I guess I have some seriously strong beliefs regarding this entire thing, and perhaps writing you an email will do better what my spoken words have thus far been failing to do.
I definitely hear you say that I want to get back together with her. From a history perspective, I can understand you thinking that simply due to the scientific breakdown of cause and effect over the last 8 years. I can understand how it would appear to follow a perfect pattern over and over.
The breakup after the 1998 infidelity was devastating, for her even more-so than it was for me. During that time it made her realize how much she loved me and it was unfortunate that it took such a terrible thing to make her realize, but she fought extremely hard to get me back after that, and at the time, I wasnt completely sure that I didnt want her back. That was 6 years ago, and we were both pretty fucked up.
Then I come back from the training camp. Break up with her following the hugest promise I had ever made to myself.
She doesnt move out though. She stays here for another 6 weeks before finding an apartment, then another 3 months after finding it. During those 4 months, I totally buckle, we fall back into the co-dependent unhealthy need for each other again.
Two breakups, both my decision, and both times she is able to convince me through her tears and sorrow that we need to try again.
The first time after the infidelity, I really really wanted it to work out. I was completely willing to give it another shot. I did not beat myself up for staying with her, but I did start to recognize that perhaps there was something with us that wasnt quite right, but we had somehow created these patterns between us that were not going to simply change one day, and now there was an added dimension of distrust.
The second time, when I came back from the camp, that was different. That was based on a realization that I had started to come to over the 4 years leading up to it that we were just so wrong for eachother in a relationship. I loved her immensely, but there was something missing in us that was of utmost importance. Well, I buckled and took her back. The very moment I did that I knew it was the wrong decision. As soon as the words left my mouth that we could try it again, I felt terrible. 2 years ago!
I ended up living the next 2 years of my life in a constant struggle with everything that was me. I watched myself decline into a world I would never wish upon my worst enemy. It was absolutely cancerous and not only was I treating myself very very badly, I wasnt giving her anywhere near the amount of love I should have been. I was turning into a person I did not like. At all. I also saw changes in her.
One of the major issues in our relationship was a lack of communication. Its difficult to explain what I mean by that, but I could not get any deep connection to her when it came time to discuss a difficult situation. She would lock up somewhere inside and no longer be able to talk honestly. When things got tough with emotional confrontation, her brain would go into some foreign mode and the things that came out of her mouth would make no sense at all. I would say
the sky is blue
and she would respond so what youre saying, is that the sky is green.
no, I said the sky is blue
Yeah, but I can tell by the tone in your voice that you mean the sky is green
We would just bash heads like that for about 2 hours in a discussion and eventually I would just drop the topic all together because she couldnt listen to me without running my words through some strange filter in her head. Its very difficult to explain, but after realizing that our inability to communicate was at the base of our problems, I worked so fucking hard to get deep down inside my own head to make sure that even though I was really angry at the moment, the words I chose were exactly what I meant. Totally honest with my motives and emotions with her and what I would get back was a reaction to her distorted view of what I just said. It sucked and it happened every single time we talked. I began to realize that this was not going to change, and it was very likely the reason I had been dying in the relationship.
People do crazy stuff sometimes or they say things that they don't really mean sometimes, without even realizing what was behind the action or words in the first place. I want to be in a relationship where the person I am with is at least cognitive of that possiblity, and doesn't feel attacked if I push for them to question it sometimes. I want them to see me in the same way, and call me out when they hear me saying something or doing something that may be at the far end of some whacked out psychological process of mine. We didnt have that and we werent going to get it.
I still loved her, I loved her greatly, and in many ways she was like my best friend through a lot of difficult shit, and I was hers. I could see very clearly though, that after two attempts at trying again there was not going to be a third. We had just spent the last 12 years of our lives together, 1/3 of my natural life so far, shared so much together and knew each other so well, but I absolutely had to break it off for the sake of both of us. She wasnt going to do it, but it absolutely had to be done. To save our lives, I had to break up with her. It is very simple:
Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
So it pains me somewhat to hear you consistently tell me that I am wanting her back. I made this decision with 2 years of thought behind it and the priceless experience of knowing what happened the last 2 times I tried, and the results of those failures.
Like I said, I can understand your kneejerk reaction to at first assume that the pattern is solidly repeatable after witnessing it twice from your perspective, but there is a whole other side to it that is much more human that points to our ability to learn from pain.
I break up with her once, get back together not really knowing if I should or not. I regret it.
I break up with her again, get back together REALLY not thinking that I should, I totally regret it and I begin to witness how badly that affects me in all aspects of my life.
After 2 years of contemplation, I break up with her the third time a depth of conviction now that is suddenly life or death. There is no going back.
People change, people grow, people learn.
Please stop telling me that my motive is to get back together with her.
I cannot stress more how incorrect that is.
I mentioned to you the other week how I found an old journal from 1998 that I wrote just after the first breakup. How it sounded so much like something I could have written a month ago. You used that as an example to demonstrate the pattern here, but what I guess I failed to tell you was what I was actually writing in that journal.
I go on to lament the lack of connection, the spiritual death I was feeling underneath it all, and every now and then for a few lines on a page, I praise the bright future waiting for my new self.
What I was writing in that journal was all the reasons for breaking up with her. All the things that I saw as wrong with our ability to connect, to communicate. I was trying to weigh out the pros and cons of who we were as a couple. It didnt look good. When I say that it blew me away that I could have written it a month ago, what I mean is that every single thing I was complaining about back then, I was still complaining about 3 months ago. I have been living this need to break up for 6 years!
Yes there was insecurity and uncertainty in my decision in those old pages, but that was also the first time. That was the first breakup. I did not have the clarity of experience I have now with the results of my failures to stick to it.
Anyways, enough said about my current state. I hope you can now understand that I am in absolutely no way wanting to get back together with her, so perhaps now you will be able to better understand my real issues with what has been going on during these last 7 weeks.
My apparent confusion and Im sure you can sense a bit of anger brewing. Heres why:
Our lives were mostly fine. We got along through just about everything. We had the same likes and dislikes for most things with the odd exception like her inability to do anything water based, or outdoorsy There is no way we would have been able to stay together for 12 years if we were not compatible in 90% of our existence. We loved each other and we have shared a lot of good things. However, that remaining 10% sucked. That remaining 10% was also extremely important, and without it, the other 90% just wasnt ever going to be enough to make either one of us happy. We were both headed down a nasty slope, and I KNOW she wasnt happy for a long long time. Neither one of us was.
She saw the breakup coming, she was fearing it for months, if not years. I know she can also see the value in it. I know that she understands that it really was the best thing for us to do.
No, it wasnt / isnt fucking easy. She made a comment to me once a few months ago when we were talking hypothetically about if we broke up and she said she saw me drinking a ton and shagging tons of women. I told her that in actuality, the exact opposite would most likely happen. I need to get my life together, I saw where I was heading with myself as I struggled inside the confines of that relationship, and if it ever ended, my excuse ended. ( I didnt say that part to her) I have been on that road since the breakup. Ive lost 33 pounds, Im going to the gym again, Im writing again, my place is clean and my laundry is done. I am feeling a sense of positive vibes coming from the future for me now.
I made a point of waiting for her to get hired on with the new job before I did this to make sure that she was in a good place and feeling secure in her future. Maybe that was a shitty thing to do waiting for that, but I wanted to support her through that period and make sure that everything was relatively bright for her before yanking the rug out from under her.
Yes I am still struggling with the pain of the death of the co-dependency, yes I am totally lonely a lot of the time, but that has a lot to do with losing my best friend over this too. This was never meant to be an easy thing to do. I knew it wasnt going to be. I was fucking terrified to actually go through with it but I knew I had no other options.
The fact remains though, it wasnt messy. It was a logical decision that I finally had to make out of love for both of us. I know a day will come in the future, maybe 2 years down the road, where Robyn looks back on this and realizes that this was the best thing I ever did for her. I did it for me too, first and foremost. but yes, I did it out of love for her as well.
We did not have any nasty shit to deal with, and I think we had a lot of time to prepare mentally for what lay ahead.
So that brings us to the period of time that is now. The period of time after the breakup. We are adults. We arent 20 anymore. Stuff happens in life that is difficult, but you just have to stand up and do whats right. There is no room for psychological games in this stage of life. At least there shouldnt be. I would hope that people have the ability to leave that crap behind on their 30th birthday and be able to wake up every day and know that another 24 hours just went by with the security of knowing that they have dealt with people around them with respect, love and honesty.
Her and I are both aware that this is the right thing to do, but there is no reason behind its occurrence that should bring up anger or hatred. If anger or hatred comes bubbling up to the surface in either one of us during this time, we both have to have the ability to see it as a possible defense mechanism shrouding the inevitable pain that is coming from the death of the co-dependency. Neither one of us thus far have anything to be angry about, we have nothing to hate in the other person. We left that period in Love, and we left it because we both knew we had to.
So we still have a dog together, we still have bills that we are both responsible for, we have silly little things like keys.
Yes its difficult to see her, and I imagine it could be difficult for her to see me. No I dont want to hang out with her right now, I dont want to go for coffee, drinks, I dont want to talk to her on the phone every day and hear how her day at work was. I dont want to know about her dating somebody else, and Im sure she wouldnt want to know about me dating somebody else.
But due to the fact that we have left the relationship under honest and realistic terms, we left under the umbrella of Love and respect for one another, the day before the breakup we were best friends. There is nothing to be angry about. I would expect a modicum of decency and respect for each other as we both go through this difficult time.
I wrote in my journal way back when a quote from Carl Jung that still rings totally true to me:
"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering."
Yes, I see in myself the ability to react with anger during this time. When I gave her the letter asking her to contact me because there was something she needed to know about Morgan, and then I heard from best buddy there that she was absolutely not going to respond, ever I lost it. Yes, I got totally angry. Angry because there was no reason for her to be shutting Morgan out. If she was completely unable to contact me regarding the dogs health due to her inability to deal with the pain of our break up, I could not understand that. It seemed completely out of character for her. Fucking grow up! I said.
There was never any rule about no contact. The day she left here, I simply allowed her her space. I wasnt about to phone her, or email her, or attempt to contact her in any way. I left the ball in her court, so to speak. She said over and over throughout the years that if we ever broke up, she would never want to see me again because it would be too painful. Well, even though she was in her 20s when she said that, I gave her that this time. I knew she needed to be over there thinking, I did not want to confuse her time alone by popping back up into her days while she tried to figure out where she was headed.
A month passed though, and that is definitely long enough to get over the shock of what just happened. Due to the fact that we did not actually have any nasty shit going on between us, I assumed that she would be mature enough to understand that we were first and foremost friends, and as difficult as it may be, we would have to remain in relative contact due to things like Morgan. We hadnt done anything to each other that was terrible and mean, we didnt have an abusive past, we just needed to not be together. Love was still behind it, and there is no real justification for anger. Yet somehow, I was beginning to glimpse extremely angry actions in her. For what? Its not based on anything.
So thats where I stand now. There is absolutely no reason for her silence. What I want for her through this time is for her to be able to grow personally, to regain a sense of self, a sense of self respect and confidence. We had problems with communication throughout our relationship, that sucked. We both need to start this period of our lives in reality, we both need to be doing what is right. If I email her asking her to send me my keys, I would expect that she would be able to respond to that email with the decency and respect of at least a simple verification that she got the email.
no sorry, I really did throw them out.
Or
yes, I got that email, I am putting them in an envelope right now, you should get them delivered this afternoon
Thats it. Simple respect. There is no valid reason for anything but. Any other reaction that I am currently forced to deal with appears to me to be so immature. I want us both to be able to grow through this period, to become better people. We both need to accept the reality of what we are going through, and not enable ourselves to add anything to it to repaint it into something we require. Something that can match the fake reality we have created in order to simplify the process and remove the pain. It would be very easy for me to try to paint Robyn out to be a nasty bitch that fucked my best friend, good riddance. But I know in my heart that that is not who she is. It would also be easy for her to paint me out to be a fucking psycho stalker that hacked into her email and now she has to fear for her personal safety as she said in an email to me, but I know she knows thats not who I am. Those false images though, as much as they may help with smoothing over this painful process of loss, are wrong. They are totally based on shit, and neither one of us should allow them to creep into the process. Dealing with this time honestly, and knowing the truth about what we are going through, thats fucking difficult, but its real. I have to go through this in reality.
There is absolutely no reason for her to be shutting me down from basic fundamental communication. That is all I am expecting, and there is no reason I shouldnt expect it. If she is unable to be real throughout this period, it makes me really really sad. Of course, Ill have to deal with that reality, that perhaps she has allowed herself to manufacture this false image of me as this terrible person that she needs to get away from, perhaps she will build up a monstrous picture of me as somebody that she is absolutely losing nothing in, and she will need to focus on this new image of who I am not in order to move on. But that is so wrong. So unhealthy, and so not what I was wanting to happen in her self when I gave her the gift of breaking up.
Legitimate suffering.
That is what is upsetting me. The possibility that she is not going through this with a realistic understanding of where we are coming from. Of where I am.
So when I asked you today what advice you may have given her, I was first and foremost concerned that you thought that I have been over here at my place desperately waiting for discussions with her in order to get her back. I was concerned that your advice to her would be to not drop me any lines at all. Hes desperately waiting for something from you, dont falter, dont feed his addiction
Dont give him anything to hope on. Keep on movin on girl, you are strong and on the right track.
But in all honesty, I just want to be able to move on without any false shit in the way. It wasnt there before the breakup, and it shouldnt be created now. Yes, it is extremely difficult to deal with each other through all this emotional turmoil, but the only healthy thing to do is to accept that it is what it is, its going to be hard. Accept the fact that we shouldnt hate each other, and in the face of that move on with no regrets. Dont create something now that wasnt there to begin with, dont create regret.
So from this point forth, lets not do anything stupid. Stand up and do whats right. Yes its hard, but such is life.
Well fuck, I hope I explained myself somewhat well enough, I kind of dont think I have. I just want to be clear that it is extremely important to me that her and I have the maturity and ability go through this process from a basis of reality, truth, friendship and respect. I have not been sensing that lately, and that is what is making me really sad.
_______________________________
this is from an email I wrote a friend today, he responded that I am wrong.
Am I wrong in this?
I definitely hear you say that I want to get back together with her. From a history perspective, I can understand you thinking that simply due to the scientific breakdown of cause and effect over the last 8 years. I can understand how it would appear to follow a perfect pattern over and over.
The breakup after the 1998 infidelity was devastating, for her even more-so than it was for me. During that time it made her realize how much she loved me and it was unfortunate that it took such a terrible thing to make her realize, but she fought extremely hard to get me back after that, and at the time, I wasnt completely sure that I didnt want her back. That was 6 years ago, and we were both pretty fucked up.
Then I come back from the training camp. Break up with her following the hugest promise I had ever made to myself.
She doesnt move out though. She stays here for another 6 weeks before finding an apartment, then another 3 months after finding it. During those 4 months, I totally buckle, we fall back into the co-dependent unhealthy need for each other again.
Two breakups, both my decision, and both times she is able to convince me through her tears and sorrow that we need to try again.
The first time after the infidelity, I really really wanted it to work out. I was completely willing to give it another shot. I did not beat myself up for staying with her, but I did start to recognize that perhaps there was something with us that wasnt quite right, but we had somehow created these patterns between us that were not going to simply change one day, and now there was an added dimension of distrust.
The second time, when I came back from the camp, that was different. That was based on a realization that I had started to come to over the 4 years leading up to it that we were just so wrong for eachother in a relationship. I loved her immensely, but there was something missing in us that was of utmost importance. Well, I buckled and took her back. The very moment I did that I knew it was the wrong decision. As soon as the words left my mouth that we could try it again, I felt terrible. 2 years ago!
I ended up living the next 2 years of my life in a constant struggle with everything that was me. I watched myself decline into a world I would never wish upon my worst enemy. It was absolutely cancerous and not only was I treating myself very very badly, I wasnt giving her anywhere near the amount of love I should have been. I was turning into a person I did not like. At all. I also saw changes in her.
One of the major issues in our relationship was a lack of communication. Its difficult to explain what I mean by that, but I could not get any deep connection to her when it came time to discuss a difficult situation. She would lock up somewhere inside and no longer be able to talk honestly. When things got tough with emotional confrontation, her brain would go into some foreign mode and the things that came out of her mouth would make no sense at all. I would say
the sky is blue
and she would respond so what youre saying, is that the sky is green.
no, I said the sky is blue
Yeah, but I can tell by the tone in your voice that you mean the sky is green
We would just bash heads like that for about 2 hours in a discussion and eventually I would just drop the topic all together because she couldnt listen to me without running my words through some strange filter in her head. Its very difficult to explain, but after realizing that our inability to communicate was at the base of our problems, I worked so fucking hard to get deep down inside my own head to make sure that even though I was really angry at the moment, the words I chose were exactly what I meant. Totally honest with my motives and emotions with her and what I would get back was a reaction to her distorted view of what I just said. It sucked and it happened every single time we talked. I began to realize that this was not going to change, and it was very likely the reason I had been dying in the relationship.
People do crazy stuff sometimes or they say things that they don't really mean sometimes, without even realizing what was behind the action or words in the first place. I want to be in a relationship where the person I am with is at least cognitive of that possiblity, and doesn't feel attacked if I push for them to question it sometimes. I want them to see me in the same way, and call me out when they hear me saying something or doing something that may be at the far end of some whacked out psychological process of mine. We didnt have that and we werent going to get it.
I still loved her, I loved her greatly, and in many ways she was like my best friend through a lot of difficult shit, and I was hers. I could see very clearly though, that after two attempts at trying again there was not going to be a third. We had just spent the last 12 years of our lives together, 1/3 of my natural life so far, shared so much together and knew each other so well, but I absolutely had to break it off for the sake of both of us. She wasnt going to do it, but it absolutely had to be done. To save our lives, I had to break up with her. It is very simple:
Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
So it pains me somewhat to hear you consistently tell me that I am wanting her back. I made this decision with 2 years of thought behind it and the priceless experience of knowing what happened the last 2 times I tried, and the results of those failures.
Like I said, I can understand your kneejerk reaction to at first assume that the pattern is solidly repeatable after witnessing it twice from your perspective, but there is a whole other side to it that is much more human that points to our ability to learn from pain.
I break up with her once, get back together not really knowing if I should or not. I regret it.
I break up with her again, get back together REALLY not thinking that I should, I totally regret it and I begin to witness how badly that affects me in all aspects of my life.
After 2 years of contemplation, I break up with her the third time a depth of conviction now that is suddenly life or death. There is no going back.
People change, people grow, people learn.
Please stop telling me that my motive is to get back together with her.
I cannot stress more how incorrect that is.
I mentioned to you the other week how I found an old journal from 1998 that I wrote just after the first breakup. How it sounded so much like something I could have written a month ago. You used that as an example to demonstrate the pattern here, but what I guess I failed to tell you was what I was actually writing in that journal.
I go on to lament the lack of connection, the spiritual death I was feeling underneath it all, and every now and then for a few lines on a page, I praise the bright future waiting for my new self.
What I was writing in that journal was all the reasons for breaking up with her. All the things that I saw as wrong with our ability to connect, to communicate. I was trying to weigh out the pros and cons of who we were as a couple. It didnt look good. When I say that it blew me away that I could have written it a month ago, what I mean is that every single thing I was complaining about back then, I was still complaining about 3 months ago. I have been living this need to break up for 6 years!
Yes there was insecurity and uncertainty in my decision in those old pages, but that was also the first time. That was the first breakup. I did not have the clarity of experience I have now with the results of my failures to stick to it.
Anyways, enough said about my current state. I hope you can now understand that I am in absolutely no way wanting to get back together with her, so perhaps now you will be able to better understand my real issues with what has been going on during these last 7 weeks.
My apparent confusion and Im sure you can sense a bit of anger brewing. Heres why:
Our lives were mostly fine. We got along through just about everything. We had the same likes and dislikes for most things with the odd exception like her inability to do anything water based, or outdoorsy There is no way we would have been able to stay together for 12 years if we were not compatible in 90% of our existence. We loved each other and we have shared a lot of good things. However, that remaining 10% sucked. That remaining 10% was also extremely important, and without it, the other 90% just wasnt ever going to be enough to make either one of us happy. We were both headed down a nasty slope, and I KNOW she wasnt happy for a long long time. Neither one of us was.
She saw the breakup coming, she was fearing it for months, if not years. I know she can also see the value in it. I know that she understands that it really was the best thing for us to do.
No, it wasnt / isnt fucking easy. She made a comment to me once a few months ago when we were talking hypothetically about if we broke up and she said she saw me drinking a ton and shagging tons of women. I told her that in actuality, the exact opposite would most likely happen. I need to get my life together, I saw where I was heading with myself as I struggled inside the confines of that relationship, and if it ever ended, my excuse ended. ( I didnt say that part to her) I have been on that road since the breakup. Ive lost 33 pounds, Im going to the gym again, Im writing again, my place is clean and my laundry is done. I am feeling a sense of positive vibes coming from the future for me now.
I made a point of waiting for her to get hired on with the new job before I did this to make sure that she was in a good place and feeling secure in her future. Maybe that was a shitty thing to do waiting for that, but I wanted to support her through that period and make sure that everything was relatively bright for her before yanking the rug out from under her.
Yes I am still struggling with the pain of the death of the co-dependency, yes I am totally lonely a lot of the time, but that has a lot to do with losing my best friend over this too. This was never meant to be an easy thing to do. I knew it wasnt going to be. I was fucking terrified to actually go through with it but I knew I had no other options.
The fact remains though, it wasnt messy. It was a logical decision that I finally had to make out of love for both of us. I know a day will come in the future, maybe 2 years down the road, where Robyn looks back on this and realizes that this was the best thing I ever did for her. I did it for me too, first and foremost. but yes, I did it out of love for her as well.
We did not have any nasty shit to deal with, and I think we had a lot of time to prepare mentally for what lay ahead.
So that brings us to the period of time that is now. The period of time after the breakup. We are adults. We arent 20 anymore. Stuff happens in life that is difficult, but you just have to stand up and do whats right. There is no room for psychological games in this stage of life. At least there shouldnt be. I would hope that people have the ability to leave that crap behind on their 30th birthday and be able to wake up every day and know that another 24 hours just went by with the security of knowing that they have dealt with people around them with respect, love and honesty.
Her and I are both aware that this is the right thing to do, but there is no reason behind its occurrence that should bring up anger or hatred. If anger or hatred comes bubbling up to the surface in either one of us during this time, we both have to have the ability to see it as a possible defense mechanism shrouding the inevitable pain that is coming from the death of the co-dependency. Neither one of us thus far have anything to be angry about, we have nothing to hate in the other person. We left that period in Love, and we left it because we both knew we had to.
So we still have a dog together, we still have bills that we are both responsible for, we have silly little things like keys.
Yes its difficult to see her, and I imagine it could be difficult for her to see me. No I dont want to hang out with her right now, I dont want to go for coffee, drinks, I dont want to talk to her on the phone every day and hear how her day at work was. I dont want to know about her dating somebody else, and Im sure she wouldnt want to know about me dating somebody else.
But due to the fact that we have left the relationship under honest and realistic terms, we left under the umbrella of Love and respect for one another, the day before the breakup we were best friends. There is nothing to be angry about. I would expect a modicum of decency and respect for each other as we both go through this difficult time.
I wrote in my journal way back when a quote from Carl Jung that still rings totally true to me:
"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering."
Yes, I see in myself the ability to react with anger during this time. When I gave her the letter asking her to contact me because there was something she needed to know about Morgan, and then I heard from best buddy there that she was absolutely not going to respond, ever I lost it. Yes, I got totally angry. Angry because there was no reason for her to be shutting Morgan out. If she was completely unable to contact me regarding the dogs health due to her inability to deal with the pain of our break up, I could not understand that. It seemed completely out of character for her. Fucking grow up! I said.
There was never any rule about no contact. The day she left here, I simply allowed her her space. I wasnt about to phone her, or email her, or attempt to contact her in any way. I left the ball in her court, so to speak. She said over and over throughout the years that if we ever broke up, she would never want to see me again because it would be too painful. Well, even though she was in her 20s when she said that, I gave her that this time. I knew she needed to be over there thinking, I did not want to confuse her time alone by popping back up into her days while she tried to figure out where she was headed.
A month passed though, and that is definitely long enough to get over the shock of what just happened. Due to the fact that we did not actually have any nasty shit going on between us, I assumed that she would be mature enough to understand that we were first and foremost friends, and as difficult as it may be, we would have to remain in relative contact due to things like Morgan. We hadnt done anything to each other that was terrible and mean, we didnt have an abusive past, we just needed to not be together. Love was still behind it, and there is no real justification for anger. Yet somehow, I was beginning to glimpse extremely angry actions in her. For what? Its not based on anything.
So thats where I stand now. There is absolutely no reason for her silence. What I want for her through this time is for her to be able to grow personally, to regain a sense of self, a sense of self respect and confidence. We had problems with communication throughout our relationship, that sucked. We both need to start this period of our lives in reality, we both need to be doing what is right. If I email her asking her to send me my keys, I would expect that she would be able to respond to that email with the decency and respect of at least a simple verification that she got the email.
no sorry, I really did throw them out.
Or
yes, I got that email, I am putting them in an envelope right now, you should get them delivered this afternoon
Thats it. Simple respect. There is no valid reason for anything but. Any other reaction that I am currently forced to deal with appears to me to be so immature. I want us both to be able to grow through this period, to become better people. We both need to accept the reality of what we are going through, and not enable ourselves to add anything to it to repaint it into something we require. Something that can match the fake reality we have created in order to simplify the process and remove the pain. It would be very easy for me to try to paint Robyn out to be a nasty bitch that fucked my best friend, good riddance. But I know in my heart that that is not who she is. It would also be easy for her to paint me out to be a fucking psycho stalker that hacked into her email and now she has to fear for her personal safety as she said in an email to me, but I know she knows thats not who I am. Those false images though, as much as they may help with smoothing over this painful process of loss, are wrong. They are totally based on shit, and neither one of us should allow them to creep into the process. Dealing with this time honestly, and knowing the truth about what we are going through, thats fucking difficult, but its real. I have to go through this in reality.
There is absolutely no reason for her to be shutting me down from basic fundamental communication. That is all I am expecting, and there is no reason I shouldnt expect it. If she is unable to be real throughout this period, it makes me really really sad. Of course, Ill have to deal with that reality, that perhaps she has allowed herself to manufacture this false image of me as this terrible person that she needs to get away from, perhaps she will build up a monstrous picture of me as somebody that she is absolutely losing nothing in, and she will need to focus on this new image of who I am not in order to move on. But that is so wrong. So unhealthy, and so not what I was wanting to happen in her self when I gave her the gift of breaking up.
Legitimate suffering.
That is what is upsetting me. The possibility that she is not going through this with a realistic understanding of where we are coming from. Of where I am.
So when I asked you today what advice you may have given her, I was first and foremost concerned that you thought that I have been over here at my place desperately waiting for discussions with her in order to get her back. I was concerned that your advice to her would be to not drop me any lines at all. Hes desperately waiting for something from you, dont falter, dont feed his addiction
Dont give him anything to hope on. Keep on movin on girl, you are strong and on the right track.
But in all honesty, I just want to be able to move on without any false shit in the way. It wasnt there before the breakup, and it shouldnt be created now. Yes, it is extremely difficult to deal with each other through all this emotional turmoil, but the only healthy thing to do is to accept that it is what it is, its going to be hard. Accept the fact that we shouldnt hate each other, and in the face of that move on with no regrets. Dont create something now that wasnt there to begin with, dont create regret.
So from this point forth, lets not do anything stupid. Stand up and do whats right. Yes its hard, but such is life.
Well fuck, I hope I explained myself somewhat well enough, I kind of dont think I have. I just want to be clear that it is extremely important to me that her and I have the maturity and ability go through this process from a basis of reality, truth, friendship and respect. I have not been sensing that lately, and that is what is making me really sad.
_______________________________
this is from an email I wrote a friend today, he responded that I am wrong.
Am I wrong in this?
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"Good luck with your journey"
Ha, thanks, I think I need that. I hear that pink floyd sound bite right now from The Wall
"is there anybody out there?"
I think as far as me going on and on about the last 7 weeks is concerned though, Tonight is pretty much the end of that. I have to begin to resolve inside myself that she's just not able to do this the way I want her to do it. I could go on and on thinking about it, but I've had about enough of that.
I have to just understand the fact that I broke up with this person for some very real reasons. Those reasons were to do with her inability to react properly to life's shit. It was always very important to me that we both grew, and it was incredibly frustrating to stand by and watch her not grow, or to stand by and witness her being one of "them".
why then, am I so surprised and frustrated right now after the breakup, and she has simply continued to be herself?
zactly.
I totally agree with you. My ex and I are trying the friend thing out, and it's going relatively okay. More importantly (logistically, not emotionally), we're keeping the e-mail lines completely open for things like "I cancelled PG&E in my name today, you need to call them before tomorrow."
We were best friends for 6 years, and there was no hate or deception, etc. involved in our relationship. There's no reason we can't still maintain the same open communication we had for such a long time.