pica_pica

Well so much for an early night huh? I didnt get home until after 1:00, and I actually reset my alarm to 5:15. Yay, got to sleep in a hour!
I had a great time last night! It was great meeting those of you I had not yet met, but I suppose thats what these events are for? So thank you to angelvanilla for putting it together!

Didnt really get to talk to all of the new people, but its still nice to be able to put a face to a couple of names. I still have a hard time synching peoples real names over their SG names, much like I am just Morgans Dad to a lot of the dog folk around these woods.

I got home and transferred the pics off my camera onto my harddrive. There wasnt nearly as many as I thought I had taken, and how is it that every time I am in a pic, I invariably have some idiotic expression on my face? (maybe its because I invariably have an idiotic expression on my face?) Ill edit them eventually, there are a couple good ones in there of the group.

There was something I didnt say last night:

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGKKKKKK!!!!

I AM IN HELL!

A phrase comes to mind that rhymes a bit with too much information so I wasnt going to say anything but this is driving me insane! Or should I say nuts?

My crotch is on fire.
My crotch is driving me nuts?
My nuts are making me crotchety?

That waxing experience on Saturday has progressively gotten worse and worse over the last three days. I thought it was going to mellow by the end of the day on Sunday, but it didnt. I barely slept on Sunday night, the pain actually kept me awake as I struggled to find a comfortable position to lay in. Then through the day Monday, the pain started to intermingle in some alternating dance between a sharp sting and one of the most intense itching crawl I have felt. By Monday night, when I went to bed, the itchiness won out.
I barely slept Monday night either I can vaguely remember rolling around in a half dream state, with my hands seemingly locked between my legs, I felt like I had been tied to a stake in the desert, then somebody smeared some sort of red ant attractant on my poor little gonadal extremities.
Then I heard that gurgle, smelled the coffee, and got up to get ready to go to work.

It was 5:10 am, I went into the bathroom to have a shower, turned on the lights and looked down at myself. OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

You know those creepy African pictures of those tribesmen that have contracted elephantitis of the scrotum?



(ok, on a completely unrelated note, WHY did my google search just now for that turn up Sicily as the second hit?... strange, considering her set went up today.

http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=elephantitis+of+the+scrotum+photo&meta=)

Well, anyways, ok, admittedly I dont look EXACTLY like that African guy, or I wouldnt have been able to put my jeans on, but you know how the mind works sometimes. thats just how I felt upon seeing what had become of my betrothed.

Well, I had to go to work.. so I had the shower and tried to stop myself from oversoaping, but damn that itch.. it would NOT be satiated! I was almost late for work due to my inability to get out from under that hot water with my big soapy puffscruff thing. Man that musta looked creepy Im sure if anybody has ever installed a hidden camera in my bathroom, they rapidly uninstalled it that afternoon while fighting off those uncontrollable whole body heebie jeebies.

The bus ride was interesting to say the least

have you ever had one of those itches that is in a spot that is just generally societally unacceptable to scratch? Well this was one of those times, but like multiply it by a 1000.

So I get to the office, and find out that I am going to be working at a clients house all day out in West Van.
Oh god no please let me just stay in my little black room, please let me work by myself today .. I promise I wont scratch.. I PROMISE! (ok, maybe a little bit )

Nope. Into the van I go. Krugs driving.
you ok dude? he asks, as I squirm in the passenger seat.
huh? Yeah.. Im fine. I squeak.

We get to the house, and the woman that lives there is going to be home all day. Shes asking me all sorts of questions about the system and I am standing there feeling like I am just one big red throbbing gonad.

If it was a movie, the scene would be me standing there in a big, red Q-Bert costume. Gonad mascot.





I can barely understand her questions as I am forcing my hands to remain hanging by my side.
(ok dude. Do NOT shove both of your hands down your pants right now. Refrain! Refrain! Refrain from maniacally scratching your crotch. That would probably just look bad.) Man, all I could think about was doing just that though.

blah blah scrotum blah blah computer blah blah blah itch she said to me.
In my head, I was trying to concentrate on her questions, but I was all crotchety, shifting my weight back and forth from one leg to the next, praying that my jeans would somehow ride up into my crotch and grabcomon.. just a pinch.. a nibble please!
no luck AAARRRRRG!
What did she say again?



Man what a long day that was, all day long, there were people around me. Constantly!!
I almost felt like a fuckin junkie seated at a table with a mountain of pure heroin and a bucket of clean syringes placed well within my reach comon dude just one hit, itll feel SO good.
I am sure I felt beads of perspiration on my forehead..
NO, just keep wigglin those thighs. Back and forth, back and forth out and in, out an in

FUCKIN METHADONE

Finally, it was 4:00 pm. Time to leave.

Krug was driving the van again at the end of the day, back across the Loins gate bridge, back through the downtown core. I found myself trying to at first sit up and way back in the passenger seat, and then sliding slowly, (but subtly) forward so that my jeans would stick on the seat and please pull against my underwear. Again searching for that simple little tug of nirvana. Just a little pinch, please?
Sit up.. slide down. Sit up, slide down.. Sit up, slide down FUCK
No relief, not working.
Try the leg wobble thing again.. fast thighs twitching FUCK.

We stopped at a red light at Burrard and Georgia. We were about 2 blocks away from the spa I was at on Saturday.

I lose it, and I bolt.

Gotta go! Seeya tomorrow!

I jumped out of the van, slamming the door. Once I hit the sidewalk, I habitually pat my right coat pocket, and I immediately realize that I forgot my smokes on the dashboard of the van.
I look over at the van and sure enough theres that red and white pack on the dash in the sinking sunlight. The light for the oncoming traffic is turning yellow.

Krug holds up my pack in that international you forgot your smokes move.
Im still walking backwardsI dont even make a move for the van.
Fuck Smoking! Dont care!
I make some strange arm wave thing that I thought meant nah, Ill get them tomorrow, and kept backing up.
He looked perplexed a bit, but he smiled, raised one eyebrow in his trademark spock thing, put my pack back down on the dash, and waved bye to me as the light went green.
I spun and began the quick shuffle down to Hornby street. I was headed back to that spa.

It dawned on me when I got there that I didnt really know what I was going to say. I walked in the door and the woman working the desk looked up at me with that how can I help you sir? look. There was a woman giving another woman a manicure right beside the reception desk.

Why was I here? Like being here was going to instantly reverse my situation?

I squirmed some more.
uh mind blank.
Shes looking at me with big, over-exaggerated eyes of yes? blink.

uh, (comeon dude get this over with!)
I was in here on Saturday for a waxing, and I, I think something may have gone wrong.

Oh, What seems to be the problem? she asks.
The woman getting the manicure is looking up at me smiling. She has really fake breasts. Damnit, I knew she was going to ask me this.
I pause, still blank and itchy.

uh, is there an esthetician working today that I could see?

Thankfully, she sensed that I was uncomfortable with the topic, and she led me into the waiting room in the back. About 5 minutes later, a 60 something year old Persian woman came back to see me.
you have problem with waxing? she asks.
Uh, yeah, I think something is wrong, it its theres its well,.

come she says as she turns, waving her hand to follow her, and takes me into one of the rooms. of course she wants to take a look.
I follow her into the little room, and she closes the door behind us.
you had what kind of waxing? she asks.
Well, it was valentines thing, I lie, and I, well I agreed to get a brazilian done.

Perhaps she mistook my leg to leg shuffling for severe embarrassment, or perhaps I mistook my severe embarrassment for unbearable genital fire, but

Ach, she says
Ive been doing this for many years, I have seen everything she says, waving her hand like shes batting away a mosquito from in front of her face.

She picks up a small white towel from a stack of towels, and hands it to me to.

you lay here, she says, patting the table.
cover yourself with this, she hands me the towel.
She smiles, Ill be back, then she leaves and closes the door.

Screw the modesty. At that point in time, I couldnt care less that some woman old enough to be my grandmother wanted me to take my pants off, and as soon as she closed the door I stripped off my jeans. FINALLY I AM IN PRIVATE!!
Took a few guilty seconds to finally attempt to appease that itch! I am grabbing myself through my underwear like some 3 year old that needs to pee and dancing some alternating knee to chest dance with both hands workin the drums. (I think my eyes rolled back in my head. )

I know that the process of giving into the temptation of this scratch is going to make it worse, but damn thats all I want. I just want to live the rest of my natural life connected to some machine with a ferris wheel of brillo pads on it, and I want that machine to be built like an exercise bike the recumbent kind, with no seat.

I finally get a grip, ( or lose the grip?) and I stop and take my underwear off.
I finally look down and oh man that doesnt look good.

Then, theres a knock on the door. I took too long with the guilty pleasure of that itch, and she is thinking I am laying on the table.
I suddenly look up and I see myself in the full length mirror: And theres this guy:

Hes wearing a blue work shirt, no pants, no underwear, but he still has these black socks on pulled up half way to his knees. His genitals: unreal, not a part of him, Hairy stick legs. Oh man, thats SEXY.

OH GOD!

I quickly jump on the table, lay back, and lay the towel over myself.
Ok! I say, my face scrinched.
She opens the door.

Shes still totally cool, and I do actually feel somewhat relaxed by her demeanor.
Well, lets look she says, and sidles up to the side of my hip.
I move the towel off to the side a bit, to let her see a little corner of me that I was concerned about, and I immediately see the change in her expression.
Suddenly she goes from loving nurse to horrified med student.

She couldnt hide that reaction.

can I see the other side? she says, as her hand comes up and hovers above the towels edge.
I cover what she was seeing, and slide the towel across..

I show her the other side, and I see the expression on her face change into something I probably would rather not have seen.
Oh she says.

Obviously, in all of her years of seeing everything, she has not seen this.
Shes looking obviously concerned.
Uh oh.

After a long pause, she says:
are you allergic to anything?

Just Tea Tree Oil. I say.
but when the esthetician told me that she would wax me and then apply the cream with the Tea Tree oil, I told her that I was allergic, she switched to another cream that wasnt Tea Tree Oil based.

Ysee, I am deathly allergic to Tea Tree. I told the woman that waxed me on saturday that I blister on contact with that stuff

So the persian woman then opened up the cupboard, and pulled out an un-opened can of the wax they use:

The third ingredient in the wax was Tea Tree Oil.

Anyways, she suggested I go to the doctor, so I did.

I am now on a pharmaceutical grade antihistamine, and I have to rub corticosteroid cream on my gonads.

How sexy is THAT?

Thankfully, its only for a few more days.


I am the sexiest of beasts.