http://joshrollinswrites.com/scheduling-relationships-five-steps/
As modern professionals, work often gets more of our time and energy than significant others. If monogamous couples struggle to keep a working relationship even in a live-in situation, for non-monogamists, finding the time for everyone can border the impossible. For me, the solution to this problem is scheduling. In my opinion there’s no other way: if you want functional relationships with more than one person, the sooner you learn to schedule, the sooner your relationships will start to work.
At first look, scheduling intimate time sounds sad and artificial. Penciling your loved ones into your week like a phone call with a client doesn’t sound too romantic. However, over the years I realized I could always take out the wine and dim the lights, but first I had to have enough time to do so. Being spontaneous is good until you realize you haven’t been intimate with your partner for almost a month. As you ease into the habit of scheduling, you will also find opportunities to plan exciting new things – the kind that keeps your relationships fun and alive.
My system is described below. I broke it to five steps, which you might find it a bit overwhelming. No problem. What works for me may or may not work for you; relationships come in many shapes and forms. Look at the steps as guidelines, not rules set in stone. Hopefully, you will find them useful.
Step 1: Quantity
The first thing to consider is how much time you have in general. This might be tricky, so remember – this doesn’t have to be a hard line. I find that defining a “zone” between minimum and maximum works fine. Think of your free time in hours, and get a general idea. Other relationship-specific considerations may apply: how long does it take you to open up to each other each time? Is there a “defrosting” period? Is there a certain routine you like to do together that takes time? Consider these when planning ahead.
Step 2: Frequency
Frequency is not quantity. Say you have 6 weekly hours with a partner; how many “doses” of this together-time does it split into? Are you the three times a week, two hours each time kind of person, or are you more into spending the 6 hours at once including a sleepover? Don’t forget that you also need time for yourself. Again, this is an estimate. If you planned to see each other twice a week and you only managed once, It’s not the end of the world; just do what you can to prevent this from happening too often and try to get back to the “default frequency” you decided on.
Step 3: Balance your time between partners
Spreading exact amount of time portions between your partners is probably never going to happen. A good rule of thumb is to pay attention to your feelings: do you miss one of your partners? Do you feel you spent too much time with one over the other? Try to minimize these feelings as best as you can.
While some people have a primary and a secondary relationships, My personal experience showed me that these are at higher risk of friction. (There’s a reason the third person in such relationships is often called a “unicorn”). Without balancing your time between your partners, what you’re basically doing is telling one person they are not as worthy of your time as the other. Again, in some cases this might be acceptable. Your call.
Step 4: Plan in advance
I can’t stress this enough: plan your week in advance. Even if you’re not sure, even if you only make temporary plans, have at least some sense of what’s coming up. I send both my partners an email with general plans for the coming week. It is usually a simple bullet-point list of what I’m doing each day and what days I want to see who. When they reply, we have a better idea of what’s going on in the coming week, which tends to make things run better overall. Even though these plans are mostly suggestions, the email is helpful because:
- It reminds me (and them) what’s going with us in general.
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It allows us to plan for something we all want to do.
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It gives me a quick glimpse of how I’m dividing my time between my partners and I.
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The back-and-forth email is a good way to start the week officially (think open and honest communication).
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I like bullet points.
Step 5: Use a calendar
This is where I get a bit technical: do yourself a favor, and use Google Calendar. The fact remains that Google Calendar is probably the most commonly used calendar. It works anywhere. I set up mine so my partners can see my plans and modify events I scheduled with them. I schedule everything on my calendar and send invites to my partners. This last step might be too much for you, but I like the extra security in knowing there’s no way I’ll forget something planned a few days back. Additionally, the calendar includes directions if we are to meet somewhere, and additional details for notes or links to related information, if there’s need.
The benefit of the calendar doubles when your partners share the calendar back with you: Now you can see when they work, have a class, or meet with a friend. This comes in handy when you want to plan things out without half-an-hour conversations revolving around “maybe at…” “oh if you can’t…” “how about…” “yeah, but…”
Note: my partners and I don’t have much to keep from each other on our calendars, but your case might be different. You can set your privacy settings on Google Calendar to your comfort level. For example, you can arrange for your partner to only see events marked as “busy” without any details. Respect your partners privacy, and make sure they respect yours!
Bonus: Hang out together
After almost three years, both of my partners are good friends, which makes hanging out together easy and fun. While this is not a luxury every polyamorous relationship can enjoy, mutual respect between everyone should be a requirement . Hanging out together it is a huge logistical help. You might not be able to be as intimate (again, depending on your relationship), but at least you will see each other, hang out, and hopefully have a good time. One of the things I enjoy doing now and then is meet both my partners and hang out, and then have an additional 1:1 with each one later in the week.
Conclusion
Each relationship is different, and as I said already, what works for me doesn’t have to work for you. Use common sense and remember that if you like being a scheduling-geeking machine (…guilty), it doesn’t necessarily mean your partners are.