions? I am. I'm afraid. Of what? I'm not sure. I'm probably afraid people won't like me. I'm probably afraid I'll get hurt again. But if I don't move on then all I'll do is think. And wonder. What if I had moved on and taken a chance? Would I be happy? So that is what I shall do from now on. I'll keep thinking. I'll keep risking. I'll keep putting my heart and mind out on the line. And if I get hurt.....then so be it. Maybe it's fate. I think I should shut up now. I wonder if maybe I should have never said anything at all?
I wonder.......



*edited to add* Don't get me wrong. I'm not doubting anything in my life right now. I'm happy with the boy and all. I just think too much.