pica_pica

I made African groundnut stew last night and rented Powaqqatsi and Naqoyqatsi. The stew was great and my xbox wouldnt play Naqoyqatsi.

Hmm, what to do, what to do Quitting smoking again. Woke up yesterday with 3 cigarettes left in my pack so I smoked those first thing in the morning and bought no more. I am noticing that I am feeling a little bit stir crazy. Thats an incredibly vague term, but what I mean by it is that I dont know what to do from day to day. I dont know what my goals are. I am pretty sure I know what my values are, but as I am sitting here on an overcast Sunday morning, I cannot see my Wednesday. I can see that I have much laundry to do, the bedroom could be cleaned up markedly, the corner by the litter box etc etc etc. Menial tasks which on one hand feel somewhat impotent because they arent permanent (Much like quitting smoking has been), and on the other hand.... I can't find the other hand just yet.

The biggest part behind this loss of future feel is the no old friends bit. There is just a loss of grounding when all the people you thought loved you no longer and suddenly appear to.

Earlier in this process, I forced myself to imagine this as the period following her death in order to gain a different perspective on where I was in my life right now I had to ask myself what would I be doing differently if she had died? It was a harsh question, and so difficult to actually get my head around it to imagine it, but once I actually lived out the day of the funeral, actually lived the wake of her, I was hit with some powerful realizations regarding the choices I had made in the past with her. Originally I put myself through that process to come up with a more grounded perspective on what I should be focusing on. If I didnt actually have her silence out there as something that could one day break back into words, I would no longer have the reason to try so hard to make that happen. I wouldnt be concentrating so hard on what shes feeling, what shes doing and how shes treating me.
Well, the process ended up being a bit of a hidden double whammy because I lived that wake so fully, with such an aroma of reality, that not only did I come out of it with a new perspective on how I should be living my life now, but I was hit with a deep regret over some of the stupid things that were said and done during our lives together. That part snuck up on me, disguised as the Trojan horse of sorrow, only to be filled with the soldiers of guilt, the army of regret.

Still, it did give me a fresh perspective, and I suddenly realized not only the futility of putting so much energy into something I cant change, but I actually saw how damaging and unhealthy the end result would be for my own sanity to continue living so fully in the quest to change the way shes treating me.

I hate using the phrase dawned on me.
The ironic thing is something I just woke up to:
With the email good-bye I received this week, the last candle of my past went out.
I put all that energy into trying to live the day of her funeral, surrounded by our friends and family at her wake, only to now realize that to every person I placed in that wake, I am the one thats dead.

I felt that chrysalis slime on the steering wheel yesterday, but I didn't fully understand why I saw it there. Now I think I get it, this stripping of me, the shedding of them and me not seeing a wednesday is really all because I really have just been slain. Not mortally, perhaps not even socially, but it's a death none-the-less.

So this is me now crawling out of that radioactive tank of green bubbling goop that some arch enemy nemesis type character threw me into in the hopes of creating my demise.
The world has changed I see, and I suppose it's just going to take me a little time to get my bearings and figure out what type of suit and special powers I am going to have.