I forgot cold. Or at least painted it different in some romantic memory of life 20 years ago.
This is cold. I'm in Red Deer, been here since Monday and I left Vancouver with the blossoms of the cherry trees outside my apartment window tricking me into thinking it was snowing. I left with no gloves, a thin black jacket, few pairs of jeans and some T-Shirts. It's MARCH after all, right?
Here on family business, coming to see Gram. I'll not get into that as it's not great news, and it's much worse than I was expecting, but she remembers which one I am most of the time when I walk in to sit beside her bed. She wants to go home. She talks of people that have come to visit her today, and some of the names I find out are of people long dead. Today she talked about "The Store" and the girls and how they were fighting again last night.
I can only assume she meant the little store that her and grandpa used to own in a small town here in the prairies. Grandpas been dead a few years now, and they owned that store in the 40s.
The girls fighting must be her daughters: (My mom and my aunt.)
Moms been dead 23 years now.
Today she told me she saw somebody walking out of the room and then did a quick little left turn right past a coffin she said.
I hope they werent trying to tell me something she said with a smile.
Sometimes the nurses come in to see how she is doing, and gram will say something like
how are your girls doing? You have the nicest girls and the nurse will pause, then smile and say the girls are fine.
The nurse wont have any girls, but shell smile and go along with it.
thank you!ok, you let me know if you need anything
Then the nurse will turn and give me that little youre in on this too smile. A wink without winking, before leaving the room.
Its a tough thing to really handle and still know youre handling it right. I see people come in and listen to Gram say something they assume is a part of this sudden onset of what they are calling dementia that she didnt really have a month ago. They will instantly think Grams off in her world there and theyll go along with whatever Gram just asked them or commented on, not really communicating with her, just smiling and nodding.
Im not so sure Gram doesnt really know whats goin on though. Not so sure that when she says that the Heidecker boy came by to see her (whos been dead since 76) didnt really come by to see her.
It was so nice to see him, and he told me that its been really nice there at home and that I have nothing to worry about, he was always such a nice boy..
I dont wanna smile and nod and say yes Grandma, that Heidecker boy was a nice boy, wasnt he. Would you like some more tea?
No, I wanna ask her what else he said. I wanna ask her if he gave her any other updates about home. I want to converse with her, listen to her, let her tell me what shes saying and have her know that Im listening to her and believing her.
I mean, who knows?
Anyways, not a great reason to be here, but she introduced me properly this afternoon to a nice girl that was really there and she certainly has her moments where she certainly knows whats goin on. I cant say that shed have this ability in 2 more months.
I also cant say if its more important to me or her at this point that she knows who I am and remembers I was here at her bedside.
Probably me, but I hope her.
If theres an interest rate on memories, Ill get a much better return on this one than the one than she will when it comes time for either one of us to cash this particular one in.
I bet most bedside vigils are selfish in their love. Mines not. I really am here.
Anyways, this has had nothing to do with my West Coast life. Nothing to do with my life of the last two years, and nothing to do with anything I would have made into an update a few days ago and on that note there is probably a secondarily selfish reason for my being here in Red Deer, and thats that I knew I had to get here for more reasons than Gram, to remind myself that my life is bigger than all that and reground. I was getting a little wiggy there for a while. (read: a lot of sitting and staring)
--- sure is cold though. I forgot completely about that cold halo a full moon gets when there are all these ice crystals in the air. Snowdrifts, windchill, and now YAY MAGPIES!
Ive missed the magpies.
This is cold. I'm in Red Deer, been here since Monday and I left Vancouver with the blossoms of the cherry trees outside my apartment window tricking me into thinking it was snowing. I left with no gloves, a thin black jacket, few pairs of jeans and some T-Shirts. It's MARCH after all, right?
Here on family business, coming to see Gram. I'll not get into that as it's not great news, and it's much worse than I was expecting, but she remembers which one I am most of the time when I walk in to sit beside her bed. She wants to go home. She talks of people that have come to visit her today, and some of the names I find out are of people long dead. Today she talked about "The Store" and the girls and how they were fighting again last night.
I can only assume she meant the little store that her and grandpa used to own in a small town here in the prairies. Grandpas been dead a few years now, and they owned that store in the 40s.
The girls fighting must be her daughters: (My mom and my aunt.)
Moms been dead 23 years now.
Today she told me she saw somebody walking out of the room and then did a quick little left turn right past a coffin she said.
I hope they werent trying to tell me something she said with a smile.
Sometimes the nurses come in to see how she is doing, and gram will say something like
how are your girls doing? You have the nicest girls and the nurse will pause, then smile and say the girls are fine.
The nurse wont have any girls, but shell smile and go along with it.
thank you!ok, you let me know if you need anything
Then the nurse will turn and give me that little youre in on this too smile. A wink without winking, before leaving the room.
Its a tough thing to really handle and still know youre handling it right. I see people come in and listen to Gram say something they assume is a part of this sudden onset of what they are calling dementia that she didnt really have a month ago. They will instantly think Grams off in her world there and theyll go along with whatever Gram just asked them or commented on, not really communicating with her, just smiling and nodding.
Im not so sure Gram doesnt really know whats goin on though. Not so sure that when she says that the Heidecker boy came by to see her (whos been dead since 76) didnt really come by to see her.
It was so nice to see him, and he told me that its been really nice there at home and that I have nothing to worry about, he was always such a nice boy..
I dont wanna smile and nod and say yes Grandma, that Heidecker boy was a nice boy, wasnt he. Would you like some more tea?
No, I wanna ask her what else he said. I wanna ask her if he gave her any other updates about home. I want to converse with her, listen to her, let her tell me what shes saying and have her know that Im listening to her and believing her.
I mean, who knows?
Anyways, not a great reason to be here, but she introduced me properly this afternoon to a nice girl that was really there and she certainly has her moments where she certainly knows whats goin on. I cant say that shed have this ability in 2 more months.
I also cant say if its more important to me or her at this point that she knows who I am and remembers I was here at her bedside.
Probably me, but I hope her.
If theres an interest rate on memories, Ill get a much better return on this one than the one than she will when it comes time for either one of us to cash this particular one in.
I bet most bedside vigils are selfish in their love. Mines not. I really am here.
Anyways, this has had nothing to do with my West Coast life. Nothing to do with my life of the last two years, and nothing to do with anything I would have made into an update a few days ago and on that note there is probably a secondarily selfish reason for my being here in Red Deer, and thats that I knew I had to get here for more reasons than Gram, to remind myself that my life is bigger than all that and reground. I was getting a little wiggy there for a while. (read: a lot of sitting and staring)
--- sure is cold though. I forgot completely about that cold halo a full moon gets when there are all these ice crystals in the air. Snowdrifts, windchill, and now YAY MAGPIES!
Ive missed the magpies.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
But do it. As the short term memory disconnects, there are some incredible connections to long term memories, and as strange as it sounds engaging in conversation (instead of 'thats nice') is more likely to lead to a few precious lucid moments. They get to be very few and very far between at a point, but they're certainly worth having.
Good luck.
~Trilo~
It was good to read an entry from you.