pica_pica

Today is a day to be more practical with your actions, dear Pisces. Solidify your purpose and try not to get swayed off course by other people's objectives. Be conscious of how you spend your energy. The key to making this day successful is maintaining a realistic attitude about everything that you need to accomplish. This may be hard to do considering your dreamy, laid-back attitude, but for certain, you need to bring things back down to earth.

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What bizarre dreams last night. I wake today feeling really muddyblooded and stiff, fuzzy, shaky. I am going to have to make a point of treating myself a lot better this week. I can see a little clearer now how last week I allowed myself to be thrown into a vortex of work and escapism, obviously in an attempt to hide from this reality.

Down at the beach, R was there, angry and resentful, saying words that were meant to cut.
Looking out at the incoming waves from behind the windows of the beach caf we sat in, we could see that the next set of waves were coming in higher than the last. Higher, apparently, than the top of the window sill. She panicked and ran out of the caf, that fear of water thing. I tried to calm her, to explain that it was an illusion and that we were still safe but she was gone.

When I walked outside, a large flock of seagulls flew over and dive bombed me and the group of strangers I was walking with. I could feel the white shit dripping off my head, and my black boots were dalmationed. I walked into the ocean to wash it all off.

I guess I dont do well without a real closure. An honest resolution. This is so unreal to me and yes I am and have been trying to just accept it as what it has become. My advice to me if I was a friend of mine would be
Jeez dude, forget about it. Move on.

My response to him would be
Move on, I have Forgetting about it fully and honestly? That seems like its going to take some additional work.

Even the moving on part feels somewhat false. Almost like I am truckin, movin on, but I have a fishhook embedded in the back of my skull attached to an bungie cord which is anchored blocks behind me to a tombstone covered in bits of my hair and scalp from each one of these occasions.

I was in a helluva better place up to and including the first of my birthday night. Ive still got a word doc open on my taskbar here with that day slowly being rehashed. Ive cataloged most of the 20th up to the point where I was still having a great time and the SGBC crew and I found ourselves outside on Granville street trying to find a place that was open past midnight. The flashing cursor on that doc is more of a taunting pause than a work in progress at this point though.

I certainly wish she plainly wasnt there that night. Not on that day of all days. My day.
But thats hardly the issue. We will constantly run into each other at venues like that. The part that really ended up getting to me was when lavinia told me that when she was in the washroom, a woman approached her and said something along the lines of
I hear that guy you are with is a real asshole. Watch yourself with him.

This woman was of course, sitting with R and her group of people. Many of which I already sort of knew from when we used to go to fetish night back in the late 90s.

Thats a huge part of what is really getting to me. I look back at the 6 months that have passed, and I look at the level of commitment and respect I put into HER process, when she so blatantly continued to disrespect my own,

I look at the level of love I had put into the actual reason behind breaking up with her.
She would get so angry with me during breakup conversations where I would try to tell her that I was breaking up with her out of Love for her too, knowing that we would both be happier in the future. I knew I wasnt the guy for her, and she really started to want kids. I really did Love her, and I liked her too (most of the time but we certainly had our moments)

Her infidelity certainly changed things with us, and perhaps I was never able to get back who I was in the us, but I was always conscious of her feelings, I always put hers first. That was probably one of the problems, but thats a different story.

Im just sayin I have hammered so hard at being the good guy in this. I certainly had moments where I wanted to react in anger and do something stupid like not allowing her to see Morgan anymore, but I fought it at all times.
I try to not get angry when I look at Morgan during weeks like last week when the poor guy was cooped up in here for so many hours. Her abandonment of him and the responsibility we both took on with his care really upsets me.

I suppose that's the escapism part I get caught up in... So many months of doing the 'right thing' consistently resulting in the opposite reaction is a reality I have a real hard time facing. I didn't even really realize how much it's been bothering me until I saw her that night.

I so much would love to hear the other story. The one she tells.