I have a turkey in the freezer.
I bought it on Sunday, and I didnt at the time even know why I was buying a turkey, but I saw it and I put it in my cart.
Now I think I am foreseeing a somber day of cranberries ahead. I think I have decided that I am not going to go back to Alberta for Christmas.
A part of that is definitely this R scenario, Monday morning she asked about a dog exchange, then once again Wednesday morning. Those two emails still didnt start with my name, nor did they end with hers. Very perfunctory and 2 sentence clinical which is fine I guess, but not after the brutal words from last week. She cant possibly imagine that she can just talk to me as though nothing just happened. I really did want to respond, I knew it was right, but I never was able to get past the first couple of friendly sentences before I let my hand drag my mouse up and over through the ashes coating my mousepad and hammer a single click down on the X.
Another one on the box containing the word no.
Sorry R, I just cant do it right now.
Well, whatever. Im not going to go on about it. Whats done is done and I guess Im kinda done. I guess some part of me was hoping for an epiphany on her part, a sudden realization on her part that she was wrong and she would email me with something that would almost come across like, come across almost close todunno, like an apology. Not even like an Im really sorry or anything, maybe even just a I was really angry when I wrote that. Even just a hint.
I still care about her, I wouldnt be this affected by this if I didnt still really hold a part of her inside of me. Sure it would be a lot easier if I didnt, or if I could at least eventually convince myself through repetitive mantras of hatred that I dont care one bit, but I do and I know I do and Ive been willing to accept the fact that that was going to make this process a little bit more difficult.
Ok, a lot more difficult, but still very real.
Of course its complicated, how could it not be? 1992 was a long time ago.
Well, I think one of the things I am noticing is that something is coming up here that was probably sneakily omnipotent during the last few years of my dissatisfaction. My definition of Love:
I just dont agree with what we are fed from that Hollywood version of that amazing lost in the stratosphere birds chirping around your head kaleidoscope eyed rapture that will last for the rest of your natural life for that person you just met in the express isle at the supermarket.
Dont get me wrong, I totally know that feeling, I totally understand the painful depths of that Love. But I also totally believe that it will go away.
Not completely gone, but morphed or replaced with something that is even stronger, I think that true Love is what you find as the neurotransmitters wear off, and you realize that you completely care for this person and will always want to see them with the best they can possibly have. You always want to see them totally happy, safe, and you sacrifice yourself for them as you would expect them to do for you sometimes.
That first bit of Love, the queasy stomach, the obsessive thoughts, the absolute rush you get from that persons smell when you catch it on a piece of clothing they had left behind that day, the lack of control you have physically when the two of you are nude and coming together at the end of a perfect evening of dinner and talking, the emptiness you feel inside sometimes when their pupils are so close to yours and not blinking, the tears and the not wanting to ever let go of that embrace in the morning before one of you has to go to work I know that first bit.
We certainly had that, and I know it will come again, but I also know that that is the power of creation, and shes tricky.
I think that is creations way of making damned sure we breed. Make sure that the brain chemistry has bonded these two people together long enough to ensure procreation. Again, dont misunderstand me, that chemistry is hard to find, and it is extremely special when found.
But its still chemistry.
Maybe it will last a year, if youre lucky, almost 2 years. Sometimes only 6 months. But by then, we should have had at least be on the way with one child, and the mother now has the support of the tribe as well. The animals would now split, and go on to widen the gene pool.
Thats if we were all hairy and still somewhat hunched over.
I think weve evolved past that, (ok, MOST of us) but I believe that we are still the victims of the remnants.
Some people would say that that perspective is sad, or jaded or too clinical. But I didnt finish, Love is still all of that, we can save those parts of it, but that takes extra work once the neurotransmitters wear off. I think thats when people get unhappy in a relationship: when they dont understand that it takes a conscious effort to maintain the throbbing of the dendrites after a few years. Real Love is a verb as far as Im concerned. And she and I got into some discussions over that where we just didnt mesh.
It would be a very confusing thing for her to hear me say I still Love her, because that to her would mean that I wanted to get back together with her. I dont. I broke up with her out of Love.
But I do still Love her, I Love her in the way where I want the best for her, and I want her to be happy and I want her to feel good about her future.
It isnt going to be with me, Ive known that for a long time now, but forgive my hippy trippy shit to say that even without me, I crave happiness for her.
Yes, of course it makes me sad, of course it was totally fucking difficult, and yes there was a part in that decision that was also for my own future, because we were not seeming to understand eachother. Thats my Love, and I guess on a general population scale of understanding, its probably wrong.
But where am I now?
I know my intentions, and they still are trying to push me forward. I am completely cognitive of what she could possibly be going through, and Ive consistently tried to put her psychological possibility in front of every single one of my actions. I am trying to understand that this hatred could be psychologically based, and I have been completely empathetic with everything she has been doing for the last 5 months, but I think I may have just hit what I was hoping wasnt my breaking point.
Thats the guy I want to be, and Im afraid I am still on the track of that summit. Ive gone over this situation again and again and again and I have come out the other side of that thought farm with a fairly clear picture of what would be the right response in the face of Love.
That response would be the continuation of my compassion, my empathy and my acceptance of her process.
That would be me smiling as I hand over the leash this evening, that would be me driving Morgan out to the valley this Christmas so that I could rush back and grab my flight to Alberta on the 24th. That would be me strong.
And Im not yet.
I have a turkey in the freezer, and unfortunately I kinda relate to how hes feeling.
If I was him, Id react like this too.
I bought it on Sunday, and I didnt at the time even know why I was buying a turkey, but I saw it and I put it in my cart.
Now I think I am foreseeing a somber day of cranberries ahead. I think I have decided that I am not going to go back to Alberta for Christmas.
A part of that is definitely this R scenario, Monday morning she asked about a dog exchange, then once again Wednesday morning. Those two emails still didnt start with my name, nor did they end with hers. Very perfunctory and 2 sentence clinical which is fine I guess, but not after the brutal words from last week. She cant possibly imagine that she can just talk to me as though nothing just happened. I really did want to respond, I knew it was right, but I never was able to get past the first couple of friendly sentences before I let my hand drag my mouse up and over through the ashes coating my mousepad and hammer a single click down on the X.
Another one on the box containing the word no.
Sorry R, I just cant do it right now.
Well, whatever. Im not going to go on about it. Whats done is done and I guess Im kinda done. I guess some part of me was hoping for an epiphany on her part, a sudden realization on her part that she was wrong and she would email me with something that would almost come across like, come across almost close todunno, like an apology. Not even like an Im really sorry or anything, maybe even just a I was really angry when I wrote that. Even just a hint.
I still care about her, I wouldnt be this affected by this if I didnt still really hold a part of her inside of me. Sure it would be a lot easier if I didnt, or if I could at least eventually convince myself through repetitive mantras of hatred that I dont care one bit, but I do and I know I do and Ive been willing to accept the fact that that was going to make this process a little bit more difficult.
Ok, a lot more difficult, but still very real.
Of course its complicated, how could it not be? 1992 was a long time ago.
Well, I think one of the things I am noticing is that something is coming up here that was probably sneakily omnipotent during the last few years of my dissatisfaction. My definition of Love:
I just dont agree with what we are fed from that Hollywood version of that amazing lost in the stratosphere birds chirping around your head kaleidoscope eyed rapture that will last for the rest of your natural life for that person you just met in the express isle at the supermarket.
Dont get me wrong, I totally know that feeling, I totally understand the painful depths of that Love. But I also totally believe that it will go away.
Not completely gone, but morphed or replaced with something that is even stronger, I think that true Love is what you find as the neurotransmitters wear off, and you realize that you completely care for this person and will always want to see them with the best they can possibly have. You always want to see them totally happy, safe, and you sacrifice yourself for them as you would expect them to do for you sometimes.
That first bit of Love, the queasy stomach, the obsessive thoughts, the absolute rush you get from that persons smell when you catch it on a piece of clothing they had left behind that day, the lack of control you have physically when the two of you are nude and coming together at the end of a perfect evening of dinner and talking, the emptiness you feel inside sometimes when their pupils are so close to yours and not blinking, the tears and the not wanting to ever let go of that embrace in the morning before one of you has to go to work I know that first bit.
We certainly had that, and I know it will come again, but I also know that that is the power of creation, and shes tricky.
I think that is creations way of making damned sure we breed. Make sure that the brain chemistry has bonded these two people together long enough to ensure procreation. Again, dont misunderstand me, that chemistry is hard to find, and it is extremely special when found.
But its still chemistry.
Maybe it will last a year, if youre lucky, almost 2 years. Sometimes only 6 months. But by then, we should have had at least be on the way with one child, and the mother now has the support of the tribe as well. The animals would now split, and go on to widen the gene pool.
Thats if we were all hairy and still somewhat hunched over.
I think weve evolved past that, (ok, MOST of us) but I believe that we are still the victims of the remnants.
Some people would say that that perspective is sad, or jaded or too clinical. But I didnt finish, Love is still all of that, we can save those parts of it, but that takes extra work once the neurotransmitters wear off. I think thats when people get unhappy in a relationship: when they dont understand that it takes a conscious effort to maintain the throbbing of the dendrites after a few years. Real Love is a verb as far as Im concerned. And she and I got into some discussions over that where we just didnt mesh.
It would be a very confusing thing for her to hear me say I still Love her, because that to her would mean that I wanted to get back together with her. I dont. I broke up with her out of Love.
But I do still Love her, I Love her in the way where I want the best for her, and I want her to be happy and I want her to feel good about her future.
It isnt going to be with me, Ive known that for a long time now, but forgive my hippy trippy shit to say that even without me, I crave happiness for her.
Yes, of course it makes me sad, of course it was totally fucking difficult, and yes there was a part in that decision that was also for my own future, because we were not seeming to understand eachother. Thats my Love, and I guess on a general population scale of understanding, its probably wrong.
But where am I now?
I know my intentions, and they still are trying to push me forward. I am completely cognitive of what she could possibly be going through, and Ive consistently tried to put her psychological possibility in front of every single one of my actions. I am trying to understand that this hatred could be psychologically based, and I have been completely empathetic with everything she has been doing for the last 5 months, but I think I may have just hit what I was hoping wasnt my breaking point.
Thats the guy I want to be, and Im afraid I am still on the track of that summit. Ive gone over this situation again and again and again and I have come out the other side of that thought farm with a fairly clear picture of what would be the right response in the face of Love.
That response would be the continuation of my compassion, my empathy and my acceptance of her process.
That would be me smiling as I hand over the leash this evening, that would be me driving Morgan out to the valley this Christmas so that I could rush back and grab my flight to Alberta on the 24th. That would be me strong.
And Im not yet.
I have a turkey in the freezer, and unfortunately I kinda relate to how hes feeling.
If I was him, Id react like this too.
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TODAY IS the Vancouver Christmas Party! I'm soooooo excited to see everyone!