Didnt really elaborate on that boot to the head thing.
Back in 92, the night before I finally flew back home to Canada, I went to go see Daisy Chainsaw play in London. I was somewhat innocently infatuated with her, and of course I had to be in the pit for the entire gig. I took a Doc Martin to the skull in a poorly executed stage dive by some drunken skin. Split my eyebrow right open and gave me a black eye. I forgot about that wound, but for some reason it has re-awoken today and its flaring.
Ok, what was I saying about treating myself better this week again?.......
Something about how I recognized that I threw myself into a state of overwork and escapism last week, and that that was a bad thing?
Well, I just got home from work a little while ago a 13 hour day, but I feel great.
No really.
I was driving back to the apartment here in one of our big white work vans with no windows, and I actually had a bit of a smile on my face. It was just a little bit after 9:30pm, and then some lame FM station started to play some lame song by some lame singer about being 15 once or something and I actually turned it way up because it was supposed to be a sad song but it made me smile even more. The chord progression of the song seemed to chime with my own state, and even though I seem to live my life in D-minor, or sometimes some completely terrible transgression off of an A-minor with one string tuned way out, I just felt good.
I hammered at the stuff that is what I do for a living today, and it was completely stressful in a way that I have thus far not experienced stress in my work life. This is that same place I was working back in November the pneumonia place the place where I put in that one 36 hour shift that day, The same place I was at for those 42 hours in the last 3 days of last week, but today I think I finally finished it!!!!
I feel like I took it beyond finished though, I was finally left to my own accord to just keep doin my thing, much like StrongMad drawing a dragon, and driving down Thurlow tonight, that was the smile on my face while I cranked the sad songs.
Im not blind to the fact that I told myself on Sunday that I would NOT allow myself to keep doing that I would NOT throw myself into a frenzy of work to hide from whats really going on, but damn this feels good.
I made a point today of making sure I was able to deal with the Morgster first though. I left the office and swung by the apartment here just after 6:00 pm. Came inside to find him not greeting me, but looking rather sheepish in the bedroom.
I think of 'R' at times like that and fight off the disappointment.
I swept up the kitchen garbage that he had strewn over the livingroom floor in protest, and leashed him up for a good long walk before I jumped back in that van to head to the display centre. Hes never sheepish for long though. (and here is where I sidestep some stupid comment about the wolf in sheeps clothing.). Once I got him down the stairs, hed forgotten his shame over the failed redecorating attempt and I guess that was a smile if danes can smile.
Anyways.. I still have that work thing goin on, and I think I may still have that escapism behind it.
Thats probably still not good.
Im not blameless in this.
As far as the last 6 months are concerned, I have done everything right. I have put an almost inhuman amount of work into doing the right thing, and for that this reaction that I have been trying to deal with is insane.
But I have a theory, and its one I dont even want to approach because its something I have been trying to bury for a really long time. Something happened that I thought was a secret. Perhaps it no longer is, and if its not. It goes to explain a lot.
Even saying that much breaks a shell here, and thats all I can say for now. Maybe Ill eventually elaborate, but for now I am simply in a frantic state of shoveling fresh dirt over the sick bony knuckles that have been clawing to the surface.
Fucking zombies.
Back in 92, the night before I finally flew back home to Canada, I went to go see Daisy Chainsaw play in London. I was somewhat innocently infatuated with her, and of course I had to be in the pit for the entire gig. I took a Doc Martin to the skull in a poorly executed stage dive by some drunken skin. Split my eyebrow right open and gave me a black eye. I forgot about that wound, but for some reason it has re-awoken today and its flaring.
Ok, what was I saying about treating myself better this week again?.......
Something about how I recognized that I threw myself into a state of overwork and escapism last week, and that that was a bad thing?
Well, I just got home from work a little while ago a 13 hour day, but I feel great.
No really.
I was driving back to the apartment here in one of our big white work vans with no windows, and I actually had a bit of a smile on my face. It was just a little bit after 9:30pm, and then some lame FM station started to play some lame song by some lame singer about being 15 once or something and I actually turned it way up because it was supposed to be a sad song but it made me smile even more. The chord progression of the song seemed to chime with my own state, and even though I seem to live my life in D-minor, or sometimes some completely terrible transgression off of an A-minor with one string tuned way out, I just felt good.
I hammered at the stuff that is what I do for a living today, and it was completely stressful in a way that I have thus far not experienced stress in my work life. This is that same place I was working back in November the pneumonia place the place where I put in that one 36 hour shift that day, The same place I was at for those 42 hours in the last 3 days of last week, but today I think I finally finished it!!!!
I feel like I took it beyond finished though, I was finally left to my own accord to just keep doin my thing, much like StrongMad drawing a dragon, and driving down Thurlow tonight, that was the smile on my face while I cranked the sad songs.
Im not blind to the fact that I told myself on Sunday that I would NOT allow myself to keep doing that I would NOT throw myself into a frenzy of work to hide from whats really going on, but damn this feels good.
I made a point today of making sure I was able to deal with the Morgster first though. I left the office and swung by the apartment here just after 6:00 pm. Came inside to find him not greeting me, but looking rather sheepish in the bedroom.
I think of 'R' at times like that and fight off the disappointment.
I swept up the kitchen garbage that he had strewn over the livingroom floor in protest, and leashed him up for a good long walk before I jumped back in that van to head to the display centre. Hes never sheepish for long though. (and here is where I sidestep some stupid comment about the wolf in sheeps clothing.). Once I got him down the stairs, hed forgotten his shame over the failed redecorating attempt and I guess that was a smile if danes can smile.
Anyways.. I still have that work thing goin on, and I think I may still have that escapism behind it.
Thats probably still not good.
Im not blameless in this.
As far as the last 6 months are concerned, I have done everything right. I have put an almost inhuman amount of work into doing the right thing, and for that this reaction that I have been trying to deal with is insane.
But I have a theory, and its one I dont even want to approach because its something I have been trying to bury for a really long time. Something happened that I thought was a secret. Perhaps it no longer is, and if its not. It goes to explain a lot.
Even saying that much breaks a shell here, and thats all I can say for now. Maybe Ill eventually elaborate, but for now I am simply in a frantic state of shoveling fresh dirt over the sick bony knuckles that have been clawing to the surface.
Fucking zombies.
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Tuesday I had Mushroom and Ham Cream Penne at Henry's Kitchen.