pica_pica

Wow, its actually snowing outside. This is pretty much the first snowfall of the year for us tucked away here in this little corner of Canada. Its not really snow like I remember snow to be as a kid though. Not Calgary snow. This is just little miniscule ice crystals that you can just make out in the street lights. Theres a thin sparkling dusting on the tops of the cars and the street down below my window.

As soon as I can get my hands on some AA batteries, I will finally be able to start documenting some of this stuff around me. Many thanks to coolheart for that ability, he is selling me an older model Kodak digital camera and I am totally excited to start playing with this thing.

I woke up at 5:15 this morning, and for the first time in a couple of weeks I walked over to my writing desk to actually continue on with the morning pages. I have certainly noticed that I have not been handwriting anything lately, but I never got so far as to be concerned about that or even wonder why. But this morning, when I looked over there and thought about the fact that I haven't written, I realized "that's probably not a good sign".
I thought fuckit, I gotta get back to the morning pages.

Couldnt do it though. I got to the desk, I didnt even sit down. I just started clearing some things out of the way so I would have room for my book and after putting the empty laundry basket on the couch, I simply walked away from the corner. When I got into the bathroom I noticed my brain had already moved into interrogation mode against my will.
what the fuck is up with that? says brain.
with what? I say, trying to maintain an innocent tone.

If a brain had eyebrows, mine raised just one. And if a brain could just stare, mine just did.
This good cop / bad cop thing was totally off balance and I tried to look away.

I just have to pee. Gimme a second here, yknow, gotta get the coffee on

Brain starts to grind teeth. Well?

I break, and confess.
I realized that I am avoiding my book because the book makes all this real. I realized that I am in escape mode. I simply havent been able to understand at all what is happening around me here, and I realize now a part of me had shut down.
Maybe now, today, as I finally NOTICE that shutdown, maybe that is me coming out the other side of it, not sure.

I still didnt write in my book, but at least now I know why. The stuff I sometimes end up writing about in my book is much more personal and painful than some of the things I write about here. (which is shocking, because I have written some embarrassingly honest and personal things here.)
I have pretty much stopped writing about the R scenario here. It hasnt abated though, actually its gotten worse. I just get tired of facing it though and I am sure anybody thats actually reading this got tired of reading it. I left the topic at the door, but I am going to open the window a crack.

Havent seen her now since that day she saw me outside the sushi restaurant. That was almost 2 months ago now?
Admittedly, I simply never responded to her emails after that particularly nasty series she sent me at the end of November. That just slaughtered me and Im still reeling a bit at the cruelty behind that. I KNOW I am not doing anything to result in that, there is simply no justification for that attack, so its a bit of a crazy maker trying to deal with it.

Well the new year broke and she had yet to deposit her half of Morgans food and prescription costs into my account. I emailed her on Friday to let her know what her half is for the month of December. No response to the email, and I watched my online account for her deposit. Nothing. I emailed her again on Monday asking for a verification that she got the email, and if not I gave her the total again. Again no response.

She finally emailed me back on Tuesday saying that she just got my emails and that she would give me a check for her December half the next time she picks up Morgan. Yesterday or Today are the only two days that would work for her.

WTF?

We set up the account deposit back in September and its been that way ever since. Now shes holding back the money she owes until she can see Morgan? I have told her time and time again that we are not meshing our weekday schedules, and since we both dont work weekends, a weekend time would be better. Fuck, we only live like 4 blocks apart, it shouldnt be that difficult. So I emailed her asking her again to please deposit what she owes into my account, as it is now quite overdue. I also told her that I am extremely busy this week at work and wont be able to make it downtown in time so why dont we try for a Saturday or Sunday visit.
This is the response.

Wednesday or Thursday (so far) should be fine for a visit with Morgan. As I have already stated to you on several occasions, the weekday visits with Morgan stand. You will receive a cheque the next time I see Morgan. Also, as I have said several times, I do not or require any details about your work and/or personal life. I am not interested.

WTF? Who IS this person?? I guess that ciomment about her not requiring any details about my work/personal life had to do with me saying "I'm really busy at work". I'm not going to back away from communicating in the most basic form. If I am too busy, I'll say so. Insane!

I have maintained my friendliness for so long, thinking that she is in pain and I must remain compassionate and empathetic, I tried to roll with the flow of her anger, but I am slowly starting to lose my ability to maintain that. I know she is probably just trying to force me to cut all ties with her so that she doesnt have to see me anymore. (She always said that she would never be able to see me again if we broke up because it would be too painful.)

I dont want to succumb to that though. Its so wrong. She still absolutely requires me to act in a way that she can finally point fingers at, so her and her girlfriends can sit around and bond over crantini's going "oh my god, what an Asshole!"
Not happening.

Anyways, I removed my smile mask, and emailed her back.

As it turns out, my prediction was correct. We are heading out to West Van today so I wont be home until late. Tomorrow Im not sure yet, but it may be a day in Victoria which would rule out Thursday as well.

Please deposit what you owe for last months dog food and metoxicam into my account today. It is well overdue now.
The only reason I can see that you would with-hold that is to hold Morgan in some reverse ransom. I hope to believe you are above that.
However, if that is the case, let me say that no matter what happens between us, I will not take away your ability to see him. The only thing currently stopping you from seeing him is your own inflexibility.

His monthly prescription and food bill is a simple thing, and as you know, its an extremely small percentage of the full responsibility of owning a dog. I am living that responsibility by myself and I simply ask you to maintain your responsibility to half of his bills.
Please respect that, and cover your half from last month today.


No response. She didnt respond to the email at all, and as of this morning, there has been no deposit into my account. I guess her love of Morgan only goes as far as her hatred will allow.

**editted out of compassion, not for lack of honesty. Sometimes honesty is too much.**

Well, this new reality is a hard brick to fuck, and it's built a wall around my little black book over there in the corner.