Hmm. A rather lengthy span of no updates for me. How odd.
And then again, not.
Its beautiful out there. Beachy, peachy, and as of 11:47 pm last night, its officially summer.
I suddenly remembered as I was falling asleep last night that I had come up with a cool idea for the SGBC crew to get involved in this year and now its pretty much too late:
June 21st, being the summer solstice, I imagined a large group of us getting together and collecting the ingredients to make a very real, traditional, organic mead. Like some recipe from 1569 or something. Wed do it all pagan like, with a strong appreciation for the summer that is coming our way, and then it would sit for the next 6 months to ferment.
Then, on the darkest and shortest day of the year December 21st -- the winter solstice, the same crew would all get together again and crack it open for comsumption. I thought it was a good idea, but it is one that requires more prep than thinking about it on the morning of. Therefore, I guess it will have to wait until next year. Yes, shit. Its way too late. Alas, it was a good idea.
In other news, Ive been in a bit of a conundrum. I look at Morgan sometimes and I get so upset over what I perceived to be a complete abandonment of him from she-who-used-to-be-referred-to-as-her-but-then-just-got-called-R, hes getting old fast it seems.
I have always believed that the shit I went through over the winter dealing with her consistent anger and disrespect towards me. Hell I cant even really talk about. Those were some pretty fucking bleak months and it took a deeper inner strength than I even knew I had in order to maintain the level of respect and compassion I maintained towards her.
Before I broke up with her, she would always say that if I ever did break up with her that she would never be able to see me again. She wouldnt be able to be in my life in any way. I guess that is what she was pushing for perhaps hoping that I would eventually force that for her and make that call. I never did though, so she did it herself.
Well Ive despised that decision of hers ever since. I totally lost respect for her due to her inability to maintain her responsibility towards Morgan, and I was shocked and deadened by her ability to be so cruel and cold in so many other ways.
Well, its now been almost 7 months since Morgan saw her last. 7 months since the last nasty dog exchange, and almost a year since the breakup. Whatever her problem was, perhaps its been long enough now for her to have gotten over whatever it was she was reeling from, whatever it was that was behind such a lengthy attack towards me.
Well, last Wednesday night, I sat here looking at Morgan as he slept beside me, and I was thinking about the fact that he probably doesnt have another year in him. Great danes are a very sad breed that way, and he is thus far waaaay past the supposed expiry. Hes been in a bit of a decline over the last few months, and I couldnt break past the thought that perhaps that was partly due to a depression that I see in him because of his inability to see the pack that he grew up with. (her and the cats). There will come a day, and perhaps sooner than I could imagine, where its simply no longer possible for her to see him, and everybody would regret that.
I realized that she would probably never break the silence and request to see him, a pride thing. As angry as I had been, it was still incredibly unfair for him to not be able to see the woman that was his mom for the first 9 years of his 10 year life. I stepped through, and wrote a very short email to her.
I know things are awkward and strange.
I really want for Morgan to see you though, and for you to see Morgan.
Can we please try to work something out for that? He's not the same, and we can't play with time.
I thought that for sure, after this period of time, that she would have had a chance to live a little, to think a little, and to certainly get over whatever it was that was behind that violent onslaught she seemed to need to bring my way. Whatever was behind that strange power struggle she thought was going on, I thought would probably have abated by now and she would be able to rise to a level of maturity to come to a point where she could see him without all that other crap thrown in. I chanced it.
Seemed like a perfectly logical thought at the time. 7 months should really be a long time, and there was obviously some serious issues behind her actions back then last fall. Shes had plenty of time to live, plenty of time to think, and plenty of time to get over whatever it was she was going through.
Well, I got home on Friday night, and found a response in my email inbox from her.
I dont particularly feel comfortable quoting her private emails to me anymore. Back last fall I have to admit that I was almost mortally crushed by that scenario that had encompassed my every waking breath, and this site was instrumental in my survival. Yeah, I know, that probably sounds a bit extreme, but well it is what it is, and this little window was my therapy and my saviour. I had just lost absolutely everybody I had ever known in a very short period of time there, and I found myself in a very strange position of being completely alone. It was a tough place to be in, and this site was my private solace. I had no problems putting out to this small cross section of the world what exactly was going on inside my little fish bowl here, but something has changed there, and I wont anymore. Not strictly out of respect for her privacy, because I cant quite understand where I have any respect left for her at all, but that is certainly a part of it.
To sum it up her response was exactly the same as it was in October, November, December etc. She hasnt grown up or out of this one bit. She did say that yes, she wanted to see Morgan, but then she continued on with Things are not awkward or strange; however, if visitation is going to work this time I want to keep our communication level to an absolute minimum. By this I mean we have no need to communicate other than the subject of Morgan, so let's keep it simple. As I've previously said I do not need or want any information regarding your personal or work life.
Sigh.
Fer christs sake. I just wanted her to see the dog. That was all. I got SO sick of all of the crap related specifically to comments like the above -- her juvenile need to throw in rules. We (I thought) were two rational adults. Thats it, I walk up to hand off the leash, and if she decided at that point in time to want to go into some long diatribe about stuff that was unresolved, then at that point I could say:
hey, look. This is just about Morgan being able to see you ok? I dont think now is the time to really get into anything about that. and we could leave it at that for now. Same thing would go for her. please grow up. (originally, I said "fucking grow up", but that seemed a bit harsh there.)
Basically, the point to this diatribe is this:.
Conundrum. I really wanted Morgan to be able to see her again, I wanted him to be able to hang out with the cats again, I wanted him to at least be able to sense that his pack was still around. I hate the fact that he is alone here all day long while I am putting in these long shifts, and now that Nemos gone, he has gone from 4 cats to zero when hes home here alone. I just wanted him to be able to live the last little bit of his life with the creatures around him that he lived his whole life with. I wanted the situation to be a situation where she was finally mature enough to step up and deal with this as a rational adult, to be able to face the responsibilities that we both signed on for when we got this dog. To be able to walk up and take the leash from me without him vibing in on some strange and violent hatred, I didn't want him to be put into a situation where he could clue in on "bad things", because he really does. When we used to get into arguements here when we lived together, Morgan would start to shake and tremble with his ears back and head hung low long before our voices were even starting to raise. He's very intuitive and sensitive that way, and I do not want to put him through that again.
Obviously, that does not include games like the above.
However, hes an intuitive animal, and I think the depths of darkness I found myself living through in my shock to being treated so badly last year affected him. When I would walk up to hand off the leash, and she would glare that stare of hatred at me before ripping the leash from my hand to drag him quickly off in the opposite direction he wasnt oblivious to that. it depressed him.
It also depressed him when she wouldnt make herself available to see him for weeks on end, hed get used to seeing her at least once a week, and then shed simply disappear until a moment came where it was convenient for her to see him. He wasnt oblivious to that, and it made me wonder back then if it would be better than he just never saw her at all instead of once a month or whatever.
Well, maybe just MAYBE, hes not used to her anymore. MAYBE hes finally forgotten about her. I dont know.. but if he has, the last thing I want to do is re-introduce him to the shite that was going on between her and I last year.
And truthfully, if she is still stuck in this need to hate, I dont want to re-introduce myself back into it. I thought there was a chance that she had somehow grown through it, come around the other side. I am only recently starting to see the bright lights flickering in my peripheral, and the last thing I want or need is to bring that black hole back into my universe. I was pretty sure that by now shed be out of the need to be so, but seemingly not. If she needs to hate so badly, so be it, but hate on without me as your immediate target.
I havent responded at all to that email yet. I dont really know what I am going to do either way.
Yeah, theres a huge possibility of her hitting this site to see if I am going to have something to say about all of this... but whatever. I stopped caring about that a while ago. That particular jpg is long gone.
What would YOU do?
And then again, not.
Its beautiful out there. Beachy, peachy, and as of 11:47 pm last night, its officially summer.
I suddenly remembered as I was falling asleep last night that I had come up with a cool idea for the SGBC crew to get involved in this year and now its pretty much too late:
June 21st, being the summer solstice, I imagined a large group of us getting together and collecting the ingredients to make a very real, traditional, organic mead. Like some recipe from 1569 or something. Wed do it all pagan like, with a strong appreciation for the summer that is coming our way, and then it would sit for the next 6 months to ferment.
Then, on the darkest and shortest day of the year December 21st -- the winter solstice, the same crew would all get together again and crack it open for comsumption. I thought it was a good idea, but it is one that requires more prep than thinking about it on the morning of. Therefore, I guess it will have to wait until next year. Yes, shit. Its way too late. Alas, it was a good idea.
In other news, Ive been in a bit of a conundrum. I look at Morgan sometimes and I get so upset over what I perceived to be a complete abandonment of him from she-who-used-to-be-referred-to-as-her-but-then-just-got-called-R, hes getting old fast it seems.
I have always believed that the shit I went through over the winter dealing with her consistent anger and disrespect towards me. Hell I cant even really talk about. Those were some pretty fucking bleak months and it took a deeper inner strength than I even knew I had in order to maintain the level of respect and compassion I maintained towards her.
Before I broke up with her, she would always say that if I ever did break up with her that she would never be able to see me again. She wouldnt be able to be in my life in any way. I guess that is what she was pushing for perhaps hoping that I would eventually force that for her and make that call. I never did though, so she did it herself.
Well Ive despised that decision of hers ever since. I totally lost respect for her due to her inability to maintain her responsibility towards Morgan, and I was shocked and deadened by her ability to be so cruel and cold in so many other ways.
Well, its now been almost 7 months since Morgan saw her last. 7 months since the last nasty dog exchange, and almost a year since the breakup. Whatever her problem was, perhaps its been long enough now for her to have gotten over whatever it was she was reeling from, whatever it was that was behind such a lengthy attack towards me.
Well, last Wednesday night, I sat here looking at Morgan as he slept beside me, and I was thinking about the fact that he probably doesnt have another year in him. Great danes are a very sad breed that way, and he is thus far waaaay past the supposed expiry. Hes been in a bit of a decline over the last few months, and I couldnt break past the thought that perhaps that was partly due to a depression that I see in him because of his inability to see the pack that he grew up with. (her and the cats). There will come a day, and perhaps sooner than I could imagine, where its simply no longer possible for her to see him, and everybody would regret that.
I realized that she would probably never break the silence and request to see him, a pride thing. As angry as I had been, it was still incredibly unfair for him to not be able to see the woman that was his mom for the first 9 years of his 10 year life. I stepped through, and wrote a very short email to her.
I know things are awkward and strange.
I really want for Morgan to see you though, and for you to see Morgan.
Can we please try to work something out for that? He's not the same, and we can't play with time.
I thought that for sure, after this period of time, that she would have had a chance to live a little, to think a little, and to certainly get over whatever it was that was behind that violent onslaught she seemed to need to bring my way. Whatever was behind that strange power struggle she thought was going on, I thought would probably have abated by now and she would be able to rise to a level of maturity to come to a point where she could see him without all that other crap thrown in. I chanced it.
Seemed like a perfectly logical thought at the time. 7 months should really be a long time, and there was obviously some serious issues behind her actions back then last fall. Shes had plenty of time to live, plenty of time to think, and plenty of time to get over whatever it was she was going through.
Well, I got home on Friday night, and found a response in my email inbox from her.
I dont particularly feel comfortable quoting her private emails to me anymore. Back last fall I have to admit that I was almost mortally crushed by that scenario that had encompassed my every waking breath, and this site was instrumental in my survival. Yeah, I know, that probably sounds a bit extreme, but well it is what it is, and this little window was my therapy and my saviour. I had just lost absolutely everybody I had ever known in a very short period of time there, and I found myself in a very strange position of being completely alone. It was a tough place to be in, and this site was my private solace. I had no problems putting out to this small cross section of the world what exactly was going on inside my little fish bowl here, but something has changed there, and I wont anymore. Not strictly out of respect for her privacy, because I cant quite understand where I have any respect left for her at all, but that is certainly a part of it.
To sum it up her response was exactly the same as it was in October, November, December etc. She hasnt grown up or out of this one bit. She did say that yes, she wanted to see Morgan, but then she continued on with Things are not awkward or strange; however, if visitation is going to work this time I want to keep our communication level to an absolute minimum. By this I mean we have no need to communicate other than the subject of Morgan, so let's keep it simple. As I've previously said I do not need or want any information regarding your personal or work life.
Sigh.
Fer christs sake. I just wanted her to see the dog. That was all. I got SO sick of all of the crap related specifically to comments like the above -- her juvenile need to throw in rules. We (I thought) were two rational adults. Thats it, I walk up to hand off the leash, and if she decided at that point in time to want to go into some long diatribe about stuff that was unresolved, then at that point I could say:
hey, look. This is just about Morgan being able to see you ok? I dont think now is the time to really get into anything about that. and we could leave it at that for now. Same thing would go for her. please grow up. (originally, I said "fucking grow up", but that seemed a bit harsh there.)
Basically, the point to this diatribe is this:.
Conundrum. I really wanted Morgan to be able to see her again, I wanted him to be able to hang out with the cats again, I wanted him to at least be able to sense that his pack was still around. I hate the fact that he is alone here all day long while I am putting in these long shifts, and now that Nemos gone, he has gone from 4 cats to zero when hes home here alone. I just wanted him to be able to live the last little bit of his life with the creatures around him that he lived his whole life with. I wanted the situation to be a situation where she was finally mature enough to step up and deal with this as a rational adult, to be able to face the responsibilities that we both signed on for when we got this dog. To be able to walk up and take the leash from me without him vibing in on some strange and violent hatred, I didn't want him to be put into a situation where he could clue in on "bad things", because he really does. When we used to get into arguements here when we lived together, Morgan would start to shake and tremble with his ears back and head hung low long before our voices were even starting to raise. He's very intuitive and sensitive that way, and I do not want to put him through that again.
Obviously, that does not include games like the above.
However, hes an intuitive animal, and I think the depths of darkness I found myself living through in my shock to being treated so badly last year affected him. When I would walk up to hand off the leash, and she would glare that stare of hatred at me before ripping the leash from my hand to drag him quickly off in the opposite direction he wasnt oblivious to that. it depressed him.
It also depressed him when she wouldnt make herself available to see him for weeks on end, hed get used to seeing her at least once a week, and then shed simply disappear until a moment came where it was convenient for her to see him. He wasnt oblivious to that, and it made me wonder back then if it would be better than he just never saw her at all instead of once a month or whatever.
Well, maybe just MAYBE, hes not used to her anymore. MAYBE hes finally forgotten about her. I dont know.. but if he has, the last thing I want to do is re-introduce him to the shite that was going on between her and I last year.
And truthfully, if she is still stuck in this need to hate, I dont want to re-introduce myself back into it. I thought there was a chance that she had somehow grown through it, come around the other side. I am only recently starting to see the bright lights flickering in my peripheral, and the last thing I want or need is to bring that black hole back into my universe. I was pretty sure that by now shed be out of the need to be so, but seemingly not. If she needs to hate so badly, so be it, but hate on without me as your immediate target.
I havent responded at all to that email yet. I dont really know what I am going to do either way.
Yeah, theres a huge possibility of her hitting this site to see if I am going to have something to say about all of this... but whatever. I stopped caring about that a while ago. That particular jpg is long gone.
What would YOU do?
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
angelvanilla:
Update Party Info STUFF
thora:
Funniest post EVER! And yes, it's car insurance.