Dreams? Yeah, I had some. Seems like I had quite a few cant quite remember any of them though. Barely recognizable silhouettes, shadows or maybe aromas are all thats left.
I finished off that 12 day herbal cleanse thing a few days ago, but quite honestly I didnt really feel like I got a lot out of it. I didnt break the rules regarding what I was allowed to eat while I was on it, but I certainly didnt follow the 80% of my diet from grains like millet and brownrice and buckwheat lots of fish and almonds.
No I think I ate a lot of meat cuz I was busy and it was the easiest thing to do. Make a big roast on a Sunday and then like some mid-winter Homo Neanderthalensis, come back into my cave night after night to dig it back up and rip some more fleshy chunks off it.
Not exactly high fiber.
So yeah, I didnt eat any bread or dairy or refined foods, but I somehow doubt the marketability of the 12 day Roast Beef and Ham cleanse exists. Im starting another one today, and with this one Im going to add a fairly hardcore workout schedule to my bowls of oatmeal and buckwheat.
About a week ago, I was writing about how I seemed to have found myself on the good side of things, how I dont seem to be feeling that devastation I was feeling in November, December
I think this is a sign that the depth of devastation I found myself in a few months ago has begun to witness the beginning of a low tide.
it's probably interesting from a psychological point of view how whenever I try to describe something that is going on, I invariably put myself stationary, and paint the image of everything being controlled externally.
IE it's not that I am walking up out of the depths of devastation, it's more like I am still just standing here where I always have been, but I am watching the depth pull away, recede... dry up.
I didnt put much thought into that, just same old babble that drips off my fingertips sometimes when I am in a rush.
Now however, re-reading it a week later, I am making more sense out of the imagery my brain was pulling for me. I totally didn't "get it" at the time of writing it, but now I do. I was too blind to the obvious imagery right after recieving that last email from her.
Me not walking out of the devastation, me not crawling away from it, the stationary nature of the image of me standing up to my neck in the high tide of it all to finally see it recede and dry up: Me standing there has been me for the last 4 months, grimacing for sure -- but not walking away.
The recession is her leaving, pulling away, walking away --unable to deal.
As sad as I am for the Morgster, and as totally shitty and weak I feel her decision to do this is, I feel such relief and personal satisfaction that I was able to maintain my conviction and strength throughout all of that crazy shite.
Sure that personal satisfaction still pales in comparison to the reality of Morgan's abandonment, but I never succumbed and allowed myself to react with anger, I never pulled any stupid shit, I maintained my honesty and integrity. I really feel that was a bit of a growing pain for me. I really do feel quite good about that.
Her? She was on fullbore attack mode that whole time. Progressively more and more heartless, cruel and angry. It seems that the more I just stood there smiling, the harder shed push, the more cutting her words became, the more inflexible she became.
I am almost positive that this is what she has wanted for a really long time, that she was trying very hard to make me make this decision for her.
And here it is: over.
I didnt do it.
She is the tide that has pulled away, and this is why I simply saw myself standing there cuz I was, and I still am.
A Childish Prank
By Ted Hughes
Mans and womans bodies lay without souls,
Dully gaping, foolishly staring, inert
On the flowers of Eden.
God Pondered.
The problem was so great, it dragged him asleep.
Crow laughed.
He bit the Worm, Gods only son,
Into two writhing halves.
He stuffed into man the tail half
With the wounded end hanging out.
He stuffed the head half headfirst into woman
And it crept in deeper and up
To peer out through her eyes
Calling its tail-half to join up quickly, quickly
Because O it was painful.
Man awoke being dragged across the grass.
Woman awoke to see him coming.
Neither knew what had happened.
God went on sleeping.
Crow went on laughing.
I finished off that 12 day herbal cleanse thing a few days ago, but quite honestly I didnt really feel like I got a lot out of it. I didnt break the rules regarding what I was allowed to eat while I was on it, but I certainly didnt follow the 80% of my diet from grains like millet and brownrice and buckwheat lots of fish and almonds.
No I think I ate a lot of meat cuz I was busy and it was the easiest thing to do. Make a big roast on a Sunday and then like some mid-winter Homo Neanderthalensis, come back into my cave night after night to dig it back up and rip some more fleshy chunks off it.
Not exactly high fiber.
So yeah, I didnt eat any bread or dairy or refined foods, but I somehow doubt the marketability of the 12 day Roast Beef and Ham cleanse exists. Im starting another one today, and with this one Im going to add a fairly hardcore workout schedule to my bowls of oatmeal and buckwheat.
About a week ago, I was writing about how I seemed to have found myself on the good side of things, how I dont seem to be feeling that devastation I was feeling in November, December
I think this is a sign that the depth of devastation I found myself in a few months ago has begun to witness the beginning of a low tide.
it's probably interesting from a psychological point of view how whenever I try to describe something that is going on, I invariably put myself stationary, and paint the image of everything being controlled externally.
IE it's not that I am walking up out of the depths of devastation, it's more like I am still just standing here where I always have been, but I am watching the depth pull away, recede... dry up.
I didnt put much thought into that, just same old babble that drips off my fingertips sometimes when I am in a rush.
Now however, re-reading it a week later, I am making more sense out of the imagery my brain was pulling for me. I totally didn't "get it" at the time of writing it, but now I do. I was too blind to the obvious imagery right after recieving that last email from her.
Me not walking out of the devastation, me not crawling away from it, the stationary nature of the image of me standing up to my neck in the high tide of it all to finally see it recede and dry up: Me standing there has been me for the last 4 months, grimacing for sure -- but not walking away.
The recession is her leaving, pulling away, walking away --unable to deal.
As sad as I am for the Morgster, and as totally shitty and weak I feel her decision to do this is, I feel such relief and personal satisfaction that I was able to maintain my conviction and strength throughout all of that crazy shite.
Sure that personal satisfaction still pales in comparison to the reality of Morgan's abandonment, but I never succumbed and allowed myself to react with anger, I never pulled any stupid shit, I maintained my honesty and integrity. I really feel that was a bit of a growing pain for me. I really do feel quite good about that.
Her? She was on fullbore attack mode that whole time. Progressively more and more heartless, cruel and angry. It seems that the more I just stood there smiling, the harder shed push, the more cutting her words became, the more inflexible she became.
I am almost positive that this is what she has wanted for a really long time, that she was trying very hard to make me make this decision for her.
And here it is: over.
I didnt do it.
She is the tide that has pulled away, and this is why I simply saw myself standing there cuz I was, and I still am.
A Childish Prank
By Ted Hughes
Mans and womans bodies lay without souls,
Dully gaping, foolishly staring, inert
On the flowers of Eden.
God Pondered.
The problem was so great, it dragged him asleep.
Crow laughed.
He bit the Worm, Gods only son,
Into two writhing halves.
He stuffed into man the tail half
With the wounded end hanging out.
He stuffed the head half headfirst into woman
And it crept in deeper and up
To peer out through her eyes
Calling its tail-half to join up quickly, quickly
Because O it was painful.
Man awoke being dragged across the grass.
Woman awoke to see him coming.
Neither knew what had happened.
God went on sleeping.
Crow went on laughing.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
tiamat:
how are you able to do that? i would not have the will power. i am so jealous
angelvanilla:
SGBC Regional Group