pica_pica

Happy Valentines day!!


I contemplated going down to Sin City Saturday night, but all week I had been feeling less and less like going cuz I feel unsexy. Perhaps I'm just retaining water.

(ok, and to be honest, my dream of running into 'R' down there from a few days ago was also something I did not want to comtemplate.)

I'll definately go down to the next one, but only if I actually get my ass back to the gym on a regular basis between now and then. Hmm, when is the next one...?
March 13th. Ok, that should allow me time enough to get rid of the winter padding I seem to have put on in the last 2 months. Too much bad living for the pica, too many evenings of beer, too many pizza's, too many sleep ins. That is not what I want.
That's not the life I have craved.

So many times over the years with 'R', when I was so much more motivated to delve so far into a healthy and active life of mountain biking, sea kayaking, hiking, camping etc, every single one of those things were not enjoyed by her. She was (understandably) terrified of bears when we camped, and I think she secretly dreaded camping. I love the water, I always wanted to rent a boat or a canoe, go scubadiving, swimming, even go to a waterslide or something, but unfortunately she was never given the opportunity to learn how to swim as a child, so the water thing never worked out. She simply wouldnt go near it.
Theres a little company down at English bay that rents out sea kayaks for 40 bux for 4 hours. Ive done it a couple of times and I absolutely loved it. So much so, that I would actually like to own one. Of course, she never came with me because of that fear of water thing.
Im not down on her for being afraid of the water. Im just saying that those sorts of things were what I really wanted to do, and due to the fact that she couldnt do them I wouldnt.

I tried mountain biking with her once. She hated it. We never biked together ever again. Well, as time went on, I watched as my lifestyle became more and more indoors. I would basically do whatever it was that she wanted to do. If I wanted to do the things that I wanted to do, it would have meant that all of our spare time the only time we could hang out for quality time would be spent apart from eachother. I spent my spare time with her then, inside.

It was taking its toll. I started gaining a ton of bad habits like just staying at home and drinking on Friday and Saturday nights. Our Fridays were always just wine and cheese and movies. Saturday was sushi in the afternoon and more drinking at night. Sundays were laundry. It was all pretty rutty rut rut.

I am sure that my frustration with the rift between what I wanted to do, and what we actually did was behind a part of my unhappiness. Perhaps there was something else I could have done about it, but that in combination with my feeling that she didnt really Love me in the same definition of Love that I had, and my deeper frustration with the lack of a deep connection with her which would allow us to have long conversations about meaningful things all took its toll. I absolutely Loved her, but I could tell something really important was missing.
I suppose it's also entirely possible that I never really got over her affair, perhaps my trust never fully came back, but I watched in horror as my lifestyle began to swing towards greater depths. I watched as I started to reach out into any direction of instant gratification in some sick attempt to fill whatever void was being created inside me. We just werent heading into a direction that looked good, it was getting desperate and I knew shed probably be happier eventually without me in her life as the dissatisfied boyfriend.
Any attempts at breaking up invariably broke my heart when I witnessed her collapse, and I would go back on my attempt tell her its ok, well try harder, and a week later I would be regretting my weakness for not being able to stick with my resolve to split us off into a direction of solitary happiness.

Of course, my unhealthy bad habits grew worse and more repetitive. A big part inside of me said that I wouldnt be living like this if it wasnt for her. If I didnt feel so held back, so stifled, if I could only. If I could only talk to her about it, but that didnt work out either. The conversations would never go smoothly as it would appear she misunderstood my words of honesty everytime they came out of my mouth and it was sour.

It was totally wrong to blame it on her, but I know I kept telling myself that I would not be living that lifestyle if it wasnt for her. At times, when I pictured what my life would be like if I wasnt living with her, I saw a healthy, well adjusted, glowing me.

Well here it is what, 6 months later? Am I that healthy glowing future me? Ha. no, my bad habits actually have grown more repetitive in the last few months and Ive totally allowed it. Total escapism on my part, and a lack of strength.

Well Ive been finding myself taking a hard look at my life choices lately, and I have not been entirely happy with what I am seeing. My 37th birthday is coming up in a week, and thats a sobering thought. Time to get a grip pica.

Saturday night, instead of going down to Sin City, I was invited over to a friends place for an evening of something that sounded extremely foreign to me. Board games. Trivial Pursuit and Scrabble. My punk rock brain was rebelling against the very idea. My Saturdays are supposed to be filled with debauchery.
Well, Ill be damned if I didnt totally enjoy it. We didnt get wasted, we simply spent about 5 hours together, talking and laughing and listening to great music that I was introduced to for the first time, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to do something different like that.

Then yesterday, thanks to the suggestion from hotbonbon, I went down to the Ridge theatre and watched that movie What the #$*! Do we Know?.
Well, wasnt that just perfect timing. What a great movie for thought provocation! And to be able to see it when my mind was already in such a receptive state to the ideas already, was a gift.

So here it is valentines day, I dont feel it.
I had very strange dreams last night.
Dreams like they used to be when I was a kid, the ones where I float up off the ground in an antigravity sort of flying way, and the next thing I know I am over some field I apparently know in the UK. Some word.. orthanq oldflank.. cant recall.
There was music, and I really liked the music, Somebody said it was David somebody
Then there was CD waiting for me. It had a red envelope tied around it with a knot of twine.
Shaun and Morgan was written on it in Rs handwriting. There was a letter inside but in my dream I never read it.
The CD underneath said it was David Spade, but I knew it wasnt him. I think it was supposed to be David Gray.

In other news. I tried to treat myself to a male brazilian wax on Saturday. I dont think she knew what she was doing:
The process was unbelievably painful, and I was actually bleeding and blood smeared in numerous locations before she was done.
I got this done last summer at a spa on Commercial Drive, and I loved the results, the aesthetician used an oil first, so that the wax wouldnt stick to the skin only the hair. Sure, the process stung a bit, but it wasnt shockingly painful. When she was done, it felt a bit numb for a few hours and the first shower stung a bit, but then I was fine and it lasted about a month.
This time was the complete opposite. She didnt use any oil first, My entire body would lurch with each rip, I bled, I was swollen for 24 hours and now I totally understand that its very important to be sure that they use oil.

This is really not attractive, but that is completely secondary because aint nobody but me has to see this in it's glory. It's my own little valentines heart to myself I guess.:
There's NO WAY I'm posting a shot of 'everything' here, but this should be enough to get the idea of why I am walking so slowly today.
--edit-- way too yucky