Being conscious.
I never would have foreseen the amount of energy one needs to expend
To be conscious.
I never would have weaned the enemy in me
i hope I am a good influence on you sometimes.
i really really hope for me to be a bouy.
a bobbing signpost in the waves of the black void.
i'm not so vain to be a lighthouse
damn, this thing is cool.
Woke up this morning to the only thing worse than having no coffee in the house: Having tons of coffee, and no coffee filters. I was SURE I had some filters in here somewhere.
Nope.
Then I remembered seeing that old vintage coffee perculator deep in the back corner of the bottom of the cupboard beside the sink. Wasn't really sure it would even work, it's probably from the early 50's.
Nice sound to wake up to, I feel like I should be smoking a pipe now, reading the paper and all smelling of brylle cream.
This is the beginning of what is about to be a 4 day stretch of long and stressful hours. Its the final wrap up on one of the residential projects we were working on (work in the house has been going on for the last 8 months) Now it's my job to take everything and make it all talk nice to eachother. Security cameras, remote controlled gates, distributed audio through all the rooms of the house, fireplace control, 3 different TiVO systems, digital projectors, Plasma televisions, MP3 players, DVD etc etc etc...
All of this equipment comes back to a single processor in the main rack in the theatre, and I write the code that controls all that stuff. It's actually pretty fun, but I just don't always like doing the final stuff on site because invariably these rich folk don't seem to ever have to go anywhere which means they are looking over my shoulder the entire time I am sitting there hackity tap tapping on my laptop.
I've been warned that this particular pair that own this house are a little bit on the difficult side.
Well, by Friday I am hoping to be mostly done. Then it's our staff xmas party, and then the SG christmas party the day after that.
I am starting to get a bit of a bad feeling about my own Christmas this year. I think for the first time in my life I may actually be spending it without family. Maybe I even want to, but Im not sure about that.
I see glimpses of what I am supposed to do about this Nasty R situation and those glimpses when they ring true to me, are glimpses of me still not reacting.
I suppose my inability to reply to her request for meeting Morgan yesterday was a reaction.
I just couldnt bring myself to see her though, I just wanted absolutely nothing to do with her in any way.
But I went back and re-read an old old post yesterday, and it suddenly dawned on me that I still should know whats right.
When you thought you knew a person and then you are suddenly confronted with this alien, nasty creature for the first time, you are in for quite a shock. However, its more important to observe it in yourself than in someone else. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself, in whatever form it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship, and so on. Catch it the moment it awakens from its dormant state. The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, become you and live through you. I needs to get its food through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness. So the pain-body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.
And that rang true. The emails shes been sending me and the harsh actions really have been shockingly heartless and cruel, yes, I am still in utter shock at the depth of her hatred, and no I dont understand where it comes from. Yes, it really hit me so so deep inside that at times I really have to fight to just be able to get up and go to work, I am so fucking heartbroken over this treatment, and now I find a real anger coming up at times. These are the things that I looked at when I did not allow myself to type a response and plan to meet her yesterday to drop off the dog.
I was concerned that she would just continue to walk all over me if I kept bowing down to her demands, not reacting to her treatment, she would think I was so so fucking weak. Well guess what, Im not. I was thinking.
But last night it dawned on me that actually reacting to her treatment of me this way, taking a stand and pushing back, or even just backing away and cutting off contact with her, is actually demonstrating more weakness than continuing to just be the same way I always have been.
Shell perceive it as weakness, but whatever. For me to react to what her fucked up perception has become would just strengthen and further complicate this game shes trying to play.
No, no, Im going to maintain this. And I dont care if she sees it or not. I see it.
I just have to continue to do what I know is right. Just try to let all of her attacks go right through me without hitting any matter. It will most likely increase her anger, but that's her problem. It has nothing to do with me.
I saw some saying the other day, and I cant remember exactly how it went, but it was along the lines of :
Funny thing about wargames, the only way to win is to not play.
I never would have foreseen the amount of energy one needs to expend
To be conscious.
I never would have weaned the enemy in me
i hope I am a good influence on you sometimes.
i really really hope for me to be a bouy.
a bobbing signpost in the waves of the black void.
i'm not so vain to be a lighthouse
damn, this thing is cool.
Woke up this morning to the only thing worse than having no coffee in the house: Having tons of coffee, and no coffee filters. I was SURE I had some filters in here somewhere.
Nope.
Then I remembered seeing that old vintage coffee perculator deep in the back corner of the bottom of the cupboard beside the sink. Wasn't really sure it would even work, it's probably from the early 50's.
Nice sound to wake up to, I feel like I should be smoking a pipe now, reading the paper and all smelling of brylle cream.
This is the beginning of what is about to be a 4 day stretch of long and stressful hours. Its the final wrap up on one of the residential projects we were working on (work in the house has been going on for the last 8 months) Now it's my job to take everything and make it all talk nice to eachother. Security cameras, remote controlled gates, distributed audio through all the rooms of the house, fireplace control, 3 different TiVO systems, digital projectors, Plasma televisions, MP3 players, DVD etc etc etc...
All of this equipment comes back to a single processor in the main rack in the theatre, and I write the code that controls all that stuff. It's actually pretty fun, but I just don't always like doing the final stuff on site because invariably these rich folk don't seem to ever have to go anywhere which means they are looking over my shoulder the entire time I am sitting there hackity tap tapping on my laptop.
I've been warned that this particular pair that own this house are a little bit on the difficult side.
Well, by Friday I am hoping to be mostly done. Then it's our staff xmas party, and then the SG christmas party the day after that.
I am starting to get a bit of a bad feeling about my own Christmas this year. I think for the first time in my life I may actually be spending it without family. Maybe I even want to, but Im not sure about that.
I see glimpses of what I am supposed to do about this Nasty R situation and those glimpses when they ring true to me, are glimpses of me still not reacting.
I suppose my inability to reply to her request for meeting Morgan yesterday was a reaction.
I just couldnt bring myself to see her though, I just wanted absolutely nothing to do with her in any way.
But I went back and re-read an old old post yesterday, and it suddenly dawned on me that I still should know whats right.
When you thought you knew a person and then you are suddenly confronted with this alien, nasty creature for the first time, you are in for quite a shock. However, its more important to observe it in yourself than in someone else. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself, in whatever form it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship, and so on. Catch it the moment it awakens from its dormant state. The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, become you and live through you. I needs to get its food through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness. So the pain-body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.
And that rang true. The emails shes been sending me and the harsh actions really have been shockingly heartless and cruel, yes, I am still in utter shock at the depth of her hatred, and no I dont understand where it comes from. Yes, it really hit me so so deep inside that at times I really have to fight to just be able to get up and go to work, I am so fucking heartbroken over this treatment, and now I find a real anger coming up at times. These are the things that I looked at when I did not allow myself to type a response and plan to meet her yesterday to drop off the dog.
I was concerned that she would just continue to walk all over me if I kept bowing down to her demands, not reacting to her treatment, she would think I was so so fucking weak. Well guess what, Im not. I was thinking.
But last night it dawned on me that actually reacting to her treatment of me this way, taking a stand and pushing back, or even just backing away and cutting off contact with her, is actually demonstrating more weakness than continuing to just be the same way I always have been.
Shell perceive it as weakness, but whatever. For me to react to what her fucked up perception has become would just strengthen and further complicate this game shes trying to play.
No, no, Im going to maintain this. And I dont care if she sees it or not. I see it.
I just have to continue to do what I know is right. Just try to let all of her attacks go right through me without hitting any matter. It will most likely increase her anger, but that's her problem. It has nothing to do with me.
I saw some saying the other day, and I cant remember exactly how it went, but it was along the lines of :
Funny thing about wargames, the only way to win is to not play.
Is that from that Matthew Broderick movie of the same name?
You are indeed right. "smile and wave" not literally of course but inside. DO what you know is right for you. It'll either burn her up or she'll melt slowly. At least you won't be carrying around this resentment for her like your friend has for his ex and projecting it on others if you would have just walked away from it all at once. VERY wise Shaun, thanks for the outlook.