pica_pica

I alluded to this earlier, that I was going through a major battle in my head between right and wrong.
The problem being, I don't know which is which right now.

Normally, I just vent here. I walk up to my keyboard, slice a part of my arm that's far enough away from yesterdays slice, and squirt a few lines up onto the screen then wrap it up, and walk away for another day.
Tonight, I'm actually asking for input here, I'm torn. I don't know what to do.

I know I've gone on and on about how we had nothing nasty going on between us before the breakup. I know I've gone on and on about how I am trying to remain on the right path here, to create no new regret, and to always do the right thing. To treat her with respect and blah blah blah. Well, I think I'm coming to the end of that. If I am not already there.
Let me interject for a second there. I am not an idiot. I am not oblivious to the email action I pulled off mid August. Those 120 seconds of my life SUCK and I am not going to discount the possibility that they have a large part to do with the way she is acting now. Nonetheless, after 12 years, I'm sure she knows what I am capable of and what is completely out of character for me. She, unfortunately, doesn't know that the main trigger that pushed me into her hotmail inbox was the news that came to me that she was NOT going to step up for Morgan. She swears to me that she never said that. Course, I was going on the word of my best friend at the time, who may have had his own issues. AAAaaaanyways....

I didn't get any email last week regarding a setup of another dog meeting. It's been 2 weeks now since the last one, and that was the only one. Of course, I am still abiding by her rule, the one where she emailed me stating that only she can initiate contact, and only about Morgan. I am not allowed to email her suggesting a time for the dog meetings.

Simple point here is this: after 2 weeks of waiting, I got email from her on Monday morning again, 2 days ago. Here it is in it's entirety:


I would like to be able to see Morgan. I was thinking Wednesday or Thursday this week. If this is agreeable to you, then I think same meeting place to pick him up and drop him off, as well as same time frame, (6-9) as that seemed to work well for both of us. Let me know.

The charge for the courier was $9. I can either take off dog food next time, or you can give me the $ in order to keep things separate.


The $9 dollars is in regards to the courier charge of her sending me my apartment keys. I had emailed her on Wednesday morning asking for her to courier my set over. I didn't get a response to that email, nor did I recieve the keys.
Thursday morning, I email her another one liner:

Just making sure you got the last email requesting my apartment keys. Can you let me know what's happening with that?
Thanks in advance,


again, I don't get a response.
Finally, that afternoon, a courier arrives with an envelope. simply my keys inside.

Ok, well, I think that's just rude. I simply don't understand the lack of the most basic respect here. Am I wrong? Or is that rude?

So anyways, I get this email Monday morning requesting a meeting with the dog, and I simply don't know what to say in response. I don't respond on Monday. I don't respond on Tuesday, and then I realize that she will most likely just assume that I am trying to play some immature 'ooo I am going to make her wait' game with her, but in reality I just don't know what I am going to do. So today, I respond. STILL making sure that I keep a level of respect in the email and let her know that I did get the email, and then I apologize for taking so long to respond:

I got this email, Sorry it took me so long to respond.

This is not going to work for me this week. There are some things I need to sort out.

The nine dollars is relatively inconsequential, that can be sorted out at a later date.

Ill let you know what I come up with.


Well, of course, she doens't respond. At least not yet. I really don't expect her to.

Basically, I'm sorting out whether or not I can even have her in my life at this point in time. At all.

I am finding her way of dealing with this period of time to be waaaay too disrespectful. I just can't handle it. I feel like for me to continue being the nice guy in the face of this constant passive aggressive attack, I am going to end up feeling/looking like an absolute schmuck. a pushover, lose respect for myself. For me to continue "doing the right thing" in the face of this, .. i just don't know if I can.

So what are my options?

Well, what I would really like to do is explain it to her. Explain how I am feeling and where I am at with all this, and then let her know that I am at the point of having to make a decision as to whether or not I can keep in any contact with her whatsoever. For my own sanity.
That kinda breaks the rules though, doesn't it?

I really don't think I am involved with somebody here that is capable of hearing any of the words I could put together for that explanation. She'd probably assume I was trying to "manipulate the situation" again, as she has said in a recent email to me.

Ok so what's the right thing to do?
I don't want to be viewed as "holding Morgan back" and this would not be that at all. It would be an unfortunately side effect of having to cut all ties with her, but it's not the focus. not the means to the end.
I really feel like I need to explain to her how I'm feeling. I would like to tell her how fucked I think it is that she feels that she can email me "rules" that she lays out, and that I am supposed to abide by them, yet I do not have any of my own rights. I want to tell her that I am not ok with that, I want to clear the air about some of the things that she has said in emails to me, and then ended the email by telling me that I am not allowed to respond about the topics she had brought up.
I want to be open and honest, and tell her that I am at my breaking point here, but that totally seems like it's breaking all the rules for this type of thing. How fucked is that?

Or, do I just keep keeping shut up, let her meet me at the predestined time and place, let her pick up the dog for her 3 hours, and continue to let her treat me like shit until hell freezes over or the dog dies. Whichever comes first?