pica_pica

sigh, nobody is here anymore.

I came rushing home from work tonight, hoping to find some comments, I guess I've gone on and on about this long enough, and I've depressed you all to the point where there's nothing left for you to say.
I feel so lame.
it's friday night here, it's pouring rain out there, absolutely torrential. I have no plans. Really, I just want to go up to the liquor store and grab a six pack and come home here and smoke tons of cigarettes and drink myself to sleep.

I am seeing some weird link to my decision to bring the dog to her yesterday and my loss of resolve on the gym and the smoking. Almost a self destructive collapse. Or something like that. I think there was something inside me last week that pulled all the anger and disappointment from being treated so badly by her and pushed it into a forward moving direction. I took that anger and resentment, and pushed myself away from her. I realized at one point last week that for my own sanity, I would have to stay away. I would have to cut her out of it all.
But yesterday, I knew the RIGHT thing to do was let her see the dog. why is this so complicated?

Somehow, me going back on that, and making myself take the dog to her.... that has somehow weakened me. It's turned me back somehow.
It's an interesting psychological result, but unfortunately I am not able to stand back and observe the reaction in the test subject, because I am that subject.

It did something bad to me. verrrry interesting.

I'll think about what that could be later. But not right now. Not now as wish to build the most beautiful suicide machine man has ever created.