6 days, 8 hours, 23 minutes and 56 seconds smoke free.
159 cigarettes not smoked.
Eventually (and soon) a day will come when a day by day count down no longer really matters but for now its still seeming to be important and its still buggin me that its one day behind my own count.
Dammit, I stopped smoking on Thursday night last week. Sure sure if you wanna get technical, it was Friday morning at 1:30 am, but then I went to sleep and woke up without smoking. I call that a sleep and that makes this day SEVEN not six. Bastards.
I dreamed dreams last night. I forget all of them except for a little snippet of one of them: I was trying to convince Keith ( a guy I work with) to not start smoking again. Hed quit for almost a week and announced today that he decided to quit quitting.
I took him aside and asked him why:
cuz I dont feel like quitting anymore. He said.
ok, well why did you quit in the first place? I asked.
felt like it at the time. Now I dont. he replied.
I was trying to get him to really look at his own reasons again, but it was obvious he had blocked out any logic.
there had to be more to it than just that, what about the health reasons? what about how much you were spending on it?
obviously that was just me thinking in my sleep. I can remember other times I quit and sometime into the first week or so, I seem to have been able to justify having just one Im conscious of that this time, and Im watching for it.
__________________________________________________
Whats been your biggest health scare ever? Have you ever realized that you were close to death?
Did it change anything?
I think that if I were to die today in some freak accident and supposing I had a few moments to lay there alive and able to speak for a couple of minutes -- what if nobody was there to hear my last words?
Wouldnt that suck?
You always see those scenes in the movies and there is ALWAYS somebody to relay the dying persons last words. But in reality, I bet that quite often the dying person is just layin there alone goin well fuck. Here I am gonna die, and I dont even have a stick or sand to scratch in. at least I could be bleeding or something so I could scrawl something in blood, but nope. This is it. Just gonna fade off here and eventually somebody is going to have to go and clean my kitchen, probably eat the last of my pickles and flip through my porn before throwing it all out with my sun bleached family photos."
I think that if that were to happen to me today, I would be most upset in some afterlife if there is one. Id be really upset that I wasnt able to communicate that one last time.
I would have liked to have relayed to that one person who was obviously most important in my life that it truly was a real Love from me, perhaps in some trippy hippy way it still is.....
--All I wanted was for us to be happy, her to be happy and that I have been dreadfully and secretly sorry for all the bad stuff that we did to each other over the years, and that I hoped that she could one day understand that my decision to let her go really was based on that Love, and that Id still look out for her if I could, floatin around out there in the ether.
Id want her to know that I really did Love her in the truest sense of the word, but that we just seemed incapable of getting through some of the stuff we ended up throwing in front of our paths over the years and that I found that really unfortunate.
Id hope she understood that I thought we both needed to go through our own stuff out there, without that co-dependent crutch of the other.
It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life thus far, and if I didnt love her it would have been a simple one.
But if I were to find myself laying somewhere dying alone with nobody to take my last words down, well, that would mean that I would be dead tomorrow, and still dead the day after that. Most likely still dead next week, and I wonder if she would regret the way she allowed herself to react over these last 6 months.
I dont see much of a difference between what I did that day after wreck beach, and her own infidelity
(well, thats actually not true I think she was emotionally involved with that guy which I do find to be quite a bit more threatening and devastating than my own fleeting stupid carnal indiscretion with some woman whose name I have forgotten.)
The only really big difference is that I have had 6 years to get over it since the day I found out. She's probably only had a few months, and I wasn't given the opportunity to be the one to have told her. I would have liked to have had that opportunity.
--I'd want to tell her that I regretted not having her as a friend, that I always wanted her as a friend, and that I thought it was unfair that she never told me why she didn't want me as a friend. Unfair to have treated me so. Unfair to have been so influential in the disappearance of my friends and family.
Id want her to strive for pure honesty with whoever she ends up with in the future just as I would have if I would have lived. Little white lies in a relationship become cancerous over time, and eventually even the pure truth isnt trusted.
I guess Id want her to know that even with all the nasty shit that she threw my way since the breakup, that I was still trying to understand her position, and there was still compassion there for her process.
The other thing that I would say is that to all of you people on my friends list here, thank you!
This site had a strange ability to pull me through some pretty harsh shit there for a while when I was so totally alone. That was a very strange place to have found myself in, and thanks guys. I can't word that one.
And even if I did die today in some freak accident.. dont go:
Oh my god! He KNEW he was going to die! Thats why he wrote that! because even if I woke up today thinking that today was the day I was going to die, I would never really believe that. Nobody would ever really believe that.
159 cigarettes not smoked.
Eventually (and soon) a day will come when a day by day count down no longer really matters but for now its still seeming to be important and its still buggin me that its one day behind my own count.
Dammit, I stopped smoking on Thursday night last week. Sure sure if you wanna get technical, it was Friday morning at 1:30 am, but then I went to sleep and woke up without smoking. I call that a sleep and that makes this day SEVEN not six. Bastards.
I dreamed dreams last night. I forget all of them except for a little snippet of one of them: I was trying to convince Keith ( a guy I work with) to not start smoking again. Hed quit for almost a week and announced today that he decided to quit quitting.
I took him aside and asked him why:
cuz I dont feel like quitting anymore. He said.
ok, well why did you quit in the first place? I asked.
felt like it at the time. Now I dont. he replied.
I was trying to get him to really look at his own reasons again, but it was obvious he had blocked out any logic.
there had to be more to it than just that, what about the health reasons? what about how much you were spending on it?
obviously that was just me thinking in my sleep. I can remember other times I quit and sometime into the first week or so, I seem to have been able to justify having just one Im conscious of that this time, and Im watching for it.
__________________________________________________
Whats been your biggest health scare ever? Have you ever realized that you were close to death?
Did it change anything?
I think that if I were to die today in some freak accident and supposing I had a few moments to lay there alive and able to speak for a couple of minutes -- what if nobody was there to hear my last words?
Wouldnt that suck?
You always see those scenes in the movies and there is ALWAYS somebody to relay the dying persons last words. But in reality, I bet that quite often the dying person is just layin there alone goin well fuck. Here I am gonna die, and I dont even have a stick or sand to scratch in. at least I could be bleeding or something so I could scrawl something in blood, but nope. This is it. Just gonna fade off here and eventually somebody is going to have to go and clean my kitchen, probably eat the last of my pickles and flip through my porn before throwing it all out with my sun bleached family photos."
I think that if that were to happen to me today, I would be most upset in some afterlife if there is one. Id be really upset that I wasnt able to communicate that one last time.
I would have liked to have relayed to that one person who was obviously most important in my life that it truly was a real Love from me, perhaps in some trippy hippy way it still is.....
--All I wanted was for us to be happy, her to be happy and that I have been dreadfully and secretly sorry for all the bad stuff that we did to each other over the years, and that I hoped that she could one day understand that my decision to let her go really was based on that Love, and that Id still look out for her if I could, floatin around out there in the ether.
Id want her to know that I really did Love her in the truest sense of the word, but that we just seemed incapable of getting through some of the stuff we ended up throwing in front of our paths over the years and that I found that really unfortunate.
Id hope she understood that I thought we both needed to go through our own stuff out there, without that co-dependent crutch of the other.
It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life thus far, and if I didnt love her it would have been a simple one.
But if I were to find myself laying somewhere dying alone with nobody to take my last words down, well, that would mean that I would be dead tomorrow, and still dead the day after that. Most likely still dead next week, and I wonder if she would regret the way she allowed herself to react over these last 6 months.
I dont see much of a difference between what I did that day after wreck beach, and her own infidelity
(well, thats actually not true I think she was emotionally involved with that guy which I do find to be quite a bit more threatening and devastating than my own fleeting stupid carnal indiscretion with some woman whose name I have forgotten.)
The only really big difference is that I have had 6 years to get over it since the day I found out. She's probably only had a few months, and I wasn't given the opportunity to be the one to have told her. I would have liked to have had that opportunity.
--I'd want to tell her that I regretted not having her as a friend, that I always wanted her as a friend, and that I thought it was unfair that she never told me why she didn't want me as a friend. Unfair to have treated me so. Unfair to have been so influential in the disappearance of my friends and family.
Id want her to strive for pure honesty with whoever she ends up with in the future just as I would have if I would have lived. Little white lies in a relationship become cancerous over time, and eventually even the pure truth isnt trusted.
I guess Id want her to know that even with all the nasty shit that she threw my way since the breakup, that I was still trying to understand her position, and there was still compassion there for her process.
The other thing that I would say is that to all of you people on my friends list here, thank you!
This site had a strange ability to pull me through some pretty harsh shit there for a while when I was so totally alone. That was a very strange place to have found myself in, and thanks guys. I can't word that one.
And even if I did die today in some freak accident.. dont go:
Oh my god! He KNEW he was going to die! Thats why he wrote that! because even if I woke up today thinking that today was the day I was going to die, I would never really believe that. Nobody would ever really believe that.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
im jealous as fuck.......go yourself my man!!