Aw man, this has really got me. I totally dont know what to do.
I went through that realization last night that no matter how fucking heartbroken I am, no matter how devastated I am, I realize that the right thing to do is to not waver here. If she requests to see the dog, I need to maintain my right thing and just agree to the arrangement. Maintain this compassion, maintain the understanding from a perspective of acceptance, and allow myself to just continue forth here blind to her attacks. I KNOW that who she thinks I am is not who I am, and I know that whatever it is she is going through or whatever she went through must have been somewhat devastating.
Shaun, you know you lived that life with a blind love for her for so many years, and if she needs to forget that fact right now for whatever reason, you cant allow yourself to think that her perception of the past and your actions is actually who you are.
She emailed me this morning again, requesting to see Morgan either today or tomorrow.
I know whats right, I know I have figured that out, but I have opened up a window to that email like 6 times so far today, and each time I am left staring at that cursor its obnoxious flashing flashing flashing.
Well, type something.
Go ahead.
Say something!
Eventually, I may actually start typing something to her, but then I just close the window.
do you want to save changes to message Re: Morgan, Christmas and my belongings?
--click no
I just cant bring myself to reply, and I dont entirely understand what is happening inside me that is making it so difficult. I know replying is the right thing to do.
I so much need to do this right thing, I know that. But I am battling something huge right now, and that is the fact that when I actually picture walking up there and handing off the leash, I picture seeing her, seeing her face, and I just cant process the cruelty behind that face I know so well.
For me to have emailed her last week, basically letting her know that I was having a really difficult time understanding how she could be so cruel and heartless, and how she MUST remember that those 12 years were NOT some terrible mistake. I really thought that I just may have gotten through to her a little bit. Just enough for her to take the level of her attack down a few notches.
It took me three days to even grasp how deeply her words had affected me, and then to actually say something about it to her Well that was even more of a gamble, completely laying myself out there for her: prone and naked on that same old metal gurney.
I never ever would have anticipated her response would be an even stronger assault on the same little village of blind one-legged children I had just begged her to let be. (yes, I am that cheesy on purpose. Be glad I left out the story about the village puppies and kittens.)
Im just so shocked at that. And shocked isnt even the right word. shocked is like golly gee, I sure didnt expect THAT!. Im not that.
Well, yeah, I am that too, but it goes much further, and Im just really really sad, and my whole world view has taken a bit of a slant. It changed and not in a good way. At least I dont think it was a good way. Perhaps it just may take me a couple of years to finally look back on this and suddenly see the positive, but right now I am really fighting for that perspective.
Im hoping something though. Im hoping that last Friday actually went down in a way I didnt have the chance to witness.
Maybe I am missing something, who knows, maybe she didnt even get any of those emails until all at once, I dunno. I am just reaching for an explanation. I think maybe she sent that email off in anger, and it was too late to take it back by the time she finally read my last email.
Yeah, Im grasping. Im grasping though, because I am really fighting the reality of this. And for some reason, this is causing me to be unable to finish that damned email. After I put so much thought into how I was going to react to this, (and as far as Im concerned, even no reaction is a reaction) and I finally found that the center of that thought was telling me to shake it off and smile. Walk up and hand her the leash, smile, and walk away. You are NOT who she is saying you are, and continue to empathize with what she is going through. Maintain this honesty, and even maintain your level of communication.
I really believe that that is the better way, no guessing, no headgames, no lies.
There is no need for her to react negatively to me if I continue to approach this period this way. I will certainly stop requesting for her to treat me differently, but I am in complete control of how I treat her, and I will not back away from treating her with respect and compassion.
I think that if she emailed me and said she was sorry, man. That would be huge for me. It wouldnt mean that we are friends, or talking, or anything, but it would let me believe that people really arent all that bad sometimes.
Even with the amount of nasty shit that has gone down in the last few months, I really would be able to walk up there with Morgan tomorrow, with an honest smile on my face to hand over the leash.
then again, i just did something tonight that I hardly ever do these days, and that's spark one up. Maybe I haven't really explained myself well, being all stoned an everyhitng.
I went through that realization last night that no matter how fucking heartbroken I am, no matter how devastated I am, I realize that the right thing to do is to not waver here. If she requests to see the dog, I need to maintain my right thing and just agree to the arrangement. Maintain this compassion, maintain the understanding from a perspective of acceptance, and allow myself to just continue forth here blind to her attacks. I KNOW that who she thinks I am is not who I am, and I know that whatever it is she is going through or whatever she went through must have been somewhat devastating.
Shaun, you know you lived that life with a blind love for her for so many years, and if she needs to forget that fact right now for whatever reason, you cant allow yourself to think that her perception of the past and your actions is actually who you are.
She emailed me this morning again, requesting to see Morgan either today or tomorrow.
I know whats right, I know I have figured that out, but I have opened up a window to that email like 6 times so far today, and each time I am left staring at that cursor its obnoxious flashing flashing flashing.
Well, type something.
Go ahead.
Say something!
Eventually, I may actually start typing something to her, but then I just close the window.
do you want to save changes to message Re: Morgan, Christmas and my belongings?
--click no
I just cant bring myself to reply, and I dont entirely understand what is happening inside me that is making it so difficult. I know replying is the right thing to do.
I so much need to do this right thing, I know that. But I am battling something huge right now, and that is the fact that when I actually picture walking up there and handing off the leash, I picture seeing her, seeing her face, and I just cant process the cruelty behind that face I know so well.
For me to have emailed her last week, basically letting her know that I was having a really difficult time understanding how she could be so cruel and heartless, and how she MUST remember that those 12 years were NOT some terrible mistake. I really thought that I just may have gotten through to her a little bit. Just enough for her to take the level of her attack down a few notches.
It took me three days to even grasp how deeply her words had affected me, and then to actually say something about it to her Well that was even more of a gamble, completely laying myself out there for her: prone and naked on that same old metal gurney.
I never ever would have anticipated her response would be an even stronger assault on the same little village of blind one-legged children I had just begged her to let be. (yes, I am that cheesy on purpose. Be glad I left out the story about the village puppies and kittens.)
Im just so shocked at that. And shocked isnt even the right word. shocked is like golly gee, I sure didnt expect THAT!. Im not that.
Well, yeah, I am that too, but it goes much further, and Im just really really sad, and my whole world view has taken a bit of a slant. It changed and not in a good way. At least I dont think it was a good way. Perhaps it just may take me a couple of years to finally look back on this and suddenly see the positive, but right now I am really fighting for that perspective.
Im hoping something though. Im hoping that last Friday actually went down in a way I didnt have the chance to witness.
Maybe I am missing something, who knows, maybe she didnt even get any of those emails until all at once, I dunno. I am just reaching for an explanation. I think maybe she sent that email off in anger, and it was too late to take it back by the time she finally read my last email.
Yeah, Im grasping. Im grasping though, because I am really fighting the reality of this. And for some reason, this is causing me to be unable to finish that damned email. After I put so much thought into how I was going to react to this, (and as far as Im concerned, even no reaction is a reaction) and I finally found that the center of that thought was telling me to shake it off and smile. Walk up and hand her the leash, smile, and walk away. You are NOT who she is saying you are, and continue to empathize with what she is going through. Maintain this honesty, and even maintain your level of communication.
I really believe that that is the better way, no guessing, no headgames, no lies.
There is no need for her to react negatively to me if I continue to approach this period this way. I will certainly stop requesting for her to treat me differently, but I am in complete control of how I treat her, and I will not back away from treating her with respect and compassion.
I think that if she emailed me and said she was sorry, man. That would be huge for me. It wouldnt mean that we are friends, or talking, or anything, but it would let me believe that people really arent all that bad sometimes.
Even with the amount of nasty shit that has gone down in the last few months, I really would be able to walk up there with Morgan tomorrow, with an honest smile on my face to hand over the leash.
then again, i just did something tonight that I hardly ever do these days, and that's spark one up. Maybe I haven't really explained myself well, being all stoned an everyhitng.
I almost called you.